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Lizard Tales: The Wit and Wisdom of Ron Shirleyby Ron Shirley
Synopses & Reviews
The star of TruTV's hit show, Lizard Lick Towing, shares stories of life as a small-town repo man, as well as the "Ron-isms" and "Ron-osophy" he is known for.
Crazier than a sack of rabid weasels?
Country as cornflakes?
Gooder than grits?
You bet he is!
Week after week, millions of viewers tune in to Lizard Lick Towing to watch Ron Shirley outsmart the fist-swinging, gun-toting folks whose vehicles he’s been hired to repossess. Staring danger in the face, Ron disarms them not with his size or his strength but with his wit—and especially with his trademark funny sayings that have come to be known as “Ronisms.”
In Lizard Tales, Ron takes readers on a side-splitting trip through his wacky, colorful life. Growing up and raising heck in the Carolina countryside—where sushi is still called “bait”—young Ronnie was known to gig frogs, mooch moonshine from his pops, hunt, and cruise the strip in Myrtle Beach. He continues to get himself into hilarious scrapes and jams as an adult by tarring a roof during a lightning storm, inviting an angry deer onto his cousin’s brand-new boat, drinking (and fist-fighting) with a priest, matching wits with his wife, Amy, and running repo with his sidekicks at the towing company. So kick back, help yourself to some ’shine (if you got it), let Ron tell you some stories, and prepare yourself to get licked!
About the Author
Ron Shirley is the star of TruTV’s hit series Lizard Lick Towing. He lives with his family in North Carolina.
Table of Contents
1. This Is a Dog- Eat- Dog World . . . So Don’t Come Around
Wearin’ No Milk- Bone Underwear
2. Letting the Cat Out of the Bag . . . Is a Whole Lot Easier
Than Putting Him Back In
3. Tell Me What You Need . . . And I’ll Tell You How to Get
Along Without It
4. Trains and Trouble
5. Chasing Your Tail Gets You Nowhere Except Back to
Where You Started
6. Go for the Ugly Early . . . And You’ll Never Go Home
7. Don’t Ever Corner Nuthin’ Meaner Than You
8. Whoever Said You Can’t Buy Happiness Must Have Been
9. Don’t Ever Mess with Nuthin’ . . . That Ain’t Messin’ with
10. You Always Catch More Flies with Honey Than
Vinegar . . . If You Want to Catch Flies
11. Save Your Breath . . . You Might Need It to Blow Up Your
12. Being Big Don’t Make You Bad . . . No More Than Being
Born in an Oven Makes You a Biscuit
13. Don’t Ride a Horse Till You’ve Checked Under His
14. Tighter Than a Frog’s Butt . . . And That’s Watertight 000
15. Either Fish or Cut Bait
16. If It’s Got Tires or Testicles . . . It’s Gonna Give You
17. It’s Better to Let People Think You’re an Idiot . . . Than to
Open Your Mouth and Remove All Doubt
18. Life’s Always Simpler When You Plow Around the
19. You’d Rather French Kiss a Rattlesnake . . .
20. There’s Two Theories About Arguing with a
Woman . . . And Neither One of Them Works
21. If Everything’s Coming Your Way . . . You’re in the Wrong
22. Rapture Isn’t What You Get When You Lift Something
That’s Too Heavy
23. I Married Miss Right . . . I Just Didn’t Know Her First
Name Was “Always”
24. There Ain’t No Sense in Beating a Dead
Horse . . . ’Course, It Can’t Hurt None Neither
25. If I Tell You a Rooster Can Pull a Freight Train . . . You’d
Better Hook ’Im Up
26. Some Days You’re the Pigeon . . . And Some Days You’re
27. A Fisherman Is a Jerk on One End of the Line Waiting for
a Jerk on the Other
28. Sometimes You Can’t Tell Nobody Nuthin’ . . . That Ain’t
Never Been Nowhere
29. I Used to Have a Handle on Life . . . But Now It’s
Final Thoughts from an Uncommon Mind
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