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Original Essays | May 3, 2013
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More copies of this ISBNOther titles in the Vintage series:
The McSweeney's Book of Politics and Musicals (Vintage)by Christopher Monks
Synopses & ReviewsPublisher Comments:Ever since John Hancock broke into song after signing the Declaration of Independence, American politics and musicals have been inextricably linked. From Alexander Hamilton's jazz hands, to Chester A. Arthur's oboe operas, to Newt Gingrich's off-Broadway sexscapade, You, Me, and My Moon Colony Mistress Makes Three, government and musical theater have joined forces to document our nation's long history of freedom, partisanship, and dancers on roller skates pretending to be choo choo trains.
To celebrate this grand union of entrenched bureaucracy and song, the patriots at McSweeney's Internet Tendency (“The Iowa Caucus of humor websites”) offer this riotous collection (peacefully assembled!) of monologues, charts, scripts, lists, diatribes, AND musicals written by the noted fake-musical lyricist, Ben Greenman. On the agenda are . . .
Fragments from PALIN! THE MUSICAL
Barack Obama’s Undersold 2012 Campaign Slogans
Atlas Shrugged Updated for the Financial Crisis
Your Attempts to Legislate Hunting Man for Sport Reek of Class Warfare
A 1980s Teen Sex Comedy Becomes Politically Uncomfortable
Donald Rumsfeld Memoir Chapter Title Or German Heavy Metal Song?
Noises Political Pundits Would Make If They Were Wild Animals and Not Political Pundits
Ron Paul Gives a Guided Tour of His Navajo Art Collection
Classic Nursery Rhymes, Updated and Revamped for the Recession, As Told to Me By My Father
And much more! About the AuthorMcSweeney’s is a publishing company based in San Francisco. As well as running the daily humor website McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, McSweeney’s publishes McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, the Believer, Lucky Peach, Wholphin, Grantland Quarterly, and an ever-growing selection of books under various imprints.
Table of ContentsFOREWORD
Wyatt Cenac My America: A New Action Movie Screenplay by Sarah Palin Wendy Molyneux Presidential Stats Simon Rich From the Diary of John Adams Peter Krinke An Anti-Washington Candidate’s Stump Speech Pete Reynolds My 1-1-1-1-1-1-1 Plan Ellie Kemper Where Is the Rest of This Graph? Ben Greenman The Only Thing That Can Stop This Asteroid Is Your Liberal Arts Degree Mike Lacher Debate for Emperor of the Upsilon Sigma Star System Teddy Wayne Vote Yes on SPLOST 5 Lucas Klauss Barack Obama’s Undersold 2012 Campaign Slogans Nathaniel Lozier A Comprehensive List of Third- Place Finishers for U.S. President, 2008–2036 David Warnke The Lesser-Known Slogans of Political Moderates Kate Johansen and Katie Bukowski Three Timelines of the American Financial Meltdown Told Through R. L. Stine Book Titles Matthew Gillespie Fragments from BAILOUT! THE MUSICAL Ben Greenman Political Decision-Making in the New Century Sean Carman Former CIA Director George Tenet’s Other Excuses Christopher Monks A Message from a TSA Full-Body Scanner Jesse Adelman A Guest Columnist Still Getting the Hang of It Ellie Kemper Extended Trailer for American Demographic 2012 Pete Reynolds Your Attempts to Legislate Against Hunting Man for Sport Reek of Class Warfare Mike Lacher Little Housing Crisis on the Prairie Susan Schorn Atlas Shrugged Updated for the Financial Crisis Jeremiah Tucker Noises That Select Political Pundits Would Make If They Were Wild Animals Instead of Political Pundits John Warner Donald Rumsfeld: Love Doctor Stephen Elliott Parallels Between My Living Through Two Years of Middle School and the Two Terms of George W. Bush’s Presidency Teddy Wayne Republican S&M Safe Words Nathan Pensky Fragments from WEINER! THE MUSICAL Ben Greenman Someday My Concession Speech Will Be Read by Schoolchildren Jim Stallard Starting Over with Pat Nixon Tom Gliatto How You Voted Jonathan Stern 30 and Pregnant Rachel Friedman I’m Afraid the Children Are Our Future John Moe How Superior Each Bar Feels to the Others Ben Greenman Classic Nursery Rhymes, Updated and Revamped for the Recession, as Told to Me by My Father Jen Statsky The Adventures of Right- Wing Conservative Robin Hood Sarah Rosenshine Two Medieval Physicians Debate Universal Health Care Blair Becker The Twenty-First Century Adventures of Tintin Neil Graf Youth Culture Findings Dan Kennedy April Fools’ Day Pranks to Play on an Unemployed Twentysomething Male Who Still Lives at Home with His Parents Christopher Monks Your Protest Signs Are Too Specific Alan Trotter Less Powerful Industry Lobbying Groups Todd Rovak Fragments from PALIN! THE MUSICAL Ben Greenman Marxist- Socialist