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Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies: On Myths, Morons, Free Speech, Football, and Assorted Absurditiesby Chris Kluwe
Synopses & Reviews
Hi. In your hands, right now, you hold the culmination of thousands of years of human intelligence, ingenuity, and brilliance. Now put your goddamn phone down and pay attention to my book.
What is in my book, you ask? (I'm really glad you asked, by the way, because now I get to tell you.)
Time travel. Gay marriage. Sportsballing. Futuristic goggles that DO NOTHING.
Tiny brags from my publisher, stuff like: "This is an uproarious, uncensored take on empathy, personal responsibility, and what it means to be human."
Excessive brags about myself: "An extraordinarily clever, punishingly funny, sharp-tongued blogosphere star, NFL player, husband and father, one-time violin prodigy, voracious lifetime reader, obsessive gamer, and fearless champion of personal freedom."
Oh, and also an essay on the Pope's Twitter account. Honestly, if that doesn't draw you in, there's no hope left for humanity. I also give my own funeral eulogy, in case you were hoping I'd go away and die now!
So please, join me in the glorious art of windmill tilting by reading this "collection of rousing, uncensored personal essays, letters, and stories" (I have no idea why that's in quotes).
Join the herd of Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies.
(You know you want to.)
"Chris Kluwe — erstwhile punter for the Minnesota Vikings, musician, and 'ordinary human being, full of carbon and hydrogen and oxygen' — builds a collection of essays using the same zeal first seen in his open letter to Emmett C. Burns Jr., the Maryland politician who attempted to quell the free speech of Baltimore Ravens players. The infamous letter is included early in the collection followed by essays on a wide variety of topics: personal, political, random. The book reads like a diary of a smart, incredibly likeable, opinionated spazz. Kluwe entertains throughout with nimble associative leaps, ranging from a future where 'the world hovers in an uneasy peace,' to a hilarious investigation of the former pope's Twitter account, in which Kluwe points out, 'the pope follows himself, in seven languages.' Kluwe's sharpest writing comes when he's riled up and revving to rant, as displayed perfectly in his response to an article by former tight end turned writer Nate Johnson. While the book is no masterpiece, Kluwe's personality shines through, making it a highly enjoyable read. Kluwe is a self-aware, funny, intelligent, good dude who knows how to tweak a little publicity toward a good cause. (June)" Publishers Weekly Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved.
About the Author
Chris Kluwe grew up in Southern California among a colony of wild chinchillas and didn't learn how to communicate outside of barking and howling until he was fourteen years old. He has played football in the NFL, once wrestled a bear for a pot of gold, and lies occasionally. He is also the eternal disappointment of his mother, who just can't understand why he hasn't cured cancer yet. Do you know why these bio things are in third person? I have no idea. Please tell me if you figure it out.
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