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1 Local Warehouse Mystery- A to Z

This title in other editions

To the Nines

by

To the Nines Cover

ISBN13: 9780312991463
ISBN10: 0312991460
Condition: Standard
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Excerpt

CHAPTER 1, PART 1

My name is Stephanie Plum and I was born and raised in the Chambersburg section of Trenton where men pretty much only drop their drawers in private. Thank God for small favors because the top activities for men in the Burg are scarfing pastries and pork rinds and growing ass hair. The pastry and pork rind scarfing I've seen first hand. The ass hair growing is for the most part rumor.

The first butt I saw up close and personal belonged to Joe Morelli. Morelli put an end to my virgin status and showed me an ass that was masculine perfection ...smooth and muscular and blemish free. Back then Morelli thought a long term commitment was twenty minutes. I was one of thousands who got to admire Morelli's bare ass as he pulled his pants up and headed for the door.

Morelli's been in and out of my life since then. He's currently in and he's improved with age, butt included.

So the sight of a naked ass isn't exactly new to me, but the one I was presently watching took the cake. Punky Balog had an ass like Winnie the Pooh ...big and fat and furry. Sad to say, that was where the similarity ended because, unlike Pooh bear, there was nothing endearing or cuddly about Punky Balog.

I knew about Punky's ass because I was in my new sunshine yellow Ford Escape, sitting across from Punky's dilapidated row house, and Punky had his huge Pooh butt plastered against his second story window. My sometimes partner, Lula, was riding shotgun for me and Lula and I were staring up at the butt in open mouthed horror.

Punky slid his butt side to side on the pane and Lula and I gave a collective, upper lip curled back eeyeuuw!

"Think he knows we're out here," Lula said. "Think maybe he's trying to tell us something."

Lula and I work for my bail bonds agent cousin, Vincent Plum. Vinnie's office is on Hamilton Avenue, his front window looking into the Burg. He's not the world's best bonds agent. And he's not the worst. Truth is, he'd probably be a better bondsman if he wasn't saddled with Lula and me. I do fugitive apprehension for Vinnie and I have a lot more luck than skill. Lula mostly does filing. Lula hasn't got luck or skill. The thing Lula has going for her is the ability to tolerate Vinnie. Lula's a plus size black woman in a size seven white world and Lula's had a lot of practice at pulling attitude.

Punky turned and gave us a wave with his Johnson.

"That's just so sad," Lula said. "What do men think of? If you had a lumpy little wanger like that would you go waving it in public?"

Punky was dancing now, jumping around, wanger flopping, doodles bouncing.

"Holy crap," Lula said. "He's gonna rupture something."

"It's gotta be uncomfortable."

"I'm glad we forgot the binoculars. I wouldn't want to see this up close."

I didn't even want to see it from a distance.

"When I was a 'ho I used to keep myself from getting grossed out by pretending men's privates were Muppets," Lula said. "This guy looks like an anteater Muppet. See the little tuft of hair on the anteater head and then there's the thing the anteater snuffs up ants with... Except ol' Punky here's gotta get real close to the ants on account of his snuffer isn't real big. Punky's got a pinky."

Lula was a 'ho in a previous life. One night while plying her trade she had a near death experience and decided to change everything but her wardrobe. Not even a near death experience could get Lula out of spandex. She was currently wearing a skin tight hot pink mini-skirt and a tiger print top that made her boobs look like big round over-inflated balloons. It was early June and mid-morning and the Jersey air wasn't cooking yet, so Lula had a yellow angora sweater over the tiger top.

"Hold on," Lula said. "I think his snuffer is growing."

This produced another eeyeuuw from us.

"Maybe I should shoot him," Lula said.

"No shooting!" I felt the need to discourage Lula from hauling out her Glock, but truth was, it seemed like it'd be a public service to take a potshot at Punky.

"How bad do we want this guy?" Lula asked.

"If I don't bring him in, I don't get paid. If I don't get paid, I don't have rent money. If I don't have rent money, I get kicked out of my apartment and have to move in with my parents."

"So we want him real bad."

"Real bad."

"And he's wanted for what?"

"Grand theft auto."

