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The Nanny Diaries

by and

The Nanny Diaries Cover

 

 

Excerpt

PROLOGUE

The Interview

Every season of my nanny career kicked off with a round of interviews so surreally similar that I'd often wonder if the mothers were slipped a secret manual at the Parents League to guide them through. This initial encounter became as repetitive as religious ritual, tempting me, in the moment before the front door swung open, either to kneel and genuflect or say, "Hit it!"

No other event epitomized the job as perfectly, and it always began and ended in an elevator nicer than most New Yorkers' apartments.

***

The walnut-paneled car slowly pulls me up, like a bucket in a well, toward potential solvency. As I near the appointed floor I take a deep breath; the door slides open onto a small vestibule which is the portal to, at most, two apartments. I press the doorbell.

Nanny Fact: she always waits for me to ring the doorbell, even though she was buzzed by maximum security downstairs to warn of my imminent arrival and is probably standing on the other side of the door. May, in fact, have been standing there since we spoke on the telephone three days ago.

The dark vestibule, wallpapered in some gloomy Colefax and Fowler floral, always contains a brass umbrella stand, a horse print, and a mirror, wherein I do one last swift check of my appearance. I seem to have grown stains on my skirt during the train ride from school, but otherwise I'm pulled together--twin set, floral skirt, and some Gucci-knockoff sandals I bought in the Village. She is always tiny. Her hair is always straight and thin; she always seems to be inhaling and never exhaling. She is always wearing expensive khaki pants, Chanel ballet flats, a French striped Tshirt, and a white cardigan. Possibly some discreet pearls. In seven years and umpteen interviews the I'm-momcasual-in-my-khakis-but-intimidating-in-my-$400-shoes outfit never changes. And it is simply impossible to imagine her doing anything so undignified as what was required to get her pregnant in the first place.

Her eyes go directly to the splot on my skirt. I blush. I haven't even opened my mouth and already I'm behind.

She ushers me into the front hall, an open space with a gleaming marble floor and mushroom-gray walls. In the middle is a round table with a vase of flowers that look as if they might die, but never dare wilt.

This is my first impression of the Apartment and it strikes me like a hotel suite--immaculate, but impersonal. Even the lone finger painting I will later find taped to the fridge looks as if it were ordered from a catalog. (Sub-Zeros with a custom-colored panel aren't magnetized.)

She offers to take my cardigan, stares disdainfully at the hair my cat seems to have rubbed on it for good luck, and offers me a drink.

I'm supposed to say, "Water would be lovely," but am often tempted to ask for a Scotch, just to see what she'd do. I am then invited into the living room, which varies from baronial splendor to Ethan Allen interchangeable, depending on how "old" the money is. She gestures me to the couch, where I promptly sink three feet into the cushions, transformed into a five-year-old dwarfed by mountains of chintz. She looms above me, ramrod straight in a very uncomfortable-looking chair, legs crossed, tight smile.

Now we begin the actual Interview. I awkwardly place my sweating glass of water carefully on a coaster that looks as if it could use a coaster. She is clearly reeling with pleasure at my sheer Caucasianness.

"So," she begins brightly, "how did you come to the Parents League?"

This is the only part of the Interview that resembles a professional exchange. We will dance around certain words, such as "nanny" and "child care," because they would be distasteful and we will never, ever, actually acknowledge that we are talking about my working for her. This is the Holy Covenant of the Mother/Nanny relationship: this is a pleasure--not a job. We are merely "getting to know each other," much as how I imagine a John and a call girl must make the deal, while trying not to kill the mood.

The closest we get to the possibility that I might actually be doing this for money is the topic of my baby-sitting experience, which I describe as a passionate hobby, much like raising Seeing Eye dogs for the blind. As the conversation progresses I become a child-development expert--convincing both of us of my desire to fulfill my very soul by raising a child and taking part in all stages of his/her development; a simple trip to the park or museum becoming a precious journey of the heart. I cite amusing anecdotes from past gigs, referring to the children by name--"I still marvel at the cognitive growth of Constance with each hour we spent together in the sandbox." I feel my eyes twinkle and imagine twirling my umbrella a la Mary Poppins. We both sit in silence for a moment picturing my studio apartment crowded with framed finger paintings and my doctorates from Stanford.

She stares at me expectantly, ready for me to bring it on home. "I love children! I love little hands and little shoes and peanut butter sandwiches and peanut butter in my hair and Elmo--I love Elmo and sand in my purse and the "Hokey Pokey"--can't get enough of it!--and soy milk and blankies and the endless barrage of questions no one knows the answers to, I mean why is the sky blue? And Disney! Disney is my second language!"

We can both hear "A Whole New World" slowly swelling in the background as I earnestly convey that it would be more than a privilege to take care of her child--it would be an adventure.

She is flushed, but still playing it close to the chest. Now she wants to know why, if I'm so fabulous, I would want to take care of her child. I mean, she gave birth to it and she doesn't want to do it, so why would I? Am I trying to pay off an abortion? Fund a leftist group? How did she get this lucky? She wants to know what I study, what I plan to do in the future, what I think of private schools in Manhattan, what my parents do. I answer with as much filigree and insouciance as I can muster, trying to slightly cock my head like Snow White listening to the animals. She, in turn, is aiming for more of a Diane-Sawyer-pose, looking for answers which will confirm that I am not there to steal her husband, jewelry, friends, or child. In that order.

