Confessions of a Scary Mommy: An Honest and Irreverent Look at Motherhood: The Good, the Bad, and the Scary

Confessions of a Scary Mommy is a collection of original essays that take an irreverent look at the underbelly of parenting — things most moms would never admit, but feel every day. Brutally honest and hysterically funny, Confessions will leave you feeling less alone in the sometimes overwhelming and exhausting world of motherhood. If you’re already a fan, lock the bathroom door on your whining kids, run a bubble bath, and settle in. If you’ve not encountered Scary Mommy before, break out a glass of champagne as well, because you’ll be toasting your initiation into a very select club.

Chapters cover everything from husbands (“If he could be carried around in a Baby Bjorn all day, he would.”) to other people’s kids (“Other people’s kids are just useless, bad influences who play no necessary role in our lives.”) to PTA fundraisers (“It brings out the worst in people…and who wants an overpriced roll of wrapping paper, anyway? How about something we actually want to buy? Alcohol, for instance.”) Each chapter begins with the best anonymous confessions from Smokler’s popular online Confessional.

Whether you’re a mom, a dad, a grandmother, a grandfather, an aunt, an uncle, a teacher, a godparent, or a teenager in need of birth control, Confessions of a Scary Mommy will be sure to leave you nodding your head in agreement and laughing out loud.

The Scary Mommy Manifesto:

I shall maintain a sense of humor about all things motherhood, for without it, I recognize that I may end up institutionalized. Or, at the very least, completely miserable.

I shall not judge the mother in the grocery store who, upon entering, hits the candy aisle and doles out M&Ms to her screaming toddler. It is simply a survival mechanism.

I shall not compete with the mother who effortlessly bakes from scratch, purees her own baby food, or fashions breathtaking costumes from tissue paper. Motherhood is not a competition. The only ones who lose are the ones who race the fastest.

I shall shoot the parents of the screaming newborn on the airplane looks of compassion rather than resentment. I am fortunate to be able to ditch the kid upon landing. They, however, are not.

I shall never ask any woman whether she is, in fact, expecting. Ever.

I shall not question the mother who is wearing the same yoga pants, flip-flops and t-shirt she wore to school pickup the day before. She has good reason.

I shall never claim to know everything about any child but my own. (Who still remains a mystery to me.)

I shall hold the new babies belonging to friends and family, so they may shower and nap, which is all any new mother really wants.

I shall attempt to not pass down my own messed up body issues to my daughter. She deserves a mother who loves and respects herself; stretch marks, cellulite and all.

I shall not preach the benefits of breastfeeding or circumcision or home schooling or organic food or co-sleeping or crying it out to a fellow mother who has not asked my opinion. It’s none of my damn business.

I shall try my hardest to never say never, for I just may end up with a loud-mouthed, bikini clad, water gun shooting toddler of my very own.

I shall remember that no mother is perfect and my children will thrive because, and sometimes even in spite, of me.

“Funny...speaks the truths about motherhood when other mothers aren’t willing to admit it.” Parenting

“Thousands upon thousands of mothers grasp onto her every word.” The Baltimore Sun on Jill Smokler’s groundbreaking blog

“Any mother who doesn't stifle a million knowing laughs while reading Confessions of a Scary Mommy needs to make sure her funny bone wasn't accidentally sucked into the diaper genie.” Julie Klam, New York Times bestselling author of You Had Me at Woof

“Jill offers up the perfect antidote to overly earnest parenting guides. It's like comfort food for anxious moms, served with a side of snark.” Cynthia Copeland, author of The Diaper Diaries, and Really Important Stuff My Kids Have Taught Me

“Get ready to ditch those Prada shoes (and anything else nice you own) and face reality — you haven't had a brutal boss until you've had a baby. Confessions of a Scary Mommy is hilariously, outrageously truthful about the hardest job I know. Put this book at the top of your diaper bag!” Lauren Weisberger, New York Times bestselling author of The Devil Wears Prada

"Jill has blown the lid off of what should and should not be said when discussing the experience of motherhood, using her sense of humor and the occasional 'F-bomb' — and in doing so, Scary Mommy, has actually made motherhood a little bit less frightening....[Confessions of a Scary Mommy] dares to say the things most mothers have thought, but few have had the courage to admit." ABCnews.com