"At least it's not armed robbery. I'm gonna be hoping the only weapon he's got, he's holding in his hand right now ...on account of this don't look like much of a threat to me."

"I guess we should go do it."

"I'm ready to rock and roll," Lula said. "I'm ready to kick some Punky butt. I'm ready to do the job."

I turned the key in the ignition. "I'm going to drop you at the corner so you can cut through the back and take the back door. Make sure you have your walkie talkie on so I can let you know when I'm coming in."

"Roger, that."

"And no shooting, no breaking doors down, no Dirty Harry imitations."

"You can count on me."

Three minutes later, Lula reported she was in place. I parked the Escape two houses down, walked to Punky's front door and rang the bell. No one responded so I rang a second time. I gave the door a solid rap with my fist and shouted bond enforcement. Open the door.

I heard shouting carrying over from the back yard, a door crashing open and slamming shut and then more muffled shouting. I called Lula on the talkie but got no response. A moment later the front door opened to the house next to me and Lula stomped out.

"Hey, so excuse me," she yelled at the woman behind her. "So I got the wrong door. It could happen, you know. We're under a lot of pressure when we're making these dangerous apprehensions."

Copyright © 2003 by Evanovich, Inc.

What Our Readers Are Saying

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Average customer rating based on 3 comments:

Erica Horne, April 16, 2009 (view all comments by Erica Horne)
TO THE NINES is another mystery adventure in the fast-paced life of Stephanie Plum, Bounty Hunter. In this story, Stephanie is living with the love of her life, Joe Morelli, but still flirting with the mysterious Ranger. Stephanie can't quite make the marriage commitment yet, but does not want to give up Morelli.
Stephanie and her co-workers, Lula and Connie take a trip to Las Vegas where they are seeking Samuel Singh, an Indian man who is in violation of his bond. They meet Elvis impersonators one evening and the next day Connie shows up with a picture of herself married to one, but she can't even remember the ceremony. Lula is on a protein diet and carries pork chops and bacon around in her purse. Dogs follow her everywhere. These Stephanie Plum stories are completely outrageous and funny.

The dark side of the book is the mystery man who sends Stephanie flowers as he constantly threatens to kill her. As usual, Stephanie's life is one wild and crazy ride.
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(2 of 3 readers found this comment helpful)
Chris Horne, March 9, 2009 (view all comments by Chris Horne)
Stephanie Plum is one of my heroes. She has such a cute way about her; loves her job, doesn't really care how she looks most of the time, has a personality and looks that attract the men, and is not wonder woman! Janet Evanovich, author of "To the Nines" has created characters that have me laughing and chuckling to myself. They are so real that I can see them in my mind. I have an image of Lula, the big size ex-ho, turned bonds-woman; Ranger, the ex-Special Forces turned bond enforcement; grandma, the woman who likes wigs and is as crazy as Stephanie-wonder whom Stephanie takes after; and Morelli, the cop, Stephanie's lover. Janet Evanovich has such a wonderful imagination- I want to meet that woman.

Stephanie is in trouble again. She is working with Ranger to find Samuel Singh, a missing computer nerd who is out on bail. Vinnie, Stephanie's boss will lose money if Mr. Singh is not found. Stephanie does all the right things, she looks in all the right places, asks all the right questions, and of course, she is a marked woman. Trouble seems to find her, she is left flowers with a devious message, shot at with a dart, email messages of a dark nature left on her computer. This mystery takes her to Las Vegas and has one of the funniest scenes with Lula I have read. Lula may just be taking some of the best scenes from Stephanie- Stephanie should talk to the author about what is going on:-)
Stephanie's family seems to take front page in this mystery. Her sister Valerie, is pregnant, large as a house and eating as much as she can. He boyfriend wants to marry her, but she isn't quite ready, and Valerie's two children are all living with Stephanie's mom and dad. No one is happy about this, and the house is getting too small, especially since Grand mom lives there also. What a mess.

