“Who would win between . . .” has through the ages been one of man’s most fundamental questions. Sadly, adult responsibilities like “earning a living” and “having a girlfriend” have conspired to make it impossible for men to devote to this issue the scholarship it so deeply deserves. But now one hero has tapped into our ­need to know who’s the best, the strongest, the caveman with the biggest club.

From Jake Kalish, five-star general of the Imaginary Battlefield, emerges Santa vs. Satan, a tome that offers far more than idle speculation, culling expert analysis from martial arts masters, scientists, social theorists, and pop-culture philosophers, providing in-depth detail of the strengths and vulnerabilities of the combatants, and making bold predictions. Warriors are profiled and winners are declared in this seminal list of throwdowns that never were but should have been.

Han Solo vs. Indiana Jones

Adam vs. Charles Darwin

The Virgin vs. The Whore

Drunk vs. Stoner

Conspiracy Theorists vs. Conspirators

Muhammad Ali vs. Bruce Lee

The Stork vs. The Grim Reaper

Metrosexual vs. Eunuch

Michael Corleone vs. Tony Montana

Small Man with Breasts vs. Large Balding Woman

Artist vs. Critic

The Constipated vs. The Incontinent

Gandalf vs. Obi-Wan Kenobi

Married Gay Couple vs. Divorced Straight Couple

"This is the best waste of time available in print this summer."

—Will Coviello, www.blogofneworleans.com

“It's rare to find a book that actually can make you laugh out loud, and this book definitely can. It mines the sublime from the ridiculous, using a rapid-fire mixture of pop culture and irony delivered with a potty mouth to create a tongue-in-cheek work of quasi-seriousness. Plus, you can get an expert opinion on who would win a fight between Han Solo and Indiana Jones. Really, what's not to love?"

—Allen Adams, The Maine Edge

"There's no better way to whip your happy-hour friends into a frenzy than by debating one of Kalish's faux fight cards."

—Men's Health

"If you're on the toilet regretting the hot wings you just scarfed down, and you know you're going to be there for at least the next couple of hours, there's no better book to accompany you on your ordeal."

—Jason Hare, www.popdose.com

"Santa vs. Satan is one of the funniest books I have read in a while."

—Blogcritics magazine

Pop journalist Kalish presents the definitive collection of hypothetical showdowns between the greatest pop culture icons in history and provides a blow-by-blow breakdown of 60 fictional bouts.

JAKE KALISH is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Blender, Men’s ­Fitness, and Playboy, among other publications. He could totally kick your ass.