"Hilarious, brutal honesty about parenting." New York Times bestselling author Michael Ian Black

"It's the same kind of honest, heartfelt wisdom that has lured thousands of readers to Smokler's Scary Mommy blog and given untold numbers of parents the comforting knowledge that they're not alone." Baltimore Magazine

"Confessions of a Scary Mommy is THE book you should be giving all moms-to-be and new mothers so they can get that notion of being 'perfect' out of their mommy brains as soon as possible. Jill's book is a collection of the best confessions from her site, as well as some personal stories about becoming a mom and some of her own challenges and thoughts to put it all in perspective. Reading those confessions is pretty addicting and they make you feel pretty darn good." Cafe Mom

"Funny, charming, engaging and highly prone to making me laugh my head off." Babble.com

Sometimes I just let my children fall asleep in front of the TV.

In a culture that idealizes motherhood, its scary to confess that, in your house, being a mother is beautiful and dirty and joyful and frustrating all at once. Admitting that its not easy doesn't make you a bad mom; at least, it shouldn't.

If I cant survive my daughter as a toddler, how the hell am I going to get through the teenage years?

When Jill Smokler was first home with her small children, she thought her blog would be something to keep friends and family updated. To her surprise, she hit a chord in the hearts of mothers everywhere.

I end up doing my sons homework. Its wrong, but so much easier.

Total strangers were contributing their views on that strange reality called motherhood. As other women shared their stories, Jill realized she wasnt alone in her feelings of exhaustion and imperfection.

My eighteen month old still cant say “Mommy” but used the word “shit” in perfect context.

But she sensed her readers were still holding back, so decided to start an anonymous confessional, a place where real moms could leave their most honest thoughts without fearing condemnation.

I pretend to be happy but I cry every night in the shower.

The reactions were amazing: some sad, some pee-in-your-pants funny, some brutally honest. But they were real, not a commercial glamorization.

I clock out of motherhood at 8 P.M. and hide in the basement with my laptop and a beer.

If you're already a fan, lock the bathroom door on your whining kids, run a bubble bath, and settle in. If you've not encountered Scary Mommy before, break out a glass of champagne as well, because you'll be toasting your initiation into a select club.

I know why some animals eat their young.

In chapters that cover husbands (The Biggest Baby of Them All) to homework (Didn't I Already Graduate?), Confessions of a Scary Mommy combines all-new essays from Jill with the best of the anonymous confessions.

Sometimes I wish my son was still little — then I hear kids screaming at the store.

As Jill says, “We like to paint motherhood as picture perfect. A newborn peacefully resting on his mothers chest. A toddler taking tentative first steps into his mother's loving arms. A mother fluffing her daughters prom dress. These moments are indeed miraculous and joyful; they can also be few and far between.” Of course you adore your kids. Of course you would lay down your life for them. But be honest now: Have you ever wondered what possessed you to sign up for the job of motherhood?

STOP! DO NOT OPEN THIS BOOK UNTIL YOU RECITE THESE VOWS!

I shall remember that no mother is perfect and my children will thrive because, and sometimes even in spite, of me.

I shall not preach to a fellow mother who has not asked my opinion. It's none of my damn business.

I shall maintain a sense of humor about all things motherhood.

Based on the hugely popular website, ScaryMommy.com, Confessions of a Scary Mommy digs deep into the underbelly of parenting and tackles the issues many mothers are too afraid to expose. From swearing at your children in your head, to admitting to hating other people's kids, to dreading school breaks and family vacations, author Jill Smokler takes an irreverent look at the unglamorous side of parenting. A mix of original essays and anonymous confessions that hundreds of thousands of parents have posted on ScaryMommy.com, the book serves as a rallying cry to imperfect parents everywhere to embrace their own approach to parenting and stop competing with other moms who pretend to have it all under control. “Motherhood isn’t a competition. The only ones who lose are the ones who race the fastest.”

Sometimes naughty, always brutally honest, Smokler takes no prisoners — including herself and her own family — as she pokes holes in the facade of motherhood and surfaces what moms really think.

Jill Smokler is a domestic satirist whose candor about marriage and parenting has made her an unlikely hero among a new generation of women. Married to her college sweetheart, Jeff, she lives in downtown Baltimore with their three children and golden retriever.