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1 Hawthorne Humor- General

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My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face


My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face Cover


Synopses & Reviews

Publisher Comments:

Get ready for the read of your life. Never before has a single book combined awesome vans, unicorns, Billy Joel, and erotic fiction in such a potent combination. A writing tour de force? Perhaps. A reading experience that will sear itself into your consciousness like a red-hot branding iron? Without question.

Comedian and basic cable superstar Michael Ian Black unleashes the full fury of his astonishing intellect in this collection of short comic essays. My Custom Van is a no-holds-barred assault to the funny bone that will literally beat you into submission with hilarity*.

How did he do it? How did he create such a fine anthology? Answer: With love. Michael opened his heart and used the magical power of love to write more than fifty thought-provoking essays like, "Why I Used a Day-Glo Magic Marker to Color My Dick Yellow," and "An Open Letter to the Hair Stylist Who Somehow Convinced Me to Get a Perm When I Was in Sixth Grade."

Maybe you think love is not a substitute for "good writing skills" and "spell check." Bull pucky! When it comes to writing books, love is the most powerful word processor of all.

Sounds pretty great, right? And yet...something is still holding you back from paying the full purchase price of this book. What is it? Perhaps you secretly believe you do not deserve a book this good. Nonsense — you deserve this book and so much more. In fact, if Michael could have written you all the stars in the sky, that's what he would have done. But he couldn't do that, due to his lack of knowledge in the area of astronomy. So he wrote this book instead.

And this flap copy.


* Michael Ian Black is not responsible for any actual injuries caused by reading this book.

About the Author

Michael Ian Black has starred in many television series and films including Stella, The State, Wet Hot American Summer, Viva Variety, Vh1's I Love the... series, and NBC's Ed. He wrote the screenplay for Run, Fat Boy Run, and wrote and directed the film Wedding Daze. Michael is also a popular stand-up comedian and world champion poker player (not true). He lives in Connecticut with his wife and two kids.

Table of Contents


Foreword by Abraham Lincoln

What I Would Be Thinking If I Were Billy Joel Driving to a Holiday Party Where I Knew There Was Going to Be a Piano

One Day, I'm Going to Open a Scented Candle Shoppe

Maximus Beer

Why I've Decided to Go Blonde

A Series of Letters to a Squirrel

Join Our Club!

Hey, David Sedaris — Why Don't You Just Go Ahead and Suck It?

Erotic Fiction: The Elevator

A College Application Essay to Harvard That Might Have Been Written by a High School Senior Who Has Absolutely No Chance of Getting Accepted

Taco Party

Vampires — Good for the Economy?


The Complete Idiot's Guide to Meeting People More Famous Than You

My Custom Van

A Meditation on Salami

Now We Will Join Forces, You and I


Using the Socratic Method to Determine What It Would Take for Me to Voluntarily Eat Dog Shit for the Rest of My Life

Why I Used a Day-Glo Magic Marker to Color My Dick Yellow

Announcing the Imminent Arrival of the Handlebar Mustache Certain People Said I'd Never Be Able to Grow

Erotic Fiction: The Beach

When I Finally Get Around to Building My Robot, This Is What It Will Be Like

A Description of Myself for a Dating Service If I Were a Chicken

A Series of Letters to the First Girl I Ever Fingered

How I Might Address My Players at Halftime If I Were a Self-Loathing High School Football Coach in a Game Where We Were Losing 49-3

How I Might Address My Players at Halftime If I Were a Self-Loathing High School Football Coach in a Game Where We Were Winning 49-3

Testing the Infinite Monkey Probability Theorem

Job Orientation

This Is How I Party

A Suicide Note

Stan the Oracle

Lewis Black Hates Candy Corn: A Rebuttal

I No Longer Love You, Magic Unicorn

Some DJ Names I've Been Considering

I Have an Indomitable Spirit

Incident at the Torpedo

Good Skiing Form

An Open Letter to the Hairstylist Who Somehow Convinced Me to Get a Perm When I Was in Sixth Grade

Instructions for the Cleaning Lady

How to Approach the Sensitive Question: Anal?

Do Not Buy Tundra from a Door-to-Door Salesman


Erotic Fiction: The Mad Scientist

A Series of Letters to Celine Dion's Husband, René Angélil


A Few Words About My Jug Band

Chapter 19 of My Science Fiction Epic, The Pirates of Dagganon 6, Which I Am Only Able to Write Because of a Generous Grant from the Makers of Barq's Root Beer

My Top 50 New Year's Resolutions

In Conclusion: A First Draft of the Acceptance Speech I Plan to Give Upon Receiving Some Kind of Important Literary Prize for Writing This Book


Product Details

Black, Michael
Simon Spotlight Entertainment
Black, Michael Ian
Form - Essays
Form - Anecdotes
American - General
General Humor
Edition Description:
Trade Paperback
Publication Date:
Grade Level:
8.25 x 5.5 in

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Related Subjects

Arts and Entertainment » Humor » Anecdotes
Arts and Entertainment » Humor » Anthologies
Arts and Entertainment » Humor » General
Arts and Entertainment » Humor » Narrative
Fiction and Poetry » Literature » A to Z

My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face Used Trade Paper
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