A lifesaving handbook for parents of children who are occasionally, or too often, “out of control” Includes a bound-in twenty-minute DVD featuring Dr. Kazdin and his staff illustrating key concepts of the Kazdin Method Most child-behavior books are filled with advice that sounds reasonable, fits with what parents already believe about child-rearing, and is—as Dr. Kazdin proves— guaranteed to fail. The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child makes available to parents for the first time Dr. Kazdin’s proven program—one backed up by some of the most long-term and respected research devoted to any therapy for children.

Kazdin shatters decades’ worth of accumulated myths about tantrums, time-outs, punishments fitting the crime, and much more.With the practicality of Ferber and the warmth of Brazelton, Kazdin leads parents through every step of the Kazdin Method in action—how to use tone of voice, when and how to touch, how to lead your child in a “practice” session, how to adjust your approach for different-age children, how to involve siblings, and more.The program is temporary, but the results are permanent—for very young children, adolescents, and even beyond.

ALAN E. KAZDIN is John M. Musser Professor of Psychology at Yale University and director of Yale’s Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic. He is 2008 president of the American Psychological Association and the author of many professional-audience books on child psychology and behavior published in dozens of countries. Kazdin lives in Hamden, Connecticut.

Acknowledgments ix

Introduction i The Method 3 Where the Method Comes From 5 Getting the Word Out 8 So, Relax 11

1. Seven Myths of Effective Parenting 13

2. Everything You Need to Know (Except How) 30 The Positive Opposite 30 Positive Reinforcement 31 Reinforced Practice 32 Shaping 33 Extinction 34 Putting It All Together: ABC 35 Q & A 36

3. Putting the Method in Place: Transitions, Tantrums, and a Very Young Child 44 Define the Problem and Its Positive Opposite 45 Get Started Right Away 46 What to Expect the First Week 58 Keys to Success 59

4. Your Six- to Twelve-Year-Old: Supermarket Scenes, Late for School, Sibling Squabbles, Homework Avoidance, and More 66 Supermarket Scenes 70 Late for School 75 Sibling Squabbles 84 Squabbling Friends 87 Homework Avoidance 88 Involving a Teacher 91

5. Your Preadolescent: Bad Attitude, Bad Language, Home Alone, and Much More 94 A Little Perspective 96 What’s with Them? 97 Pushing the Limits 101 Family Values 104 The Art of Compromise 106 Adapting the Method to Preadolescents 107 Bad Attitude 109 Swearing 114 Messy Room 115 After School on His Own 118 Practicing an Instrument 119 Negotiating 120 Blowups and Everyday Life 122

6. Punishment: The Most Misunderstood, Misused, and Overused Tool in the Parental Toolbox 126 Multiple Motives Lead to Punishment Myths 128 Effects and Side Effects of Punishment 129 How to Punish 133 A Common Punishment: Time-Out 141

7. Special Situations: How to Jump-Start Behavior, Work with More Than One Child, and Handle Low-Rate Misbehaviors 147 Jump-Starting Behavior 147 Consequence Sharing 154 Group Programs 159 Low-Rate Programs 161

8. Troubleshooting 168 When You Need to Troubleshoot 170 Common Problems (and Quick Fixes for Them) 171 Troubleshooting the Basics 172 A Couple of Common Questions, Quickly Answered 181 Advanced Troubleshooting 182

9. Your Child’s Wider World 184 Good Behavior for Good 185 Fading the Program 188 Transferring Behaviors to New Situations 190 You Already Did the Hard Part 206

10. Parenting Stress and Household Chaos 208 Parenting Stress 209 Effects of Parenting Stress on Parent and Child Behavior 212 Effects of Stress on Attachment 214 What to Do About Parenting Stress 215 Stress Research and Family Stories 216 Household Chaos 219 Seeking Professional Help for Yourself 226

11. Beyond the Method 229 When and Why the Program Doesn’t Change Behaviors 229 Medication and Diet 234 Seeking Help for Your Child 239

Conclusion: Positive Parenting 249 Appendix: Age-Appropriate Rewards for Children 265 Index 269