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Let's Panic about Babies!by Alice Bradley
Synopses & Reviews
Babies. Some of us want one. Some of us already have one. And some of us even were one.
But what are “babies,” exactly? Are they really tiny people? How did they get inside larger people? How will they get out? And if youve got one, what do you do with it? Our most cutting-edge scientific researchers have, to date, only mumbled theories and then distracted us all with shadow puppets and obscene limericks.
But no more! Because Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy are here to shed light on this heretofore un-light-sheddable topic. In their comprehensive, no-facts-are-too-disgusting guide LETS PANIC ABOUT BABIES!, the authors answer age-old baby-related questions, as well as newer ones they made up. Herein you can find answers to such queries as “How can I be sure Im pregnant?” (torso swells gradually until baby falls out into underpants), “Why am I so uncomfortable?” (uterine goblins exacting karmic revenge) and “Did I just pee myself?” (yes). And because they realize that the baby will continue to present challenges even after its birth, the authors tacked on more chapters specifically written to soak up all the tears you'll shed during your babys first year! So if youre wondering how to use phrenology to make ensure that your child wont be some sort of mercenary or television executive, or whether your obsessive vacuuming indicates postpartum depression or merely a vacuuming fetish, wonder no more. Or, rather, continue to wonder up until the moment that you read LETS PANIC ABOUT BABIES! Then and only then can you stop wondering, for you will have the answers, and all your wondering will just start to annoy people.
BABIES. Maybe youre thinking of having one. There might even be one inside you right now, draining nutrients from your system via a tube growing from its midsection. Or maybe youve already got one around the house, somewhere, and youre responsible for its continued survival. Youre saddled with a helpless being whom youve agreed to house and feed and love with all your heart for the rest of your life, more or less.
Either way, youre confused, youre frightened, and 911 wont take your calls anymore. But dont despair! Lets Panic About Babies! is here to hold your hand and answer some important, age-old baby-related questions, including:
- How can I be sure Im pregnant? (Torso swells gradually until baby falls into underpants.)
- Did I just pee myself? (Yes.)
- What happens if I have sex during my pregnancy? (Your baby will be born with a full, lush beard.)
- How can I tell if Ive chosen the wrong pediatrician? (He/she cant pronounce “stethoscope.”)
- How do I make sure my baby loves me back? (Voodoo.)
From the moment theyre created until the day they steal our cars, our babies demand center stage in our lives. So join Alice and Eden as they tell you (and your lucky partner!) exactly what to think and feel and do, from morning sickness to babys first steps. They know everything!
About the Author
Alice Bradley writes the award-winning blog Finslippy (www.finslippy.com). Her work has been featured in numerous anthologies, magazines and websites, including The Best Creative Nonfiction, Vol. 2, Redbook, Nerve, The Sun, The Onion News Network, and Fence. She was nominated in 2009 for a Pushcart Prize in nonfiction. Alice lives in Brooklyn, New York, with her husband, son, dog, and cat.
Eden M. Kennedy is the author of the web site Fussy.org, which was celebrated as one of the top ten parenting blogs by the Wall Street Journal. She has been featured in The San Francisco Chronicle, The New York Times, and on the BBC, and her work has appeared in several anthologies. A former bookseller and magazine editor, she lives with her family in Southern California.
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