A wall of silent resentment shuts you off from someone you love....You listen to an argument in which neither party seems to hear the other....Your mind drifts to other matters when people talk to you....

People Skills is a communication-skills handbook that can help you eliminate these and other communication problems. Author Robert Bolton describes the twelve most common communication barriers, showing how these "roadblocks" damage relationships by increasing defensiveness, aggressiveness, or dependency. He explains how to acquire the ability to listen, assert yourself, resolve conflicts, and work out problems with others. These are skills that will help you communicate calmly, even in stressful emotionally charged situations.

People Skills will show you

* How to get your needs met using simple assertion techniques

* How body language often speaks louder than words

* How to use silence as a valuable communication tool

* How to de-escalate family disputes, lovers' quarrels, and other heated arguments

Both thought-provoking and practical, People Skills is filled with workable ideas that you can use to improve your communication in meaningful ways, every day.

Explores listening, assertion, and conflict management skills needed for the development of effective interpersonal communications and more meaningful human relationships, with an examination of barriers to communication.

Includes bibliographical references (p. 280-295) and index.

Robert Bolton, Ph.D., is president of Ridge Consultants in Cazenovia, New York, a firm that specializes in improving human performance in industry, health care, education, and government. His staff has taught communication skills to thousands of managers, salespersons, first-line supervisors, secretaries, customer-relations personnel, teachers, members of the clergy, health-care workers, couples, and others.

Contents

Preface

PART ONE

Introduction

CHAPTER ONE

Skills for Bridging the Interpersonal Gap

Communication: Humanity's Supreme Achievement
The Ineffectiveness of Most Communication
The Ache of Loneliness
So Much Lost Love
A Key to Success at Work
A Life-or-Death Matter
You Can Change
You Will Change!
Managing Your Resistance to Learning
Five Sets of Skills
Summary

CHAPTER TWO

Barriers to Communication

Common Communication Spoilers
Why Roadblocks Are High-Risk Responses
Judging: the Major Roadblock
Roadblock
Sending Solutions Can Be a Problem!
Avoiding the Other's Concerns
Roadblock Number Thirteen
Summary

PART TWO

Listening Skills

CHAPTER THREE

Listening Is More Than Merely Hearing

The Importance of Listening
Listening Defined
Listening Skill Clusters
Attending Skills
Following Skills
Summary

CHAPTER FOUR

Four Skills of Reflective Listening

Reflective Responses Provide a Mirror to the Speaker
Paraphrasing
Reflecting Feelings
Reflecting Meanings
Summary

CHAPTER FIVE

Why Reflective Responses Work

Style and Structure in Listening
Six Peculiarities of Human Communication
Skepticism Is Best Dissolved by Action
Summary

CHAPTER SIX

Reading Body language

The Importance of Body Language
Nonverbals: The Language of Feelings
The "Leakage" of Masked Feelings
Guidelines for Reading Body Language
Reflect the Feelings Back to the Sender
A Clear But Confusing Language
Summary

CHAPTER SEVEN

Improving Your Reflecting Skills

Guidelines for Improved Listening
Beyond Reflective Listening
When to Listen Reflectively
When Not to Listen Reflectively
The Good News and the Bad News
Summary

PART THREE

Assertion Skills

CHAPTER EIGHT

Three Approaches to Relationships

Listening and Assertion: The Yin and Yang of Communication
Methods for Developing Assertiveness
The Need to Protect One's Personal Space
Impacting
The Submission-Assertion-Aggression Continuum
Payoffs and Penalties of Three Ways of Relating
Choose for Yourself
Summary

CHAPTER NINE

Developing Three-Part Assertion Messages

Verbal Assertion: The Third Option
Three-Part Assertion Messages
Effective and Ineffective Ways of Confrontation
Writing Three-Part Assertion Messages
A Voyage of Self-Discovery and Growth
Summary

CHAPTER TEN

Handling the Push-Push Back Phenomenon

Surprise Attack
The Human Tendency to Be Defensive
The Upward Spiral of Increasing Defensiveness
A Six-Step Assertion Process
Summary

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Increasing Your Assertive Options

Many Varieties of Assertive Behavior
"Natural" Assertions
Self-Disclosure
Descriptive Recognition
Relationship Assertions
Selective Inattention
Withdrawal
The Spectrum Response
Options
Natural and Logical Consequences
Stop the Action; Accept the Feelings
Say "No!,"
Modify the Environment
The Danger of Going Overboard
The Aura of Assertiveness
Summary

PART FOUR

Conflict Management Skills

CHAPTER TWELVE

Conflict Prevention and Control

Conflict Is Unavoidable
Conflict Is Disruptive and/or Destructive
The Benefits of Conflict
Realistic and Nonrealistic Conflict
Personal Conflict Prevention and Control Methods
Group/Organizational Prevention and Control Methods
The Dangers of Conflict Prevention and Control
Summary

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Handling the Emotional Components of Conflict

Focus on the Emotions First
The Conflict Resolution Method
The Conflict Resolution Method in Action
Four Ways to Use the Conflict Resolution Method
Preparation for the Encounter
Evaluating the Conflict
Expected Outcomes of the Conflict Resolution Method
Summary

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Collaborative Problem Solving: Seeking an Elegant Solution

Three Kinds of Conflict
Alternatives to Collaborative Problem Solving
Seeking an Elegant Solution Through Collaborative Problem Solving
Six Steps of the Collaborative Problem-Solving Method
What This Problem-Solving Method Communicates
Collaborative Problem-Solving in Action
Handling the Crucial Preliminaries
What Do I Do When Collaborative Problem Solving Doesn't Work?
Applications of Collaborative Problem Solving
Summary

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Three Essentials for Effective Communication

In Communication, Skills Alone Are Insufficient
Genuineness
Non-possessive Love
Empathy
Implementation of the Core Attitudes

AFTERWORD

Four Steps to Improved Communication

A Quantified Commitment to Use the Skills
Select Appropriate Situations
Undaunted by Occasional Failure
Prepare Others for the Change
Skill Training

Notes
Index