You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up: A Love Story

In this hilarious and ultimately moving memoir, comedians and real-life married couple Annabelle Gurwitch and Jeff Kahn prove that in marriage, all you need is love — and a healthy dose of complaining, codependence, and pinot noir.

After thirteen years of being married, Annabelle and Jeff have found "We're just not that into us". Instead of giving up, they've held their relationship together by ignoring conventional wisdom and fostering a lack of intimacy, by using parenting as a competitive sport, and by dropping out of couples therapy. The he-said/she-said chronicle of their intense but loving marriage includes an unsentimental account of the medical odyssey that their family embarked upon after their infant son was diagnosed with VACTERL, a very rare series of birth defects. Annabelle and Jeff's unforgivingly raw, uproariously funny story is sure to strike both laughter and terror in the hearts of all couples (not to mention every single man or woman who is contemplating the connubial state).

Serving up equal parts sincerity and cynicism, You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up is a laugh-out-loud must-read for everyone who has come to realize that being in love can only get you so far.

On Cohabitation:

He says: Within days of Annabelle's arrival, I became very aware that she demanded solitude and had the housekeeping habits of a feral animal.
She says: The guy had some sort of nudity radar. When I would take my clothes off for even a second, Jeff would be in front of me cheering as if he'd scored box seats at Fenway Park.

On Sex:

He says: I want to have sex every day, but Annabelle only wants to do it once a week. So we compromise: we have sex once a week.
She says: Jeff says talking about money before you have sex is a turnoff, but it's only a turnoff if you're talking about not having money. Talking about money before you have sex when you have money is actually a turn-on.

On Pregnancy:

He says: For God's sake, all I wanted to do was have sex without a condom for a little while; now we were moments from bringing a new life into the world
She says: My ass was expanding so fast it was like a Starbucks franchise. On every corner of my ass there was a new branch of ass opening up.

"Married for 13 years, Gurwitch and Kahn look back with laughter at the highs, the lows, and their 'different marital needs.' Writer-actor Kahn (Curb Your Enthusiasm) won an Emmy for scripting The Ben Stiller Show; actress Gurwitch (Seinfeld) produced a documentary adapted from her 2006 book Fired! Tales of the Canned, Canceled, Downsized, & Dismissed. By teaming for this equally merry marriage memoir, the duo doubles the giggles and guffaws. Over many months, they have been doing readings and performances from this book in progress, when it had the working title, How Not to Have a Marriage Like Ours. The book includes alternating 'He Says'/'She Says' sections. Opening with Jeff's pursuit of Annabelle, they write in a lighthearted fashion about dating, cats, living together, marriage, the honeymoon, and lots of sex: 'In the beginning, there was sex and it was good. In the middle, it became something to schedule like a tennis lesson and flu shot.' A genuine crisis interrupted their comedic conflicts when their son was born with birth defects, a situation that affected their marriage: 'We became each other's psychological punching bags.' In the concluding chapter, they speculate on the future direction of their marriage, possibly 'like the bonds of emperor penguins and Gertrude Stein and Alice B. Toklas.' Readers will hope they stay together to write more heartfelt, funny books like this one." Publishers Weekly (Copyright Reed Business Information, Inc.)

"So funny because it is so accurate. Kahn and Gurwitch illuminate the insanity of marriage. They make you want to embrace your spouse for the same reason you want to strangle them." Ben Stiller

"Damn, marriage isn't supposed to be this much fun! If anyone is going to save marriage, it won't be James Dobson — it'll be Annabelle Gurwitch and Jeff Kahn." Barbara Ehrenreich, author of Nickel and Dimed

This hilarious relationship memoir .... makes a mockery of traditional self-help relationship advice... true love really does trump all in this touching story, when what seems like a doomed relationship blossoms into a 13-year (and counting) marriage, withstanding even the stresses of raising a medically fragile child." Library Journal

"This book is a must-read for couples and singles alike. Finally, a married couple that doesn't hide behind such tedious traits as personal loyalty, good taste, and an overall sense of decorum. You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up tells people what marriage is really like!" Liz Tuccillo, co-author of He's Just Not That Into You

A hilarious and ultimately moving memoir, You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up tells about one couple's reliance on complaining, co-dependence, and a healthy supply of Pinot Noir to keep their marriage and sanity intact.

"You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up: A Love Story shows how hectic, hard and hilarious married life can be. Spanning friendship, courtship, marriage and parenthood, Annabelle Gurwitch and Jeff Kahn’s "he said/she said" memoir at times reads like a mix of couples therapy and "Real World" confessionals for grown-ups. Only funnier and heavier.”—The Washington Post

“This book is a must-read for couples and singles alike. Finally, a married couple that doesn't hide behind such tedious traits as personal loyalty, good taste, and an overall sense of decorum.  You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up tells people what marriage is really like!”—Liz Tucillo, co-author of  He’s Just Not That Into You and author of How to Be Single

 

“So funny because it is so accurate. Kahn and Gurwitch illuminate the insanity of marriage.  They make you want to embrace your spouse for the same reason you want to strangle them.”—Ben Stiller

 

“Although after eleven and a half years of pure, uninterrupted marital bliss I don’t relate at all to the subject matter, I still found Jeff and Annabelle’s book to be hilarious.”—Judd Apatow

 

“As someone who has never married or ever understood why anyone would,would, I feel I can say with authority that this is the finest, funniest, most insightful book I’ve ever read about a subject I’m completely unqualified to comment about.”—Bill Maher

 

“The far right believes that marriage should only be one man plus one woman. But they are oh so wrong. Marriage should only be between two funny people, and Jeff and Annabelle are the shining examples of this new marriage movement.”—Carol Leifer

 

“Damn, marriage isn’t supposed to be this much fun! If anyone is going to save marriage, it won’t be James Dobson—it’ll be Annabelle Gurwitch and Jeff Kahn.”—Barbara Ehrenreich, author of Nickel and Dimed

 

“Oh, now I get it. This whole sham of a marriage was not just for tax purposes, it was also to write and sell this immediately engaging book! I remember when Jeff first told me about Annabelle and the hazy, humid thermal cloud she wrapped his head in. I thought he was nuts. Turns out I was right (see pages 1–250). After reading this book, I feel sorry for both of them now. And that’s quite an accomplishment.”—David Cross, author of I Drink for a Reason

 

“He said tomato, she said shut up, and I took a Vicodin to ease the pain from laughing so hard.”

—Sandra Tsing Loh, author of Mother on Fire and A Year in Van Nuys

"We're just not that into us."--Annabelle Gurwitch and Jeff Kahn

ANNABELLE GURWITCH is an actress and writer, best known for her years cohosting Dinner and a Movie on TBS and her Fired! book and documentary film. Her acting credits include Seinfeld, Boston Legal, and The Shaggy Dog. She’s been a humor columnist for TheNationMagazine.com and a regular commentator on NPR.

 

JEFF KAHN won an Emmy Award for his writing on The Ben Stiller Show. As an actor, he has appeared in The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Tropic Thunder, as well as in the HBO series Curb Your Enthusiasm and Entourage.