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Original Essays | June 20, 2014

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The Abstinence Teacher: A Novel

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The Abstinence Teacher: A Novel Cover

ISBN13: 9780312358334
ISBN10: 0312358334
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Excerpt

The Abstinence Teacher

PART ONE
Some People Enjoy It
Miss Morality
ON THE FIRST DAY OF HUMAN SEXUALITY, RUTH RAMSEY WORE A short lime green skirt, a clingy black top, and strappy high-heeled sandals, the kind of attention-getting outfit she normally wouldn't have worn on a date--not that she was going on a lot of dates these days--let alone to work. It was a small act of rebellion on her part, a note to self--and anyone else who cared--that she was not a willing participant in the farce that would unfold later that morning in second-period Health & Family Life.
On the way to homeroom, Ruth stopped by the library to deliver the grande nonfat latte she regularly picked up for Randall, the Reference Librarian, a fellow caffeine junkie who returned the favor by making the midday Starbucks run. The two of them had bonded several years earlier over their shared revulsion for what Randall charmingly called the "warmed-over Maxwell Piss" in the Teacher's Lounge, and their willingness to spend outlandish sums of money to avoid it.
Randall kept his eyes glued to the computer screen as she approached. A stranger might have mistaken him for a dedicated Information Sciences professional getting an early start on some important research, but Ruth knew that he was actually scouring eBay for vintage Hasbro action figures, a task he performed several times a day. Randall's partner, Gregory, was a successful real-estate broker and part-time artistwho built elaborate dioramas featuring the French Resistance Fighter GI Joe, an increasingly hard-to-find doll whose moody Gallic good looks were dashingly accentuated by a black turtleneck sweater and beret. In his most recent work, Gregory had painstakingly re-created a Parisian café circa 1946, with a dozen identical GI Jeans staring soulfully at each other across red-checkered tablecloths, tiny handmade Gauloises glued to their plastic fingers.
"Thank God," he muttered, as Ruth placed the paper cup on his desk. "I was lapsing into a coma."
"Any luck?"
"Just a few Russian infantrymen. Mint condition, my ass." Randall turned away from the screen and did a bug-eyed double take at the sight of Ruth's outfit. "I'm surprised your mother let you out of the house like that."
"My new image." Ruth struck a pose, jutting out one hip and sucking in her cheeks like a model. "Like it?"
He gave her a thorough top-to-bottom appraisal, taking full advantage of the gay man's license to stare.
"I do. Very Mary Kay Letourneau, if you don't mind my saying so."
"My daughters said the same thing. Only they didn't mean it as a compliment."
Randall reached for his coffee cup, raising it to his lips and blowing three times into the aperture on the plastic lid, as though it were some sort of wind instrument.
"They should be proud to have a mom who can carry off a skirt like that at ..." Randall's voice trailed off diplomatically.
" ... at my age?" Ruth inquired.
"You're not that old," Randall assured her. "And you look great."
"Lotta good it does me."
Randall sipped his latte and gave a philosophical shrug. He was a little older than Ruth, but you wouldn't have known it from his dark curly hair and eternally boyish face. Sometimes she felt sorry forhim--he was a cultured gay man, an opera-loving dandy with a fetish for Italian designer eyewear, trapped all day in a suburban high school--but Randall rarely complained about the life he'd made for himself in Stonewood Heights, even when he had good reason to.
"You never know when opportunity will knock," he reminded her. "And when it does, you don't want to answer the door in a ratty old bathrobe."
"It better knock soon," Ruth said, "or it won't matter what I'm wearing."
Randall set his cup down on the Wonder Woman coaster he kept on his desk, next to an autographed picture of Maria Callas. The serious expression on his face was only slightly compromised by his milk-foam mustache.
"So how are you feeling?" he asked. "You okay about all this?"
Ruth shifted her gaze to the window behind the circulation desk, taking a moment to admire the autumnal image contained within its frame: a school bus parked beneath a blazing orange maple, a bright blue sky crowning the world. She felt a sudden urge to be far away, tramping through the woods or wandering around a strange city without a map.
"I just work here," she said. "I don't make the rules."
 