Jokes Jesse Eisenberg What If Germany Won the War? Mike Sacks Metroid ’s Samus Aran Speaks Out About Gay Marriage Marco Kaye Abstinence-Only Driver’s Ed Suzanne Kleid A 1980s Teen Sex Comedy Becomes Politically Uncomfortable Andrew Golden For a Yellow Brick Wall Mike Gallagher The Stability of Data Ben Greenman How Bernanke Tackled the Depression, As Recorded 150 Years from Now by Post-Apocalyptic Hobo Folklorists Grant Munroe Ron Paul Gives a Guided Tour of His Navajo Art Collection Jeremiah Tucker Tribal Matters Jim Stallard Early Drafts of Patrick Henry’s Revolutionary Proclamation “Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death!” Sam Weiner Unpublished Federalist Papers Maggie Ryan Sandford Crate & Barrel Tableware Style+U.S. President=Fictional Delta Blues Singer Josh Michtom Patriotic Laundry Metaphors Doogie Horner Quiz: Rumsfeld Memoir Chapter Title or German Heavy Metal Song? David Rees The Next Wave: Candidate Product Placement Pete Reynolds Occupy Main Street! Teddy Wayne Operation Middle Class: A Fearful Rich Man’s Rules for Survival in an Increasingly Populist World Luke Kelly-Clyne I Will Henry Alford Word Problems for Future Hedge Fund Managers Bob Woodiwiss Mom’s and Dad’s Campaign Statements Gregory Beyer I Probably Shouldn’t Have Opted for the Cheapest HMO Jim Stallard Presidents Who Could Also Be Strippers Noel Wood State Rules Colin Perkins Great Quotes from the End of NASA’s Space Shuttle Era Jim Santel Things JFK Might Ask You to Ask Not Today Kate Hahn The Songs of Lenin and McCarthy Jimmy Chen Fragments from WIKILEAKS! THE MUSICAL Ben Greenman The Elements of Press Release Style Gary Klien Which Flavor of Ice Cream Do You Want, Daddy? Miles Kahn Aesop’s Fables Teach Children the Art of Voter Suppression Andrew Golden This Recession Has Spared No One, Not Even the Mythical and Folkloric Figures of Our Collective Western Imagination Henry Alford and Ryan Haney POLL: Do I Fully Understand the Concept of Margin of Error? Ben Greenman A Letter from the U.S. Department of Education Regarding the Birth of Your First Child Mark Brownlow Important Details About Your New Health Care Plan Dan Kennedy Robert Gibbs’s Dungeons & Dragons Game Goes Off the Rails Travis Watt The Labors of Unemployed Hercules Luke Burns Templates to the Editor Bob Woodiwiss Slightly Less-Cited Supreme Court Decisions Rob Kutner Archaic U.S. Senate Procedures Lucas Klauss Congressional Missed Connections Sloan Schang Chapter Titles for Rachel Carson’s 1962 Book Silent Spring That Were Rejected for Being Too Alarmist Caredwen Foley Fragments from HOT PLANET! THE MUSICAL Ben Greenman Recycle, Compost, or Trash? A Guide Jenny Shank Pickman’s Chicken Farm Is Now Cruelty-Free Zack Poitras Create Your Own Thomas Friedman Op-Ed Column Michael Ward The Gahhh! Institute Lucas Klauss Eyewitness News with Tom Denardo and Cheryl Clayburn Seth Reiss How Much I Had to Manipulate the Data to Make It Seem Like Things Were Looking Up Ben Greenman Little-Known Facts from the Guinness Book of World Records Simon Rich Ongoing Roadblocks in the Mongoose-Cobra Peace Talks Bob Woodiwiss The Girls of The Hills Visit Afghanistan Wendy Molyneux David Brooks Also Eats Cereal John Warner A Straw Poll of Issues on Voters’ Minds for This Upcoming Election, Based Only on the Conversation Initiations of the Morose Security Guard Who Sits in the Lobby of the Building Where I Work Ryan Haney Photo Ops to Gain More Than 50% of the Electorate David Hart Dance Dance Revolution Matthew Bonnan Actual Subject Lines of E-mails I’ve Received from Barack Obama’s Campaign That Sound Like He’s Asking Me Out and Then Breaking Up with Me Sarah Walke Fragments from SANTORUM! THE MUSICAL Ben Greenman Spreading the Good Word: A Missionary’s Guide Wendy Molyneux The 700 Club Does the Weather Alex Kane The First American Bidding War Susan Schorn The Front Porch Campaign, 1880 Chris White Perhaps Now You Wish You Had Paid Closer Attention to Your Judicial Candidates for County Circuit Court! Mike Lacher Ordinary Circle or Pie Chart? Ben Greenman This Is a Reelection Campaign Stop, Not a Labor Day Weekend Beach Vacation Ryan Haney Laura Wingfi eld from The Glass Menagerie on the 2012 Republican Presidential Candidates Kate Hahn No Country for Anyone John Warner The Latest Deals from LivingCapitalist Pete Reynolds Voter Segments to Watch This Year Sloan Schang Accusations Leveled At a Dolphin Running for President Eric Feezell God Texts the Ten Commandments Jamie Quatro New Fears for the Twenty-First Century Hannah Tepper Fragments from STRONG GOVERNMENT! THE MUSICAL Ben Greenman What Our Readers Are SayingBe the first to add a comment for a chance to win!Product Details
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