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Sh*t My Dad Saysby Justin Halpern
Okay, yes, it kind of sucks that this guy's dad says funny things, he writes them down, and presto — book deal! But get over it. The book is hilarious, and will make you grateful your dad is only mildly weird and embarrassing.
Synopses & Reviews
After being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, twenty-eight-year-old Justin Halpern found himself living at home with his seventy-three-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair, has never minced words, and when Justin moved back home, he began to record all the ridiculous things his dad said to him:
More than a million people now follow Mr. Halpern's philosophical musings on Twitter, and in this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming-of-age memoir around the best of his quotes. An all-American story that unfolds on the Little League field, in Denny's, during excruciating family road trips, and, most frequently, in the Halperns' kitchen over bowls of Grape-Nuts, Sh*t My Dad Says is a chaotic, hilarious, true portrait of a father-son relationship from a major new comic voice.
"If you're wondering if there is a real man behind the quotes on Twitter, the answer is a definite and laugh-out-loud yes." Christian Lander, New York Times bestselling author of Stuff White People Like
"Justin Halpern tosses lightening bolts of laughter out of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching — and does it all seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a really, really funny book." Laurie Notaro, New York Times bestselling author of The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club
"This book is ridiculously hilarious, and makes my father look like a normal member of society." Chelsea Handler
"Justin Halpern's dad is up there with Aristotle and Winston F*cking Churchill. He's brilliant, and his son's book is absolutely hilarious." A.J. Jacobs, New York Times bestselling author of The Know-It-All
In the vein of bestselling humor collections by Chelsea Handler, David Sedaris, and Laurie Notaro, Sh*t My Dad Says is a chaotic, hilarious, true portrait of a father-son relationship from a major new comic voice.
In the vein of SH*T MY DAD SAYS, a hilarious chronicle of a twentysomething and her 75-year-old sh*t-talking yenta as they navigate through the world of online dating and modern love.
Sh*tty Mom is the ultimate parenting guide, written by four moms who have seen it all. As hilarious as it is universal, each chapter presents a common parenting scenario with advice on how to get through it in the easiest and most efficient way possible. With chapters such as “How to Sleep Until 9 A.M. Every Weekend” and “When Seeing an Infant Triggers a Mental Illness That Makes You Want to Have Another Baby,” as well as a Sh*tty Mom quiz, this is a must-have, laugh-out-loud funny book for the sh*tty parent in all of us.
Praise for Sh*tty Mom:
“A totally hilarious and uncensored look at some of the impossible situations we mothers find ourselves in.” —TheBump.com
“Smartly, brashly, nearly criminally funny. It also—no small thing—carries a powerful message to all parents, but especially moms, that distilled to its essence is this: chill.” —Time.com
“As the attachment parenting craze has hit a zenith in American culture, four very funny moms—comedy writers, TV producers, and a novelist—blast open a long-locked safe filled with frustrations faced by all modern mothers, with sympathetic and sharp humor. . . . The authors’ unfiltered candor is a welcome reminder for readers that they're not alone. . . .” —Publishers Weekly starred review
“Both funny and practical.” —Brooklyn Based.net
"Hilariously entertaining. A must-read survivor's guide for every mother!"
--Christy Turlington Burns, founder of Every Mother Counts
“Finally, Sh*tty Mom does for motherhood what Chelsea Handler does for female scatology. It’s a long overdue little burst of honesty from the supposed minority of mothers who are, in fact, not that maternal. . . . After a generation of supermoms one-upping each other in dead earnest on playgrounds and schoolyards, the emerging mass appeal of Sh*tty Mom is a welcome relief.” —The New York Observer
"Witty, wise, and wicked! With tongue planted firmly in cheek, these savvy moms dispense some much needed comic relief about raising kids in our crazy culture."?
--Dr. Harvey Karp, bestselling author of The Happiest Baby on the Block
“The most inappropriate parenting book I've ever read. Loved it. The perfect book for any mother who wants to laugh instead of cry at those cringe-worthy moments and the universal indignities we experience on a daily basis.”