RUTH SPENT most of first period in the lounge, chatting with Donna DiNardo, a Biology teacher and field hockey coach in her late thirties. Over the summer, after years of being miserably single, Donna had met her soulmate--an overbearing optometrist named Bruce DeMastro--through an internet matchmaking service, and they'd gotten engaged after two magical dates.
Ruth had been thrilled when she heard the news, partly because of the fairy-tale aspect of the story, and partly because she'd gotten tired of Donna's endless whining about how hard it was to meet a man once you'd reached a certain age, which had only served to make Ruth thatmuch more pessimistic about her own prospects. Oddly, though, finding love hadn't done much to improve Donna's mood; she was a worrier by nature, and the prospect of sharing her life with another person provided a mother lode of thorny new issues to fret about. Today, for example, she was wondering whether it would be a hardship for her students if, after the big day, she asked them to address her as Ms. DiNardo-DeMastro.
Although Ruth felt strongly that women should keep their names when they married--she hadn't done so, and now she was stuck with her ex-husband's last name--she kept this opinion to herself, having learned the hard way that you could only lose by taking sides in matters as basic as this. She had once offended a pregnant friend by admitting--after persistent demands for her honest opinion--to disliking the name "Claudia," which, unbeknownst to her, the friend had already decided to bestow upon her firstborn child. Little Claudia was eight now, and Ruth still hadn't been completely forgiven.
"Do whatever you want," Ruth said. "The students won't care."
"But DiNardo-DeMastro?" Donna was standing by the snack table, peering into a box of Dunkin' Munchkins with an expression of naked longing. She was a heavyset woman whose body image anxieties had reached a new level of obsession now that she'd been fitted for a wedding gown. "It's kind of a mouthful, isn't it?"
"You're fine either way," Ruth assured her.
"It's driving me crazy." Donna lifted a chocolate Munchkin from the box, pondered it for a moment, then put it back. "I really don't know what to do."
With an air of melancholy determination, Donna backed away from the donut holes and helped herself to a styrofoam cup of vile coffee, into which she dumped two heaping spoonfuls of nondairy creamer and three packets of carcinogenic sweetener.
"Bruce hates hyphenated names," she continued. "He just wants me to be Donna DeMastro."
Ruth glanced plaintively around the room, hoping for a little backup from her colleagues, but the two other teachers present--Pete Fontana (Industrial Arts) and Sylvia DeLacruz (Spanish)--were ostentatiously immersed in their reading, none too eager to embroil themselves in the newest installment of Donna's prenuptial tribulations. Ruth didn't blame them; she would've done the same if not for her guilty conscience. Donna had been a kind and supportive friend last spring, when Ruth was the one with the problem, and Ruth still felt like she owed her.
"I'm sure you'll work something out," she said.
"If my name was Susan it wouldn't be such a big deal," Donna pointed out, drifting back toward the Munchkins as if drawn by an invisible force. "But Donna DiNardo-DeMastro? That's too many D's."
"Alliteration," agreed Ruth. "I'm a fellow sufferer."
"I don't want to turn into a joke," Donna said, with surprising vehemence. "It's hard enough to be a woman teaching science."
Ruth sympathized with her on this particular point. Jim Wallenski, the man Donna had replaced, had been known as "Mr. Wizard" to three decades' worth of Stonewood Heights students. He was a gray-haired, elfin man who wandered the halls in a lab coat and bow tie, smiling enigmatically as he tugged on his right earlobe, the Science Geek from central casting. Despite her master's degree in Molecular Biology, Donna just didn't look the part in her tailored bell-bottom pantsuits and tasteful gold jewelry. She was too earthbound, too well organized, too attentive to other people, more credible as a highly efficient office manager than as Ms. Wizard.
"I don't know, Ruth." Donna peered into the Munchkins box. "I'm just feeling overwhelmed by all these decisions."
"Eat it," said Ruth.
"What?" Donna seemed startled. "What did you say?"
"Go ahead. One Munchkin's not gonna kill you."
Donna looked scandalized. "You know I'm trying to be good."
"Treat yourself." Ruth stood up from the couch. "I gotta look over some notes. I'll catch up with you later, okay?"
After a very brief hesitation, Donna plucked a powdered Munchkin out of the box and popped it into her mouth, smiling at Ruth as she did so, as if the two of them were partners in crime. Ruth gave a little wave as she slipped out the door. Donna waved back, chewing slowly, her fingertips and lips dusted with sugar.
 

