SUPERMAN WARNINGS!

* Be Forwarned! *

1. Superman has difficulty flying at night.

2. When he does fly, Superman creates a small vacuum behind him. Birds and small planes would be wise not to fly too close to Superman.

3. Superman does not eat food that has been prepared in a microwave oven. Hot-pockets, pizza rolls, and Jolly Time popcorn are all unknown to him.

4. If you ask Superman whether or not Batman is gay, he'll just shrug and smile.

5. Superman thinks cats are great, but strongly dislikes horses and dolphins.

6. Lois Lane believes their breakfast nook is haunted. That it is inhabited by an evil spirit that makes his presence known by appearing as a faint reflection in the window pane, where he exposes himself to her. Whenever she mentions this to Superman, he secretly laughs to himself.

7. Superman's two favorite smells in the whole world are fresh bark-a-mulch and taco meat. Number three is Lois' hair.

8. Superman needs his personal space. This is not just a question of comfort. At any given moment, he may need to suddenly change directions or take off like a bolt of lightning. Thus, he does not like it when people crowd him. Superman refers to such people as "dildos."

9. Superman doesn't enjoy shopping, except for grocery shopping. But he doesn't like to stick his hand too deeply into the fruit displays, for fear of being bitten by tarantulas. Whenever he mentions this to Lois, she secretly laughs to herself.

Mark Russell is a writer and a cartoonist working out of Portland, Oregon. He is also the editor of The Penny Dreadful. His work has appeared in a variety of publications and venues including the Bear Deluxe and the McSweeney's website. He is currently at work on a collection of short works called Bunkbed Mishaps, a collaboration with graphic artist David Croy.