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The Guardians: An Elegy

by

The Guardians: An Elegy Cover

 

 

Excerpt

 

The Thursday edition of the Riverdale Press carried a story that began An unidentified white man was struck and instantly killed by a Metro-North train last night as it pulled into the Riverdale station on West 254th Street.

The trains engineer told the police that the man was alone and that he jumped. The police officers pulled the body from the track and found no identification. The trains 425 passengers were transferred to another train and delayed about twenty minutes.

*   *   *

If I were a journalist Id have spoken to everyone and written everything down right away. Id have gone to the hospital and met all the people who were on the psychiatric ward at the moment Harris walked out the door, and then this book would be a more accurate rendering of the truth.

If I were to write responsibly, with adequate research to confirm certain facts, Id have to ask people about the last time they saw or spoke with or heard from my friend Harris. Im afraid to ask his parents those questions. Im afraid to talk with his last lover. Im afraid to meet his doctors and the man who drove the train.

For three years Ive studied klezmer orchestration, the physics of rainstorms, maps of Eastern Europe. I thought I could trade my life for this useless, vigorous research. Since I was afraid to know so many answers, I didnt ask any questions, and now its been three years. Now no one could possibly be able to remember the mundanities of July 23, 2008.

I could have waited until the end of my life to try to understand what happened on that day, saved it for last so I could know its whole effect, but instead I waited what seems an arbitrary, meaningless length of time.

I tried so hard not to notice Harriss death, I barely remember it. Time eroded the memory of it even as it gathered the dust of whats happened since. But I need to try to remember it now so I might keep it from haunting me.

*   *   *

We know the lost time begins just after noon because thats what the desk nurse said, and we know it ends at 10:48 because thats when the train pulled into the station. Sometime during that minute, maybe the engineer engaged the air brake. Maybe he blew the whistle. And before or after the engineer did those things, the trains snub nose, or maybe its whole underside, just above the rails, made contact with my friends still living body.

I want to say that ten hours are missing from Harriss life, but that isnt right. They were in his life. They just werent in anyone elses.

Though I wish I could, I cant say Harris lay down on the train track and felt relief. I cant imagine anything but torment, a blinding light, then nothing.

What I carry now—it brightens sometimes, without warning—is not his pain. This pain is mine, and unlike my friend, I dont try to hide it. I let it get all over everything. I yell in my studio. I cry on the subway. I tell everyone I know that my friend threw himself under a train.

*   *   *

Some people believe that only the selfish accept suicide as a possibility, but I dont believe suicide is available to everyone. It was available to me for a moment, and then a door shut between me and it. The door has stayed shut.

Some people think I should be angry at Harris, but Im not angry. I believe in the possibility of unendurable suffering.

A man whose lover died slowly wants this book to be about love.

A man whose brother died quickly wants this book to be about rage. I couldnt save my brother, he says. It never goes away, he says.

*   *   *

Sometimes I wish someone else had died instead—someone who blocks the open subway doors, for example, or someone who leaves piles of peanut shells on a train car. The fantasy comes to me in a flash—I can bring him back to life!

The woman who changed her babys diaper and left the filth on an orange plastic subway seat—Id have traded her for Harris. And Id have traded the man who unwrapped a candy, placed it in his mouth, dropped the wrapper on the platform in front of his feet, chewed, unwrapped another candy, placed it in his mouth, dropped the wrapper on the platform in front of his feet, chewed.

*   *   *

Harris played music, wrote software, wrote music, learned to drive, went to college, went to bed with girls, moved to New York, moved to California, went to graduate school, moved back to New York, went to more graduate school. His three psychotic breaks occupied almost no part of his actual life.

During the first episode, he hired a lawyer, convinced his colleagues were conspiring against him. He called his sister, not knowing where he was, thinking he might have been slipped something. She told him to lie down and rest. He called himself an ambulance, sent it away, drove himself to a gas station, parked the car, got out, slept behind a trash bin. A talking dog appeared and told him to enter a house. The door was unlocked. The people inside called the police, and Harris was arrested and brought to the hospital. After thirty-six hours of telephone calls his mother found him.

I dont know what breed of dog it was. I dont know what color the house was. I dont know how the doorknob felt in my friends hand.

After the first episode, sometimes hed stop speaking before the end of a sentence.

 

Copyright © 2012 by Sarah Manguso

Product Details

ISBN:
9780374167240
Subtitle:
An Elegy for a Friend
Author:
Manguso, Sarah
Publisher:
Farrar, Straus and Giroux
Subject:
Biography - General
Copyright:
Edition Description:
Trade paper
Publication Date:
20120228
Binding:
Electronic book text in proprietary or open standard format
Language:
English
Illustrations:
Notes/Bibliography
Pages:
128
Dimensions:
8.25 x 5.5 in

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Related Subjects

Biography » General
Fiction and Poetry » Literature » A to Z
History and Social Science » Sociology » Suicide

The Guardians: An Elegy Used Hardcover
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$13.95 In Stock
Product details 128 pages Farrar Straus Giroux - English 9780374167240 Reviews:
"Publishers Weekly Review" by , "In 2008, Harris Wulfson, Manguso's longtime friend, walked out of a mental hospital and into the path of an oncoming train. It was two days before his body was identified. In this affecting narrative, poet and writer Manguso (The Two Kinds of Decay) threads selected remembrances into an elegy — for Harris, who was a musician and composer, kind and funny and capable of behaving badly, but also an elegy for youth, that time of unstable arrangements and shifting roommates; for Manguso's past, filled with illness and suicidal thoughts; and, perhaps most of all, for a friendship. Manguso reminds us that long friendships are a palimpsest of love and disappointment and memory; old friends are a compass for one's life. Manguso puzzles over the thought of what becomes of a friend after death? as well as feelings of grief, guilt, and anger, and what separates the mentally ill from the rest of us (less than we think, she concludes). In the end, Manguso writes with assured and poetic prose." Publishers Weekly Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved.
"Synopsis" by ,

“An unidentified white man was struck and instantly killed by a Metro-North train last night,” reported the July 24, 2008, edition of the Riverdale Press. This man was named Harris, and The Guardians—written in the years after he escaped from a psychiatric hospital and ended his life—is Sarah Mangusos heartbreaking elegy.

Harris was a man who “played music, wrote software, wrote music, learned to drive, went to college, went to bed with girls.” In The Guardians, Manguso grieves not for family or for a lover, but for a best friend. With startling humor and candor, she paints a portrait of a friendship between a man and a woman—in all its unexpected detail—and shows that love and grief do not always take the shapes we expect them to.

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