THE SUPERINTENDENT and the Virginity Consultant were waiting outside Room 23, both of them smiling as if they were happy to see Ruth come clackety-clacking down the long brown corridor, as if the three of them were old friends who made it a point to get together whenever possible.
"Well, well," said Dr. Farmer, in the jaunty tone he only trotted out for awkward situations. "If it isn't the estimable Ms. Ramsey. Right on time."
Glancing at Ruth's outfit with badly concealed disapproval, he thrust out his damp, meaty paw. She shook it, disconcerted as always by the change that came over the Superintendent when she found herself face-to-face with him. From a distance he looked like himself--the handsome, vigorous, middle-aged man Ruth had met fifteen years earlier--but up close he morphed into a bewildered senior citizen with rheumy eyes, liver spots, and unruly tufts of salt-and-pepper ear hair.
"Punctuality is one of my many virtues," Ruth said. "Even my ex-husband would agree."
Ruth's former husband--the father of her two children--had taught for a few years in Stonewood Heights before taking a job in nearby Gifford Township. He'd recently been promoted to Curriculum Supervisor for seventh- and eighth-grade Social Studies, and was rumored to be next in line for an Assistant Principalship at the middle school.
"Frank's a good man." The Superintendent spoke gravely, as if defending Frank's honor. "Very dependable."
"Unless you're married to him," Ruth said, doing her best to make this sound like a lighthearted quip.
"How long were you together?" asked the consultant, JoAnn Marlow, addressing Ruth in that disarmingly cordial way she had, as if the two of them were colleagues and not each other's worst nightmare.
"Eleven years." Ruth shook her head, the way she always did when contemplating the folly of her marriage. "I don't know what I was thinking."
JoAnn laid a cool, consoling hand on Ruth's arm. As usual, she was done up like a contestant in a beauty pageant--elaborate hairdo, gobs of makeup, everything but the one-piece swimsuit and the sash that said "Miss Morality"--though Ruth didn't understand why she bothered. If you were determined to live like a nun--and determined to broadcast this fact to the world--why waste all that time making yourself pretty?
"Must be so awful," JoAnn whispered, as if Ruth had just lost a close relative under tragic circumstances.
"Felt like a ton of bricks off my chest, if you want the truth. And Frank and I actually get along much better now that we don't have to see each other every day."
"I meant for the children," JoAnn explained. "It's always so hard on the children."
"The girls are fine," Ruth told her, resisting the urge to add, not that it's any of your business.
"Cute kids," said Dr. Farmer. "I remember when the oldest was just a baby."
"She's fourteen now," said Ruth. "Just as tall as I am."
"This is where the fun starts." He shook his head, speaking from experience. His middle child, Andrea, had been wild, a teenage runawayand drug addict who'd been in and out of rehab numerous times before finally straightening out. "The boys start calling, you have to worry about where they are, who they're with, what time they're coming home--"
The bell rang, signaling the end of first period. Within seconds, the hallways were filled with platoons of sleepy-looking teenagers, nodding and muttering to one another as they passed. Some of them looked like little kids, Ruth thought, others like grown-ups, sixteen-and seventeen-year-old adults. According to surveys, at least a third of them were having sex, though Ruth knew all too well that you couldn't always guess which ones just from looking at them.
"Girls have to protect themselves," JoAnn said. "They're living in a dangerous world."
"Eliza took two years of karate," Ruth reported. "She made it up to her green belt. Or maybe orange, I can't remember. But Maggie, my younger one, she's the jock. She's going to test for her blue belt next month. She does soccer and swimming, too."
"Impressive," noted Dr. Farmer. "My wife just started taking Tai Chi. She does it with some Chinese ladies in the park, first thing in the morning. But that's not really a martial art. It's more of a movement thing."
The adults vacated the doorway, making way for the students who began drifting into the classroom. Several of them smiled at Ruth, and a few said hello. She'd felt okay right up to that point, more or less at peace with the decision she'd made. But now, quite suddenly, she became aware of the cold sweat pooling in her armpits, the queasy feeling spreading out from her belly.
"I was talking about spiritual self-defense," said JoAnn. "We're living in a toxic culture. The messages these girls get from the media are just so relentlessly degrading. No wonder they hate themselves."
Dr. Farmer nodded distractedly as he scanned the nearly empty hallway. His face relaxed as Principal Venuti rounded the corner bythe gym and began moving toward them at high speed, hunched in his usual bowlegged wrestler's crouch, as if he were looking for someone to take down.
"Here's our fourth," said Dr. Farmer. "So we're good to go."
"Looks like it," agreed Ruth. "Be a relief just to get it over with."
"Oh, come on," JoAnn said, smiling at Ruth to conceal her annoyance. "It's not gonna be that bad."
"Not for you," Ruth said, smiling right back at her. "It's gonna be just great for you."
 

SOME PEOPLE enjoy it.
That was all Ruth had said. Even now, when she'd had months to come to terms with the fallout from this remark, she still marveled at the power of those four words, which she'd uttered without premeditation and without any sense of treading on forbidden ground.
The incident had occurred the previous spring, during a contraception lecture Ruth delivered to a class of ninth graders. She had just completed a fairly detailed explanation of how an IUD works when she paused and asked if anyone had any questions. After a moment, a pale, normally quiet girl named Theresa McBride raised her hand.
"Oral sex is disgusting," Theresa declared, apropos of nothing. "You might as well French-kiss a toilet seat. You can get all sorts of nasty diseases, right?"
Theresa stared straight at Ruth, as if daring her to challenge this incontrovertible fact. In retrospect, Ruth thought she should have been able to discern the hostile intent in the girl's unwavering gaze--most of the ninth graders kept their eyes trained firmly on their desks during the more substantive parts of Sex Ed--but Ruth wasn't in the habit of thinking of her students as potential adversaries. If anything, she was grateful to the girl for creating what her grad school professors used to call "a teachable moment."
"Well," Ruth began, "from what I hear about oral sex, some people enjoy it."
The boys in the back of the room laughed knowingly, an attitude Ruth chalked up more to bravado than experience, despite all the rumors about blowjobs being as common as hand-holding in the middle school. Theresa reddened slightly, but she didn't avert her eyes as Ruth continued with the more serious part of her answer, in which she discussed a few basic points of sexual hygiene, and described the body's ingenious strategies for separating the urinary and reproductive systems, even though they shared a lot of the same real estate. She finished by enumerating the various STD's that could and could not be transmitted through oral-to-genital contact, and recommending the use of condoms and dental dams to make oral sex safer for both partners.
"Done properly," she said, "cunnilingus and fellatio should be a lot more pleasant, and a lot cleaner, than kissing a toilet seat. I hope that answers your question."
Theresa nodded without enthusiasm. Ruth returned to her lecture, removing a diaphragm from its plastic case and whizzing it like a miniature Frisbee at Mark Royalton, the alpha male in the back row. Acting on reflex, Mark snatched the device from the air, and then let out a melodramatic groan of disgust when he realized what he was holding.
"Don't be scared," Ruth told him. "It's brand-new. For display purposes only."
 

