Santa Vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

“Who would win between . . .” has through the ages been one of mans most fundamental questions. Sadly, adult responsibilities like “earning a living” and “having a girlfriend” have conspired to make it impossible for men to devote to this issue the scholarship it so deeply deserves. But now one hero has tapped into our ­need to know whos the best, the strongest, the caveman with the biggest club.

From Jake Kalish, five-star general of the Imaginary Battlefield, emerges Santa vs. Satan, a tome that offers far more than idle speculation, culling expert analysis from martial arts masters, scientists, social theorists, and pop-culture philosophers, providing in-depth detail of the strengths and vulnerabilities of the combatants, and making bold predictions. Warriors are profiled and winners are declared in this seminal list of throwdowns that never were but should have been.

Han Solo vs. Indiana Jones

Adam vs. Charles Darwin

The Virgin vs. The Whore

Drunk vs. Stoner

Conspiracy Theorists vs. Conspirators

Muhammad Ali vs. Bruce Lee

The Stork vs. The Grim Reaper

Metrosexual vs. Eunuch

Michael Corleone vs. Tony Montana

Small Man with Breasts vs. Large Balding Woman

Artist vs. Critic

The Constipated vs. The Incontinent

Gandalf vs. Obi-Wan Kenobi

Married Gay Couple vs. Divorced Straight Couple

Pop journalist Kalish presents the definitive collection of hypothetical showdowns between the greatest pop culture icons in history and provides a blow-by-blow breakdown of 60 fictional bouts.

JAKE KALISH is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Blender, Mens ­Fitness, and Playboy, among other publications. He could totally kick your ass.