--Jessica Seinfeld, bestselling cookbook author and founder of Baby Buggy
“An antidote to the hostage situation that is modern parenting…subversive, delicious, and spit-out-your-latte funny.”
--Pamela Druckerman, bestselling author of Bringing Up Bebe
At twenty-three, Kayli Stollak, like most starry-eyed twentysomethings, assumed that she and her boyfriend, Charlie, would be together forever. Besides a rockinand#8217; sex life, they shared a passion for motorcycle adventures, hedonistic European music festivals, and wearing matching glittery spandex to the disco. What more could a gal ask for? She envisioned their love burning well into their sixties.
And then he dumped her.
Heartbroken, Kayli turned to her seventy-five-year-old granny for support. And this ainand#8217;t no ordinary granny. Granny Gail is a ball-busting, sh*t-talking, gossipy yenta with an anecdote or piece of unsolicited advice for every situation. Granny didnand#8217;t sugarcoat the truth or let Kayli dwell on her failed relationship. No, Granny told her to cut the crap and snap out of it. Why didnand#8217;t Kayli give and#8220;one of those dating websitesand#8221; a shot? With her ego on the line, Kayli threw the dare right back at herand#8212;if it was so wonderful, why didnand#8217;t single Granny join her in the world of cyber romance?
Granny Is My Wingman chronicles Kayliand#8217;s and Grannyand#8217;s misadventures in online dating. What ensues is a hilarious tour through the obstacles of modern love: drunken hookups, late-night Facebook stalking, breathy phone calls with geriatric suitors, and the occasional rude dude. While Kayli powers through a marathon of OkCupid datesand#8212;the corporate drone married to his BlackBerry, the nail-biting thirty-three-year-old who still lives at home with his mom, the serial online daterand#8212;we learn about Grannyand#8217;s romantic past and the bittersweet affair she carried on, even while married, for more than thirty years. The two women cheer each other on and become even closer as they share their dating exploits, learning that the hunt for happiness is the same whether youand#8217;re twenty-five or seventy-five.
Fresh, funny, and honest, Granny Is My Wingman is a book for anyone who has ever found love, lost it, and been crazy enough to do it all over again.
About the Author
Justin Halpern is the founding editor of the comedy website HolyTaco.com and a senior writer at Maxim.com. Halpern is the creator of the Twitter page "Shit My Dad Says," which boasts almost two million followers, and is co-writer and co-producer of the CBS sitcom $#*! My Dad Says. He splits his time between Los Angeles and his parents' home in San Diego.
Table of Contents
1.and#160;Who the Hell Is Jenna Jones?!and#8195;1
2.and#160;Hitting Is a Part of Healingand#8195;5
3.and#160;Cut the Shitand#8195;11
4.and#160;Whatand#8217;s Love Got to Do with It?and#8195;14
5.and#160;An Affair to Rememberand#8195;20
6.and#160;The Favorite Granddaughterand#8195;28
7.and#160;75 Yr Old Woman Seeks 75 Yr Old Manand#8195;32
8.and#160;I Donand#8217;t Make Dinner, I Make Reservationsand#8195;38
9.and#160;Players Gonna Playand#8195;45
10.and#160;Settling for Lifeand#8195;57
11.and#160;Fantastic vs. Fartyand#8195;65
12.and#160;Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!and#8195;70
13.and#160;This Ainand#8217;t Her First Rodeoand#8195;80
14.and#160;Junk in the Trunkand#8195;85
18.and#160;Donand#8217;t Stop, Wonand#8217;t Stopand#8195;117
20.and#160;Itand#8217;s Not Me, Itand#8217;s Youand#8195;133
22.and#160;Heand#8217;s Busy? Youand#8217;re Twice as Busyand#8195;146
23.and#160;Dasher and Dancerand#8195;156
24.and#160;The Horizontal Boogieand#8195;159
25.and#160;Friends in a Hopeless Placeand#8195;174
27.and#160;Whole Foods Hookupsand#8195;187
28.and#160;Granny Knows Bestand#8195;191
29.and#160;D to the T to the Rand#8195;197
and#160;and#160;and#160;About the Authorand#8195;205
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