IT WAS her own fault, she thought, for not having seen the trouble brewing. The atmosphere in the school, and around town, had changed a lot in the past couple of years. A small evangelical church--The Tabernacle of the Gospel Truth--led by a fiery young preacher known as Pastor Dennis, had begun a crusade to cleanse Stonewood Heights of all manner of godlessness and moral decay, as if thissleepy bedroom community was an abomination unto the Lord, Sodom with good schools and a twenty-four-hour supermarket.
Pastor Dennis and a small band of the faithful had held a successful series of demonstrations outside of Mike's World of Video, convincing the owner--Mike's son, Jerry--to close down a small "Adults Only" section in the back of the store; the church had also protested the town's use of banners that said "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." Tabernacle members had spoken out against the teaching of evolution at school board meetings, and initiated a drive to ban several Judy Blume novels from the middle-school library, including Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret, one of Ruth's all-time favorites. Randall had spoken out against censorship at the meeting, and had been personally attacked in the Stonewood Bulletin-Chronicle by Pastor Dennis, who said that it should come as no surprise to find immoral books in the school library when the school system placed "immoral people" in positions of authority.
"They've given the inmates control of the asylum," Pastor Dennis observed. "Is it any wonder they're making insane decisions?"
But the good guys had won that battle; the school board had voted five to four to keep Judy Blume on the shelves (unfortunately, the books themselves had been repeatedly vandalized in the wake of this decision, forcing the librarians to remove them to a safe area behind the circulation desk). In any event, Ruth had foolishly chosen to view these skirmishes as a series of isolated incidents, storms that flared up and blew over, rather than seeing them for what they were--the climate in which she now lived.
Her second mistake was thinking of herself as invulnerable, somehow beyond attack. She'd been teaching high school Sex Ed for more than a decade and had become a beloved figure--or so she liked to think--for the unflappable, matter-of-fact candor with which she discussed the most sensitive of subjects. She believed--it was her personal credo--that Pleasure is Good, Shame is Bad, and Knowledge is Power;she saw it as her mission to demystify sex for the teenagers of Stonewood Heights, so they didn't go through their lives believing that masturbation was a crime against nature, or that oral sex was the functional equivalent of kissing a toilet seat, or worse, perpetuating the time-honored American Tradition of not even knowing there was such a thing as the clitoris, let alone where it was located. She was doing what any good teacher did--leading her students into the light, opening them up to new ways of thinking, giving them the vital information they needed to live their lives in the most rewarding way possible--and in doing so, she had earned more than her fair share of respect and affection from the kids who passed through her classroom, and some measure of gratitude from the community as a whole.
So when Principal Venuti told her that he needed to talk to her about an "important matter," she showed up at his office without the slightest sense of misgiving. Even when she saw the Superintendent there, as well as a man who introduced himself as a lawyer for the school district, she felt more puzzled than alarmed.
"This isn't a formal interview," the Superintendent told her. "We're just trying to get the facts straight."
"What facts?" said Ruth.
The Principal and the Superintendent turned to the lawyer, who didn't look too happy.
"Ms. Ramsey, did you ... umm ... well, did you advocate the practice of fellatio to your students?"
"Did I what?"
The lawyer glanced at his yellow pad. "Last Thursday, in sixth-period Health? In response to a question by a Theresa McBride?"
When Ruth realized what he was talking about, she laughed with relief.
"Not just fellatio," she explained. "Cunnilingus, too. I would never single out just the one."
The lawyer frowned. He was a slovenly guy in a cheap suit, the kindof attorney you sometimes saw on TV, blinking frantically, trying to explain why he'd fallen asleep during his client's murder trial. Stonewood Heights was a relatively prosperous town, but Ruth sometimes got the feeling that the people in charge didn't mind cutting a few corners.
"And you're telling us that you advocated these practices?"
"I didn't advocate them," Ruth said. "If I remember correctly, I think what I said is that some people like oral sex."
Joe Venuti let out a soft groan of dismay. Dr. Farmer looked like he'd been jabbed with a pin.
"Are you absolutely certain?" the lawyer asked in an insinuating tone. "Why don't you take a moment and think about it. Because if you're being misquoted, it would make everything a lot easier."
By now it had finally dawned on Ruth that she might be in some kind of trouble.
"You want me to say I didn't say it?"
"It would be a relief," admitted Dr. Farmer. "Save us all a big headache."
"There were a lot of witnesses," she reminded them.
"Nobody had a tape recorder, right?" The lawyer grinned when he said this, but Ruth didn't think he was joking.
"I can't believe this," she said. "Are people not allowed to like oral sex anymore?"
"People can like whatever they want on their own time." Joe Venuti stared at Ruth in a distinctly unfriendly manner. Before being named Principal, he'd been a legendary wrestling coach, famous for verbally abusing several generations of student-athletes. "But we can't be advocating premarital sex to teenagers."
"Why do you guys keep saying that?" Ruth asked. "I wasn't advocating anything. I was just stating a fact. It's no different than saying that some people like to eat chicken."
"If you said that some people like to eat chicken," the lawyer toldher, "I don't think Mr. and Mrs. McBride would be threatening a lawsuit."
Ruth was momentarily speechless.
"Th--they're what?" she spluttered. "They're suing me?"
"Not just you," the lawyer said. "The whole school district."
"But for what?"
"We don't know yet," said the lawyer.
"They'll think of something," said Venuti. "They're part of that church. Tabernacle, whatever."
"They got some Christian lawyers working pro bono," Dr. Farmer explained. "These guys'll sue you for wearing the wrong color socks."
 

