Who Moved My Mouse?: A Self-Help Book for Cats (Who Don't Need Any Help)

While cats may hide their self-doubt behind dismissive “you bore me” and “I just sprayed the couch” smirks, underneath they are desperate to introduce meaning into their nine lives. This parody, based on classic self-help texts, has the answers.

Has your cat been moping around in that patch of sunlight for more than 23 hours a day? Has kitty been overindulging in Fancy Feast in order to fill the vast emptiness within? While humans have plenty of self-help books to aid us in times of existential crisis, our feline friends have had to go it alone. Until now. This personal-growth book for cats (and their humans) uses the framework of classic self-help tomes to shed light on universal kitty questions. With chapters like “A Cat’s Conversations with God” and “The Fur Agreements,” this guide will empower cats to make the 20 minutes they’re awake each day the best 20 minutes of their lives.

This personal-growth book for cats (and their humans) uses the framework of classic self-help tomes to shed light on universal kitty questions. This guide will empower cats to make the 20 minutes they're awake each day the best 20 minutes of their lives.

Has kitty been overindulging in catnip to fill the vast emptiness within? Does self-actualization always remain one whisker away? This indispensable guide, based on classic self-help texts and filled with quizzes, exercises, and insider tips, will teach cats to make small, daily changes (e.g. Become an Early Riser—and Force Others to Join You) to improve their lives. With chapters like “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff . . . But Feel Free to Freak Out Over Anything That Moves Suddenly or Without Warning” and answers to pressing existential questions such as “Where are you going with that ham?,” this manual empowers cats to make the twenty minutes they’re awake each day the best twenty minutes of their lives.

Has kitty been moping around in that patch of sunlight for more than twenty-three hours a day? Perhaps overindulging in Fancy Feast in order to fill the vast emptiness within?

 

While humans have plenty of self-help books to aid them in times of existential crisis, felines have had to go it alone. Until now. This personal-growth book for cats (and their people) uses the framework of classic self-help texts to shed light on universal questions, such as whether gluttony is really a sin, why vaccuum cleaners exist, and why couch tassels are evil and must be destroyed. With chapters like “How to Win Friends and Influence Dog People” and “A Cat’s Conversations with God,” this timely and practical guide will empower cats to make the twenty minutes they’re awake each day the best twenty minutes of their lives.

“No longer satisfied with smelly shoes or two-hour tongue baths, today’s cats are looking for more than the quick fix of a jingle-ball session. Beautifully written with thoughtful insights, this book helps cats understand why nothing they do is ever their fault.”

—Kat Zebest, PhD, Head of Psychiatry, Stanford College

 

“While today’s cats hide self-doubt behind dismissive ‘you bore me’ and ‘I just sprayed the couch’ smirks, underneath they are desperate to introduce meaning into their nine lives. This masterful work answers their top questions.”

—Harry Lickalought, life coach and author of Be Your Best Feline

Acknowledgments vii

 

Chapter one:

A Cat’s Conversations with God 1

 

Chapter two:

Purrsonality Profile 13

 

Chapter three:

How to Win Friends and Influence Dog People 33

 

Chapter four:

Who Moved My Mouse? An Amazing Path to Declare Revenge on Those Who Dare Disturb What Is Yours 43

 

Chapter five:

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff . . . But Feel Free to Freak Out Over Anything That Moves Suddenly or Without Warning 59

 

Chapter six:

Nice Cats Don’t Get the Corner Litter Box 73

 

Chapter seven:

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Cats 95

 

Chapter eight:

The Fur Agreements 105

 

Chapter nine:

A Cat’s Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook 115

 

Bonus Chapter:

The Secret 131

 

About the Author133

 

Index 134