Boundaries in Dating: Making Dating Work

Between singleness and marriage lies the journey of dating. Want to make your road as smooth as possible? Set and maintain healthy boundaries — boundaries that will help you grow in freedom, honesty, and self-control. If many of your dating experiences have been difficult, Boundaries in Dating could revolutionize the way you handle relationships. And even if you're doing well, the insights you'll gain from his much-needed book can help you fine-tune or even completely readjust important areas of your dating life. Written by the authors of the best-selling book Boundaries, Boundaries in Dating is your road map to the kind of enjoyable, rewarding dating that can take you from weekends alone to a lifetime with the soul mate you've longed for.

The authors deliniate the boundaries of modern dating, arguing that couples must learn self control and discipline.

Boundaries in Dating

Copyright ? 2000 by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Requests for information should be addressed to:

Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Cloud, Henry.

Boundaries in dating: making dating work / Henry Cloud and John

Townsend.

p. cm.

ISBN-10: 0-310-20034-2 (softcover)

ISBN-13: 978-0-310-20034-5 (softcover)

1. Dating (Social customs) 2. Dating (Social customs)?Religious aspects

?Christianity. 3. Single people?Conduct of life. I. Townsend, John Sims,

1952- II. Title.

HQ801. C59 2000

646.7'7?dc21 99-057936

The examples used in this book are compilations of stories from real situations.

But names, facts, and issues have been altered to protect confidentiality while

illustrating the points.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy

Bible: New International Version?. NIV?. Copyright ? 1973, 1978, 1984 by

International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Published in association with Yates & Yates, LLP, Literary Agent, Orange, CA.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a

retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means?electronic,

mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other?except for brief quotations in

printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

Interior design by Laura Blost

Printed in the United States of America

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We want to hear from you. Please send your comments about this

book to us incare of zreview@zondervan.com. Thank you.

Part One

YOU AND

YOUR BOUNDARIES

Chapter 1

Why Boundaries in Dating?

So what do I do, set a bomb underneath his chair?? Heather

exploded, only partly in jest. She was having lunch with her

best friend, Julie. The conversation focused on her ongoing frustration

with Todd, Heather's boyfriend for the past year. Heather

cared deeply for him and was ready to pursue marriage. Though

he was loving, responsible, and fun, Todd had shown no sign

of making any real commitment to the relationship. The couple

enjoyed being together, yet anytime Heather tried to talk about

getting serious, Todd would make a joke or skate around the

issue. At thirty-three, Todd valued his freedom and saw no reason

for anything in his life to change.

Heather's outburst was a response to something Julie had said:

?You really need to help Todd get moving forward.? Heather?s

words were tinted with frustration, hurt, and a good deal of

discouragement. Frustration because she and Todd seemed to

be on different tracks. Hurt because her love felt unrequited.

And discouraged because she had invested so much of her heart,

time, and energy into the relationship. For the past year, Heather

had made Todd a high emotional priority in her life. She had

given up activities she enjoyed; she had given up relationships

she valued. She had tried to become the kind of person she

thought Todd would be attracted to. And now it looked like

this investment was going nowhere.

No Kids Allowed

Welcome to dating. If you have been in this unique type of

relationship, you areprobably familiar with Heather and Todd?s

scenario. Two people are genuinely attracted to each other and

start going out. They are hopeful that the relationship will

become something special that will lead to marriage and a lifelong

soul mate. Things look good for a while, but somehow something

breaks down between them, causing heartache, frustration,

and loneliness. And, more often than not, the scenario repeats

itself in other relationships down the line.

Some people blame dating itself for all of this, thinking that it?s

not a healthy activity. They would rather find an alternative, such

as group friendships until two people have selected each other

to court exclusively. Though dating has its difficulties, we would

not take this view. We believe in dating. We did it a lot personally,

having been single a combined total of seventy-five years. And

we think it offers lots of good things, such as opportunities to grow

personally and learn how to relate to people, for starters.

However, dating does have its risks. That is why we say, no

kids allowed. That doesn?t mean teens shouldn?t date, but it does

mean one's maturity is very important here. By its very nature,

dating is experimental, with little commitment initially, so someone

can get out of a relationship without having to justify himself

much. Putting lots of emotional investment into a

relationship can be dangerous. Thus, dating works best between

two responsible people.

Problems in Freedom and Responsibility

This book is not about the nature of dating, however. You cannot

do a lot about that. Rather, we are writing about theprob-

lems people have in how they conduct their dating lives. There

is a great deal you can do about that.

Simply put, many of the struggles people experience in dating

relationships are, at heart, caused by some problem in the areas

of freedom and responsibility. By freedom, we mean your ability

to make choices based on your values, rather than choosing out

of fear or guilt. Free people make commitments because they feel

it's the right thing to do, and they are wholehearted about it. By

responsibility, we mean your ability to execute your tasks in keeping

the relationship healthy and loving, as well as being able to say

no to things you shouldn?t be responsible for. Responsible people

shoulder their part of the dating relationship, but they don?t tolerate

harmful or inappropriate behavior.

Dating is ultimately about love. People seek it through dating.

When they find it, and it matures, they often make deep

commitments to each other. Freedom and responsibility are necessary

for love to develop in dating. When two individuals allow

each other freedom and take ownership of the relationship, they

are creating an environment for love to grow and mature. Freedom

and responsibility create a safe and secure environment for

a couple to love, trust, explore, and deepen their experience of

each other.

Actually, these two elements are necessary for any successful

relationship, not just dating. Marriage, friendship, parenting,

and business connections depend on freedom and

responsibility in order for the attachment to flourish. God

designed love so that there can be no fear (loss of freedom) in

love, for perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4: 18). We are to

speak the truth in love to each other (Ephesians 4: 15), taking

responsibility to protect love by confronting problems.

We believe that healthy boundaries are the key to preserving

freedom, responsibility, and ultimately love, in your dating

life. Establishing and keeping good limits can do a great deal

to not only cure a bad relationship, but make a good one better.

So, before we take a look at the ways that dating problems

arise from freedom and responsibility conflicts, let's take a brief

Helping readers avoid pitfalls of dating, "Boundaries in Dating" unfolds a wise, biblical path to developing self-control, freedom, and intimacy in the dating process.

Boundaries in Dating provides a way to think, solve problems, and enjoy the benefits of dating in the fullest way, including increasing the ability to find and commit to a marriage partner.