AFTER LIVING the first forty-one years of her life in near-total obscurity, Ruth had been shocked to find herself transformed into a public figure--the Oral Sex Lady--a person she barely recognized. The story was first reported in the Bulletin-Chronicle ("Sex Ed Crosses Line, Family Says"), and then picked up by some larger regional papers before getting an unwelcome moment in the sun of a big-city tabloid ("Oral Sex A-OK, Teacher Tells Kids"). Ruth was contacted by numerous journalists eager to get her side of the so-called scandal, and although she was itching to defend herself--to rebut the malicious and ill-informed Letters to the Editor, to put her "controversial remarks" in some sort of real-life context, to speak out about what she saw as the proper role of Sexuality Education in the high-school curriculum--she had received strict instructions not to comment from the school district's lawyer, who didn't want her to jeopardize the "sensitive negotiations" he was conducting with the McBrides' legal team.
The gag order remained in effect during the emergency school board meeting called to address the crisis, which meant that, after issuing a terse, abject apology to "anyone who might have been offended" by anything she'd said "that might have been inappropriate," Ruth had to sit down and shut up while speaker after speaker rose to accuse her ofrecklessness and irresponsibility and even, in the case of one very angry old man, to suggest that she had more than a thing or two in common with "a certain lady from Babylon." A handful of parents spoke up on Ruth's behalf, but their support felt tepid at best--people were understandably reluctant to rally around the banner of oral sex at a school board meeting--and their statements were regularly interrupted by a chorus of boos from the Tabernacle contingent.
The bad taste from this experience was still strong in Ruth's mouth when she got to work the next morning and found a notice in her mailbox announcing a special schoolwide assembly on the subject of "Sexual Abstinence: Saying Yes to Saying No," presented by an organization called Wise Choices for Teens. At any other point in her career, Ruth would have barged into the Principal's office and told Joe Venuti exactly what she thought about Abstinence Education--that it was a farce, an attack on sexuality itself, nothing more than officially sanctioned ignorance--but she was well aware of the fact that her opinion was no longer of the slightest interest to the school administration. This lecture was damage control, pure and simple, a transparent attempt to placate the Tabernacle people and their supporters, to let them know that their complaints had been heard.
So Ruth buttoned her lip--it had become second nature--and went to the assembly, curious to see what the students would make of it. After all, Stonewood Heights wasn't the Bible Belt; it was a well-to-do Northeastern suburb, not liberal by any means, but not especially conservative, either. On the whole, the kids who grew up here believed in money, status, and fun; most of them would readily admit that they were a lot more focused on getting into a good college than the Kingdom of Heaven. They traveled, drove nice cars, wore cool clothes, and surfed the web on their camera phones. It was hard to imagine them being particularly receptive to the idea that an earthly pleasure existed that they weren't entitled to enjoy whenever and however they felt like it.
Ruth wasn't sure what kind of spokesperson she'd been expecting, but it certainly wasn't the young woman who took the stage after a warm welcome from Principal Venuti. The guest speaker wasn't just blond and pretty; she was hot, and she knew it. You could see it in the way she moved toward the podium--like a movie star accepting an award--that consciousness she had of being watched, the pleasure she took in the attention. She wore a tailored navy blue suit with a knee-length skirt, an outfit whose modesty somehow provoked curiosity rather than stifling it. Ruth, for example, found herself squinting at the stage, trying to decide if the unusually proud breasts straining against the speaker's silk blouse had been surgically enhanced.
"Good afternoon," she said. "My name is JoAnn Marlow, and I'd like to tell you a few things about myself. I'm twenty-eight years old, I'm a Leo, I'm a competitive ballroom dancer, and my favorite band is Coldplay. I like racquet sports, camping and hiking, and going for long rides on my boyfriend's Harley. Oh, yeah, and one more thing: I'm a virgin."
She paused, waiting for the audience to recover from a sudden epidemic of groans and snickers, punctuated by shouts of "What a waste!" and "Not for long!" and "I'll be gentle!" issuing from unruly packs of boys scattered throughout the auditorium. JoAnn didn't seem troubled by the hecklers; it was all part of the show.
"I guess you feel sorry for me, huh? But you know what? I don't care. I'm happy I'm a virgin. And my boyfriend's happy about it, too."
Somebody coughed the word "Bullshit," and pretty soon half the crowd was barking into their clenched fists. It got so bad that Principal Venuti had to stand up and give everyone the evil eye until they stopped.
"You probably want to know why I'm so happy about something that seems so uncool, don't you? Well, let me tell you a story."
The story was about a carefree girl named Melissa whom JoAnn had known in college. Melissa slept around, but figured it was okay,because the guys always used condoms. One night, though, when she was having "safe sex" with this handsome stud she'd met at a bar--a guy she didn't know from Adam--the condom just happened to break, as condoms will.
"The guy looked healthy," JoAnn explained. "But he had AIDS. Melissa's dead now. And I'm alive. That's reason number one why I'm glad to be a virgin."
