Men with Balls: The Professional Athlete's Handbook

This will be the very last book you ever read. Because after you have read this book, you, Good Sir, will know how to be a pro athlete. And pro athletes don't need books. Or strong family bonds. Or any of that stupid crap. Not when they have ready access to millions of dollars and scores of smoking hot chicks with questionable judgment.

This book will be all you require to cast aside your boring life as some jackass who cruises around bookstores hoping to score grad-school trim. With Men with Balls, you will learn how to:

Showboat using classical pantomime techniques

Figure out whether or not a stripper actually fancies you

Emotionally cope from the emotional fallout of rookie year hazing games

Find out which free locker room amphetamines will give you a shot of energy, and which will cause you to run down terrified schoolchildren with your Escalade (NOTE: Some do both)

Avoid media scrutiny by directing beat writers and columnists to the nearest hot buffet

So grab your balls, bookboy. You're about to become a home-run hitting, steroid-injecting, angry-orgy-having Turbostud. They're gonna need a whole ocean just to wash your jock.

Being a professional athlete isn't easy. Sure, they have money, ice-sculpture busts of themselves, and free use of team whirlpool facilities for their extramarital liaisons. But they also have obnoxious fans, conniving groupies desperate to get pregnant, and hardass coaches. Luckily, Drew Magary has written MEN WITH BALLS, the first handbook specifically for professional athletes. It includes tips on how to:

--Recover from rookie hazing rituals like the Broomstick Olympics

--Showboat using classical pantomime techniques

--Respond to Internet rumors about your sexual inadequacies

Featuring (made-up) advice from notable sports figures and scores of sophomoric yet informative illustrations, MEN WITH BALLS is essential reading for any athlete who wants to avoid prison, paying child support, or playing in Utah.

Pro athletes don't need books. Or strong family bonds. Or any of that stupid crap. Not when they have ready access to millions of dollars and scores of smoking hot chicks with questionable judgment. And this book is all they require to cast aside their boring lives.