Your Movie Sucks

"Some of these reviews were written in malevolent zeal. Others with glee. Some in sorrow, some in anger, and a precious few with venom, of which I have a closely guarded supply." — Roger Ebert in the introduction of Your Movie Sucks

Celebrated critic Roger Ebert continues to collect his scorching reviews of the lowest of the low in Your Movie Sucks, the follow-up to his best-selling I Hated Hated Hated This Movie.

When Roger pans a movie, the resulting review often provides more bite and entertainment than the film that inspired it. In Your Movie Sucks, with titles easily organized by alphabet, Roger takes to task nearly 200 movies and their participants. Among them:

• Pootie Tang: "Pootie Tang is not bad so much as inexplicable. You watch in puzzlement: How did this train wreck happen?...This movie is not in a releasable condition."
• Catwoman: "Halle Berry spends a lot of time on all fours, inspiring our almost unseemly gratitude for her cleavage."
• Pearl Harbor: "The filmmakers seem to have aimed the film at an audience that may not have heard of Pearl Harbor or perhaps even of World War II. This is the Weekly Reader version."

And of course, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, in which Roger awarded no stars and famously zinged actor Rob Schneider for his open letter to critic Patrick Goldstein after a scathing review appeared in the Los Angeles Times. Schneider questioned Goldstein's credentials, pointing out that he had never won a Pulitzer Prize. Roger's retort: "As chance would have it, I have won the Pulitzer Prize, and so I am qualified. Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks."

"[A]n unexpected treat....[The reviews are] gems, with a big laugh in every paragraph and enough cinematic wisdom to qualify, all by themselves, as a film-criticism class session." Hartford Courant

"As the name implies, Your Movie Sucks is a collection of reviews that suggests to the actors, directors and the rest of the movie-making lot, 'Gee, fellas, this film isn't quite up to par.' Of course, it says it much better, with all the barbed wit and truly educated background that Ebert can bring to the fray. Love him or hate him, he knows his stuff." Rambles.Net

Roger Ebert's I Hated Hated Hated This Movie, which gathered some of his most scathing reviews, was a best-seller. This new collection continues the tradition, reviewing not only movies that were at the bottom of the barrel, but also movies that he found underneath the barrel.

From Roger's review of Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (0 stars): "The movie created a spot of controversy in February 2005. According to a story by Larry Carroll of MTV News, Rob Schneider took offense when Patrick Goldstein of the Los Angeles Times listed this year's Best Picture nominees and wrote that they were 'ignored, unloved, and turned down flat by most of the same studios that . . . bankroll hundreds of sequels, including a follow-up to Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, a film that was sadly overlooked at Oscar time because apparently nobody had the foresight to invent a category for Best Running Penis Joke Delivered by a Third-Rate Comic.'

Schneider retaliated by attacking Goldstein in full-page ads in Daily Variety and the Hollywood Reporter. In an open letter to Goldstein, Schneider wrote: 'Well, Mr. Goldstein, I decided to do some research to find out what awards you have won. I went online and found that you have won nothing. Absolutely nothing. No journalistic awards of any kind. . . . Maybe you didn't win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven't invented a category for Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter Who's Never Been Acknowledged by His Peers. . . .'

Schneider was nominated for a 2000 Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor, but lost to Jar-Jar Binks. But Schneider is correct, and Patrick Goldstein has not yet won a Pulitzer Prize. Therefore, Goldstein is not qualified to complain that Columbia financed Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo while passing on the opportunity to participate in Million Dollar Baby, Ray, The Aviator, Sideways, and Finding Neverland. As chance would have it, I have won the Pulitzer Prize, and so I am qualified. Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks."

I Hated, Hated, Hated This Movie is a collection of more than 200 of Ebert's most biting and entertaining reviews of films receiving a mere star or less from the only film critic to win the Pulitzer Prize. Ebert has no patience for these atrocious movies and minces no words in skewering the offenders.Witness: Armageddon * (1998) - The movie is an assault on the eyes, the ears, the brain, common sense, and the human desire to be entertained. No matter what they're charging to get in, it's worth more to get out.The Beverly Hillbillies* (1993) - Imagine the dumbest half-hour sitcom you've ever seen, spin it out to ninety-three minutes by making it even more thin and shallow, and you have this movie. It's appalling.North no stars (1994) - I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.Police Academy no stars (1984) - It's so bad, maybe you should pool your money and draw straws and send one of the guys off to rent it so that in the future, whenever you think you're sitting through a bad comedy, he could shake his head, chuckle tolerantly, and explain that you don't know what bad is.Dear God * (1996) - Dear God is the kind of movie where you walk out repeating the title, but not with a smile.The movies reviewed within I Hated, Hated, Hated This Movie are motion pictures you'll want to distance yourself from, but Roger Ebert's creative and comical musings on those films make for a book no movie fan should miss.<P>

Roger Ebert, film critic for the Chicago Sun-Times and co-host of the national television program Ebert & Roeper, received the Pulitzer Prize for distinguished criticism. His reviews are syndicated internationally in more than 200 newspapers and available online at www.rogerebert.com. A recipient of the 2005 Syndication Personality Lifetime Achievement Award, Roger resides in Chicago, Ill.