It turned out JoAnn had a lot of reasons. She was happy because she'd never had gonorrhea, like her friend, Lori, a straight A student who didn't realize she was sick until prom night, when she discovered a foul puslike discharge on her underwear; or the excruciatingly painful Pelvic Inflammatory Disease suffered by her ex-roommate, Angela, who'd let her chlamydia go untreated, and was now infertile; or herpes, like her old rock-climbing buddy, Mitch, who couldn't walk some days because of the agony caused by the festering sores on his penis; or hideous incurable genital warts like her otherwise-cute-as-a-button neighbor, Misty; or crabs, which were not actually crabs but lice--real live bugs!--having a party in your pubic hair, like they'd done to her ex-dancing partner, Jason.
"Oh, my friends used to tease me a lot," JoAnn said. "They called me a prude and a Goody Two-Shoes. Well, you can bet they're not teasing me now."
And there was one more thing. JoAnn was glad she'd never gone through what her friend Janice had, never had to pee on a stick to discover she was pregnant by some jerk she'd met at a frat party and would never have even spoken to if she hadn't been so drunk she could barely walk; never had to drive to an abortion clinic with this same jerk, who despised her as badly as she despised him; never had to lie there in a hospital gown while some creepy doctor did his business with a vacuum hose; never had to live with the responsibility of making a baby and then not allowing it to be born.
"I can sleep at night," JoAnn declared, "and that's more than I cansay for a lot of people I know. I can sleep because I don't have any regrets. I'm a strong, self-sufficient individual, and I can look myself in the mirror and honestly say that my mind and my body are one hundred percent intact. They're mine and mine alone, and I'm proud of that."
It was standard-issue Abstinence Ed, in other words--shameless fear-mongering, backed up by half-truths and bogus examples and inflammatory rhetoric--nothing Ruth hadn't been exposed to before, but this time, for some reason, it felt different. The way JoAnn presented this stuff, it came across as lived experience, and for a little while there--until she snapped out of her trance and saw with dismay how easily she'd been manipulated--even Ruth had fallen under her spell, wondering how she'd ever been so weak as to let herself be duped into thinking it might be pleasant or even necessary to allow herself to be touched or loved by another human being. Why would you, if all it was going to do was make you vulnerable to all those afflictions, all that regret?
After a short Q&A, JoAnn concluded her talk with a slide show. Instead of the gallery of diseased genitalia that Ruth had expected, though, Stonewood Heights High School was treated to a series of photographs of JoAnn and her boyfriend vacationing on a Caribbean island. If you didn't know better, you might have thought they were on their honeymoon--two happy, attractive young people frolicking in the ocean, drinking out of coconut shells by the pool, kissing beneath a palm tree, clearly reveling in each other's company (now that she'd gotten a glimpse of JoAnn's fearsome bikini cleavage, Ruth was convinced that her breasts had indeed benefited from cosmetic surgery). The final image showed the boyfriend alone--a buff, shirtless, all-American guy--standing by the water's edge in his swimming trunks, a surfboard tucked under his arm.
"As you might imagine," JoAnn said, "it's not easy saying no to a superhot guy like Ed. But when it gets hard, I just remind myself ofmy wedding night, and how amazing it's going to be when I give myself to my husband with a pure heart, a clean conscience, and a perfectly intact body. Because that's going to be my reward, and mark my words, people--it is going to be soooo good, oh my God, better than you can even imagine."
The lights came on, and the students applauded enthusiastically, though Ruth wasn't quite sure if they were applauding for the hot sex JoAnn would have in the future or her commitment to avoiding it in the here and now. Either way, Ruth had to grudgingly admit to herself that she was impressed. JoAnn Marlow had somehow pulled off the neat feat of seeming sexy and puritanical at the same time, of impersonating a feminist while articulating a set of ideas that would have seemed retro in 1954, of making abstinence seem steamy and adventurous, a right-wing American variation on Tantric sex. It was a little scary.
But it was over. Or at least Ruth thought it was, until she walked out of the auditorium and saw Dr. Farmer and Principal Venuti and several members of the school board standing in the hallway, looking pleased and excited.
"Wasn't that extraordinary?" Dr. Farmer asked her. "What a great role model for the kids."
"Informative, too," said Venuti. "Lots of medical facts and whatnot."
The board members--there were five of them, enough for a voting majority--nodded in enthusiastic agreement, and Ruth saw that it would be useless to quibble with JoAnn's facts or find fault with the way she'd presented them. The situation had clearly progressed beyond the point where facts were of any use to anyone, so she just nodded politely and went on her way.
At least this way she had a heads-up, and didn't feel ambushed a month later when the school board announced that the high school would be revamping its Sex Education curriculum over the summer, with the help of a dynamic nonprofit organization called Wise Choicesfor Teens. Later that same meeting, it was also announced that the McBride family had decided not to file a lawsuit against the Stonewood Heights School District after all.
 