This novel is one of the better ones. Many readers of Janet Evanovich, complain that her books tend to follow the same format-well, they do, but each one is different and so enjoyable. Ms. Evanovich lives near my hometown- I have to meet this woman who has brought me so much enjoyment, A mystery novel that brings humor to the forefront- what more could one ask? prisrob

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(1 of 2 readers found this comment helpful)
Cheryl Marseilles, August 23, 2006 (view all comments by Cheryl Marseilles)
This book gave me more laughs than I have had in a lifetime. Janet Evanovich is a great author who adds so much to her books.
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(7 of 13 readers found this comment helpful)
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Product Details

ISBN:
9780312991463
Author:
Evanovich, Janet
Publisher:
St. Martin's Press
Subject:
Mystery & Detective - Women Sleuths
Subject:
Women detectives
Subject:
Trenton (N.J.)
Subject:
Plum, stephanie (fictitious character)
Subject:
General
Subject:
Humorous
Subject:
Mystery-A to Z
Subject:
Romance/Romantic Comedy
Copyright:
Edition Description:
Mass market paperback
Series:
Stephanie Plum Novels
Series Volume:
No. 9
Publication Date:
20040631
Binding:
MASS MARKET
Grade Level:
General/trade
Language:
English
Pages:
352
Dimensions:
6.68 x 3.94 x 0.975 in

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Related Subjects


Featured Titles » General
Fiction and Poetry » Literature » A to Z
Fiction and Poetry » Mystery » A to Z

To the Nines Used Mass Market
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$1.50 In Stock
Product details 352 pages St. Martin's Press - English 9780312991463 Reviews:
"Publishers Weekly Review" by , "An awkward plot that takes Plum to Vegas is the weakest course in this meal. Yet...Stephanie Plum...just happens to have more laughs, more sizzling sexual tension, and more nonstop, zany adventure than anybody else around." Publishers Weekly
"Review" by , "The plot is — as usual — a shambles, but the people and their dialogue are as sharp and funny as ever. Though no high point in Stephanie's saga, this installment...won't disappoint her fans either."
"Review" by , "Evanovich, and Stephanie, are at the top of their form here: laugh-out loud moments jostle with sticky, visceral terror....Ever smarter, funnier, sexier, scarier."
"Synopsis" by ,
Janet Evanovich's Novels

Are The Hottest Bestsellers In America!

# 1 New York Times

# 1 Wall Street Journal

#1 Los Angeles Times

#1 Entertainment Weekly

#1 Publishers Weekly

Stephanie Plum's got rent to pay, people shooting at her, and psychos wanting her dead every day of the week (much to the dismay of her mother, her family, the men in her life, the guy who slices meat at the deli...oh, the list goes on). An ordinary person would cave under the pressure.

But hey, she's from Jersey.

Stephanie Plum may not be the best bounty hunter in beautiful downtown Trenton, but she's pretty darn good at turning bad situations her way...and she always gets her man. In

To The Nines, her cousin Vinnie (who's also her boss) has posted bail on Samuel Singh, an immigrant who becomes an illegal alien by violating his Visa and extending his stay in the United States. When the elusive Mr. Singh goes missing, Stephanie is on the case. But what she uncovers is far more sinister than anyone imagines and leads to a group of killers who give new meaning to the word "hunter..."

In a race against time that takes her from the Jersey Turnpike to the Vegas strip, Stephanie Plum is on the chase of her life.

"Evanovich's sharpest, funniest, sexiest entry in the series since the early days."

-People (Critics Choice)

"Synopsis" by ,
Stephanie Plum's got rent to pay, people shooting at her, and psychos wanting her dead every day of the week (much to the dismay of her mother, her family, the men in her life, the guy who slices meat at the deli...oh, the list goes on). An ordinary person would cave under the pressure.

But hey, she's from Jersey.

Stephanie Plum may not be the best bounty hunter in beautiful downtown Trenton, but she's pretty darn good at turning bad situations her way...and she always gets her man. In

To The Nines, her cousin Vinnie (who's also her boss) has posted bail on Samuel Singh, an immigrant who becomes an illegal alien by violating his Visa and extending his stay in the United States. When the elusive Mr. Singh goes missing, Stephanie is on the case. But what she uncovers is far more sinister than anyone imagines and leads to a group of killers who give new meaning to the word "hunter..."

In a race against time that takes her from the Jersey Turnpike to the Vegas strip, Stephanie Plum is on the chase of her life.

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