Nanny Fact: in every one of my interviews, references are never checked. I am white. I speak French. My parents are college educated. I have no visible piercings and have been to Lincoln Center in the last two months. I'm hired.

Copyright 2002 by Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus

Product Details

ISBN:
9780312983079
Subtitle:
A Novel
Author:
Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus
Author:
McLaughlin, Emma
Author:
Kraus, Nicola
Publisher:
St. Martin's Paperbacks
Subject:
Humorous
Subject:
Manhattan (new york, n.y.)
Subject:
Nannies
Edition Description:
Mass Market Paperbound
Publication Date:
20051129
Binding:
Electronic book text in proprietary or open standard format
Grade Level:
General/trade
Language:
English
Pages:
384
Dimensions:
6.75 x 4.19 in

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Related Subjects

Arts and Entertainment » Humor » General
Fiction and Poetry » Literature » A to Z

The Nanny Diaries Used Mass Market
0 stars - 0 reviews
$4.95 In Stock
Product details 384 pages St. Martin's Press - English 9780312983079 Reviews:
"Review" by , "[D]iabolically funny....[The] heroine...is a vastly entertaining narrator and impromptu social critic....This book is saved from self-righteousness not only by the authors' cleverness but also by their compassion."
"Review" by , "[T]he details, devastating as they are, ring true, making this [book]...impossible to put down."
"Review" by , "First-novelists and former nannies McLaughlin and Kraus get the details right: in acid asides, they limn the decor, trendy therapies, and the pretensions of social-climbing Manhattanites....Sometimes farcical, largely sincere — and ultimately trivial."
"Review" by , "[T]he wicked fascination of this novel lies in all the wacky tidbits about life in the social stratosphere....[V]ery funny..."
"Review" by , "[S]harply observed and stylishly written."
"Review" by , "[T]he novel thoroughly skewers the privileged few, but beyond the satire, readers will care greatly for Nanny, poor Grayer, and even Mrs. X....Some minor characters need fleshing out and a subplot involving Nanny's romance with an Ivy League student is left dangling, but finally this is a fast-paced, witty, and thoroughly entertaining tale."
"Review" by , "[A]n amusingly cutthroat novel....Some of these episodes are hilarious....And some are horribly sad....Looking through Nan's eyes into the lives of Manhattan's rich is a lot of fun — she's biting."
"Review" by , "[A] tart, lively, and genuinely openhearted debut....The Nanny Diaries is a sharply barbed comedy of manners....McLaughlin and Kraus are largely sympathetic to the children (who can't, after all, be blamed for the sins of their clueless parents), but they spare little mercy for monster moms and dads like Mr. and Mrs. X....[D]espite the fact that McLaughlin and Kraus have both worked as nannies, it's clear that The Nanny Diaries is a work of fiction. The characters are too broad and exaggerated and wincingly funny to be 100 percent true to life."
"Synopsis" by ,
WANTED:

One young woman to take care of a four-year-old boy.

Must be bordering on masochistic.

Must relish sixteen-hour shifts with a nap-deprived pre-schooler.

Must love getting thrown up on, literally and figuratively, by everyone in his family

Mostly, must love being treated like fungus found growing out of employers Hermès bag.

Those who take it personally need not apply.

Who wouldn't want this job?

Nanny is a struggling grad student with no visible piercings. Mrs. X, of Park Avenue, doesn't work, clean, cook, or raise her own child. She makes appointments and lists. Nanny needs a job. Mrs. X needs someone accommodating. Nanny and Mrs. X need each other. In return, Nanny is subjected to erratic shifts, irregular paychecks, and the sullen moods of her four-year-old charge. Sentenced to every play date known to Central Park, and every gourmet-snack run she can handle, Nanny needs a diversion that an afternoon martini can't fulfill. Then she discovers a secret about Mr. X. Navigating a marriage on the rocks and the increasingly paranoid, impossibly demanding attitude of her employer, Nanny is redefining servitude. Because now, Nanny has something worth more than Mrs. X's ill-fitting Prada castoffs as a thankless bonus.

Nanny's acquiring the power of revenge...

"Synopsis" by ,
WANTED:

One young woman to take care of a four-year-old boy.

Must be bordering on masochistic.

Must relish sixteen-hour shifts with a nap-deprived pre-schooler.

Must love getting thrown up on, literally and figuratively, by everyone in his family

Mostly, must love being treated like fungus found growing out of employers Hermès bag.

Those who take it personally need not apply.

Who wouldnt want this job?

Nanny is a struggling grad student with no visible piercings. Mrs. X, of Park Avenue, doesnt work, clean, cook, or raise her own child. She makes appointments and lists. Nanny needs a job. Mrs. X needs someone accommodating. Nanny and Mrs. X need each other. In return, Nanny is subjected to erratic shifts, irregular paychecks, and the sullen moods of her four-year-old charge. Sentenced to every play date known to Central Park, and every gourmet-snack run she can handle, Nanny needs a diversion that an afternoon martini cant fulfill. Then she discovers a secret about Mr. X. Navigating a marriage on the rocks and the increasingly paranoid, impossibly demanding attitude of her employer, Nanny is redefining servitude. Because now, Nanny has something worth more than Mrs. Xs ill-fitting Prada castoffs as a thankless bonus.

Nannys acquiring the power of revenge…

“A national phenomenon.”

—Newsweek

“[Nanny is] Mary Poppins channeling Dorothy Parker.”—Time

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