A PALPABLE current of electricity moved through the classroom as Ruth perched herself on the edge of the metal desk, primly crossing her legs at the ankles. Tugging at the hem of her skirt, she found herself momentarily startled--it was something that happened a lot these days--by the sight of her calves, which had been transformed by all the running she'd done over the summer. They looked lovely and unfamiliar, almost as if she'd borrowed them from a woman half her age.
She'd started exercising in late spring, at the height of the scandal, on the suggestion of her ex-husband, who thought that a vigorous aerobic workout might alleviate the tension headaches and insomnia that had left her groggy and short-tempered, in no condition to function as a teacher or a parent. He reminded her of how riding a bicycle had gotten him through the darkest days of their divorce, when he missed their daughters so much he regularly cried himself to sleep at night.
"You can't brood," he told her. "You gotta go out and do something positive."
It was the best advice he ever gave her. She started small, half-walking, half-jogging a few laps around the middle-school track, but her body responded right away. In July, she was running three miles a day at a slow, steady clip; by mid-August, a brisk five-miler no longer made her feel like she was going to throw up or die of heatstroke. She ran a 10k race on Labor Day, finishing ninth in the Women Forty and Over category. In six months, she lost twenty pounds, streamlined her entire lower body, and realized, to her delight and amazement, that she looked thinner and healthier than she had in college, where she'd majored in Psychology and minored in Doritos. The only downside to this midlife physical transformation was that it made her that muchmore conscious of the absence of a man in her life--it seemed like such a waste, having a nice body again, and no one to appreciate it.
What the running mainly did, though--she could see it more clearly in retrospect than she'd been able to at the time--was provide her with a way of working through her anger and coming to some level of acceptance of the new regime. Because as much as she would have liked to stand up for what she believed in and resign in protest, where would she have been then? She was a divorced mother with two daughters who would soon be going to college, a tenured teacher with six years to go before she qualified for a full pension. It wouldn't be easy to find another district in the area willing to hire someone with her baggage. And besides, as Randall frequently reminded her, if she quit then they would win, the forces of shame and denial, the people who'd praise the Lord if they forced her out of the classroom and replaced her with someone more compliant. Wouldn't it be better to stay put and see what happened? The Abstinence curriculum was a pilot program, part of a two-year study funded by a federal grant. When it ended, who knew what would take its place?
All of these arguments had seemed perfectly plausible to Ruth as she'd jogged around Stonewood Lake at dusk, or huffed and puffed down the bike path at the first light of dawn. But right now, looking out on a classful of ninth graders, she wondered if she'd been betrayed by the endorphins, because all she wanted to do was apologize to her students for letting them down, for allowing it to come to this.
She knew it was past time to get started, but she couldn't seem to locate her voice. The kids were watching her closely, their faces alert and curious, paying the kind of attention she would have killed for on any other day. In the back row, the minders were growing restless, exchanging glances of puzzlement and concern. JoAnn leaned in close to Dr. Farmer and whispered something in his ear. Principal Venuti cleared his throat at high volume and made a spinning motion with hisindex finger, signaling that it was time to get rolling. Ruth felt a disgustingly fake smile--an adolescent reaction to social panic that she'd never fully conquered--tugging at the corners of her mouth. It took an effort of will for her to rein it in.
"Well," she finally managed to croak, in a voice she didn't recognize as her own. "Here we are."
THE ABSTINENCE TEACHER. Copyright © 2007 by Tom Perrotta. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information, address St. Martin's Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

