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Original Essays | April 11, 2014

Paul Laudiero: IMG Shit Rough Draft



I was sitting in a British and Irish romantic drama class my last semester in college when the idea for Shit Rough Drafts hit me. I was working... Continue »
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A Series of Unfortunate Events Box: The Dilemma Deepens

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A Series of Unfortunate Events Box: The Dilemma Deepens Cover

 

 

Excerpt

The Vile Village Chapter One

No matter who you are, no matter where you live, and no matter how many people are chasing you, what you don't read is often as important as what you do read. For instance, if you are walking in the mountains, and you don't read the sign that says "Beware of Cliff" because you are busy reading a joke book instead, you may suddenly find yourself walking on air rather than on a sturdy bed of rocks. If you are baking a pie for your friends, and you read an article entitled "How to Build a Chair" instead of a cookbook, your pie will probably end up tasting like wood and nails instead of like crust and fruity filling. And if you insist on reading this book instead of something more cheerful, you will most certainly find yourself moaning in despair instead of wriggling in delight, so if you have any sense at all you will put this book down and pick up another one. I know of a book, for instance, called The Littlest Elf, which tells the story of a teensy-weensy little man who scurries around Fairyland having all sorts of adorable adventures, and you can see at once that you should probably read The Littlest Elf and wriggle over the lovely things that happened to this imaginary creature in a made-up place, instead of reading this book and moaning over the terrible things that happened to the three Baudelaire orphans in the village where I am now typing these very words. The misery, woe, and treachery contained in the pages of this book are so dreadful that it is important that you don't read any more of it than you already have. The Hostile Hospital Chapter One

There are two reasons why a writer would end a sentence with the word “ stop” writtenentirely in capital letters stop. The first is if the writer were writing a telegram, which is a coded message sent through an electrical wire stop. In a telegram, the word “ stop” in all capital letters is the code for the end of a sentence stop. But there is another reason why a writer would end a sentence with “ stop” written entirely in capital letters, and that is to warn readers that the book they are reading is so utterly wretched that if they have begun reading it, the best thing to do would be to stop stop. This particular book, for instance, describes an especially unhappy time in the dreadful lives of Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire, and if you have any sense at all you will shut this book immediately, drag it up a tall mountain, and throw it off the very top stop. There is no earthly reason why you should read even one more word about the misfortune, treachery, and woe that are in store for the three Baudelaire children, any more than you should run into the street and throw yourself under the wheels of a bus stop. This “ stop” — ended sentence is your very last chance to pretend the “ stop” warning is a stop sign, and to stop the flood of despair that awaits you in this book, the heart-stopping horror that begins in the very next sentence, by obeying the “ stop” and stopping stop. The Carnivorous Carnival Chapter One

When my workday is over, and I have closed my notebook, hidden my pen, and sawed holes in my rented canoe so that it cannot be found, I often like to spend the evening in conversation with my few surviving friends. Sometimes we discuss literature. Sometimes we discuss the people who are trying todestroy us, and if there is any hope of escaping from them. And sometimes we discuss frightening and troublesome animals that might be nearby, and this topic always leads to much disagreement over which part of a frightening and troublesome beast is the most frightening and troublesome. Some say the teeth of the beast, because teeth are used for eating children, and often their parents, and gnawing their bones. Some say the claws of the beast, because claws are used for ripping things to shreds. And some say the hair of the beast, because hair can make allergic people sneeze.

But I always insist that the most frightening part of any beast is its belly, for the simple reason that if you are seeing the belly of the beast it means you have already seen the teeth of the beast and the claws of the beast and even the hair of the beast, and now you are trapped and there is probably no hope for you. For this reason, the phrase "in the belly of the beast" has become an expression which means "inside some terrible place with little chance of escaping safely," and it is not an expression one should look forward to using.

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lovelyreader, January 2, 2012 (view all comments by lovelyreader)
I absolutely love the Series of Unfortunate Events!! I love how Lemony Snicket (a.k.a. Daniel Handler) uses the language in the book to create a perfect work of art!
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Product Details

ISBN:
9780060556204
Author:
Helquist, Brett
Publisher:
HarperCollins
Illustrator:
Helquist, Brett
Author:
Helquist, Brett
Author:
by Lemony Snicket and Brett Helquist
Subject:
General
Subject:
Family - Orphans & Foster Homes
Subject:
Children s-General
Subject:
Humorous Stories
Copyright:
Edition Description:
Hardcover
Series:
A Series of Unfortunate Events
Publication Date:
20030923
Binding:
Hardback
Grade Level:
from 5
Language:
English
Illustrations:
Y
Dimensions:
7.42x5.50x3.37 in. 2.43 lbs.
Age Level:
09-12

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Related Subjects

Children's » General
Children's » Humor
Children's » Middle Readers » General
Children's » Reference » Family and Genealogy
Children's » Series » General

A Series of Unfortunate Events Box: The Dilemma Deepens Used Hardcover
0 stars - 0 reviews
$16.95 In Stock
Product details pages HarperCollins Publishers - English 9780060556204 Reviews:
"Synopsis" by , Books 7-9 are packaged together in this set that comes with a free iron-on that can turn any garment into a uniform of a secret organization. Includes The Vile Village, The Hostile Hospital, and The Carnivorous Carnival.
"Synopsis" by , The third unfortunate gift/box — set of this New York Times best — selling series, which will include The Vile Village, The Hostile Hospital, and The Carnivorous Carnival.
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