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Deborah Fochler, October 24, 2007 (view all comments by Deborah Fochler)
A funny, truthful, irreverant and utterly serious story about small town life with characters with very different beliefs. Based on sex ed in the school system and the ageless war that rages year after year. What do you tell the children and teenagers. Do you blindly tell them that sex is bad and they must refrain or do you give them information to protect themselves? This book is very serious while hysterically funny. The characters while flawed and each facing their own demons are endearing and could very easily be your next door neighbor or friend. I truly enjoyed the experience.
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Product Details

ISBN:
9780312358334
Author:
Perrotta, Tom
Publisher:
Macmillan Audio
Author:
Scott, Campbell
Subject:
General
Subject:
Interpersonal Relations
Subject:
Evangelists
Subject:
General Fiction
Subject:
Literary
Copyright:
Edition Description:
Trade paper
Publication Date:
October 16, 2007
Binding:
Electronic book text in proprietary or open standard format
Grade Level:
General/trade
Language:
English
Illustrations:
9 CDs, 11.5 hours
Pages:
384
Dimensions:
8.29 x 5.48 x 1 in

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The Abstinence Teacher: A Novel Used Hardcover
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Product details 384 pages St. Martin's Press - English 9780312358334 Reviews:
"Publishers Weekly Review" by , "'Signature Reviewed by Jennifer Gilmore Tom Perrotta knows his suburbia, and in The Abstinence Teacher he carves out an even larger chunk of his distinct terrain. Set in the northeastern suburb of Stonewood Heights, Perrotta's sixth book takes on the war between the liberals and the evangelists. When single mother Ruth Ramsay, the sex ed teacher at the local high school, tells her class that oral sex can be enjoyable, the Tabernacle of the Gospel Truth church begins its crusade. Believable or not, the school agrees to an abstinence curriculum and in marches JoAnn Marlowe with her blonde hair and pumps to instill in Ruth the tenets of the new program. Gone are the days of rolling a condom over a cucumber; now Ruth is required to promote restraint, which she does wearily and halfheartedly. These are heady days, when students rat out their teachers and the local soccer coach — Ruth's daughter is on his team — is a divorced ex-druggie and active Tabernacle member. When Tim leads the team in prayer, Ruth wrenches her daughter from the circle and the hostility between the opposing camps grows. Who is bad and who is good? Ruth's youthful promiscuity rises slowly to the surface, while Tim's struggle to stay sober makes him constantly confront his past. He's lost his wife and daughter — also on the soccer team — to his addictions, but now he's clean and married to a Tabernacle girl. His Jesus-loving ways, however, are in direct conflict with his desires, rendering him the most complex and likable character. When he loses his own battle with abstinence at a poker party, the finest scene in the novel culminates with his keying 'Jesus' across the hood of an SUV parked in the drive. Ruth would gladly have sex if it would only come her way, and she also drinks on school nights. A less well-drawn complement to Tim, Ruth is a tolerant liberal with a newly toned body who plays therapist to her gay friends, but who can't accept that her children are interested in Jesus.The lesson is that everybody must give up something. Even Ruth's ex-lover, once a pudgy trumpet player, no longer eats to maintain his abs of steel. So what is lost when we cannot succumb to our desires? Who then do we become? The book is rife with Perrotta's subtle and satiric humor (the Tabernacle is seen as a place of diversity, while the punks, Deadheads and headbangers of Tim's past are all predictably the same), but these questions get lost as the plot winds down. Issues of sex and religion that have shaken the town become, in the end, the story of what Ruth and Tim's newly forged relationship will soon become. Jennifer Gilmore is the author of the novel Golden Country, which will be out in paperback in September. ' Publishers Weekly (Copyright Reed Business Information, Inc.)" Publishers Weekly (Copyright Reed Business Information, Inc.)
"Review" by , "[S]hrewd yet compassionate....Ruefully humorous and tenderly understanding of human folly: the most mature, accomplished work yet from this deservedly bestselling author."
"Review" by , "Perrotta deals with these timely issues by having characters from the different camps forced to confront one another. What results from these civilized exchanges, which feel so human in their complexity and confusion, is a more personal, inside view of how such tensions play out. Recommended."
"Review" by , "Perotta focuses on the small, personal motives behind life's big shake-ups. A finely wrought novel that will be in demand."
"Review" by , "[A] genial new suburban satire....[Perrotta] resists giving firm answers to the thorny moral questions lurking in his material — which is a relief. (Grade: B+)"
"Review" by , "As formulaic as this plot might sound, Mr. Perrotta uses it not to construct a conventional screwball romance but to create a sad-funny-touching story that looks at the frustrations and perils of life in suburbia through darkly tinted, not rose-colored glasses..."
"Synopsis" by , Perrotta's topical novel illuminates the powerful emotions that run beneath the placid surface of modern family life, and explores the complicated spiritual and sexual lives of ordinary people.
"Synopsis" by , The rich new novel by the bestselling author of Little Children, Joe College, and Election.
"Synopsis" by ,
The rich new novel by the bestselling author of Little Children, Joe College, and Election
"Synopsis" by ,
Stonewood Heights is the perfect place to raise children, but amid its good schools and healthy real estate market, a small-town culture war is brewing. The Abstinence Teacher focuses on two divorced parents who become adversaries in the mess: Ruth Ramsey is the human sexuality teacher at the local high school who believes that "pleasure is good, shame is bad, and knowledge is power." Her younger daughter's soccer coach is Tim Mason, a former stoner and rocker whose response to hitting rock bottom was to reach out and be saved. Ruth and Tim instinctively distrust one another, but when a controversy on the playing field forces the two of them to actually talk to each other, an uneasy friendship begins to develop. Elegantly written and with Perrotta's distinctive mix of satire and compassion, The Abstinence Teacher illuminates the powerful emotions that run beneath the placid surface of modern American family life, and explores the complicated spiritual and sexual lives of ordinary people.
"Synopsis" by ,

“Perrotta is that rare combination: a satirist with heart….Those who havent curled up on the couch with this writers books are missing a very great pleasure.”—Seattle Times

Stonewood Heights is the perfect place to raise children: its got good schools, solid values and a healthy real estate market.  Parents in the town are involved in their childrens lives, and often in other childrens lives, too—coaching sports, driving carpool, focusing on enriching experiences.  Ruth Ramsey is the high school human sexuality teacher whose openness is not appreciated by all her students—or their parents.  Her daughters soccer coach is Tim Mason, a former stoner and rocker whose response to hitting rock bottom was to reach out and be saved.  Tims introduction of Christianity on the playing field horrifies Ruth, while his evangelical church sees a useful target in the loose-lipped sex ed teacher.  But when these two adversaries in a small-town culture war actually talk to each other, a surprising friendship begins to develop.

“Nobody renders the world of soccer moms and sprinklers and SUVs like Perrotta. Hes the Steinbeck of suburbia.”—Time

“Tom Perrotta is a truth-telling, unshowy chronicler of modern-day America.”—The New York Times Book Review (in a front-page review)

The Abstinence Teacher illuminates the powerful emotions that run beneath the placid surface of modern American family life, and explores the complicated spiritual and sexual lives of ordinary people. It is elegantly and simply written, characterized by the distinctive mix of satire and compassion that has become Perrottas trademark.

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