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Original Essays | September 30, 2014

Benjamin Parzybok: IMG A Brief History of Video Games Played by Mayors, Presidents, and Emperors



Brandon Bartlett, the fictional mayor of Portland in my novel Sherwood Nation, is addicted to playing video games. In a city he's all but lost... Continue »
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    Benjamin Parzybok 9781618730862

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5 Burnside Literature- A to Z

Soon I Will Be Invincible

by

Soon I Will Be Invincible Cover

ISBN13: 9780307279866
ISBN10: 0307279863
Condition: Standard
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Excerpt

CHAPTER ONE

FOILED AGAIN

This morning on planet Earth, there are one thousand, six hundred, and eighty-six enhanced, gifted, or otherwise-superpowered persons. Of these, one hundred and twenty-six are civilians leading normal lives. Thirty-eight are kept in research facilities funded by the Department of Defense, or foreign equivalents. Two hundred and twenty-six are aquatic, confined to the oceans. Twenty-nine are strictly localized—powerful trees and genii loci, the Great Sphinx, and the Pyramid of Giza. Twenty-five are microscopic (including the Infinitesimal Seven). Three are dogs; four are cats; one is a bird. Six are made of gas. One is a mobile electrical effect, more of a weather pattern than a person. Seventy-seven are alien visitors. Thirty-eight are missing. Forty-one are off-continuity, permanent émigrés to Earths alternate realities and branching timestreams.

Six hundred and seventy-eight use their powers to fight crime, while four hundred and forty-one use their powers to commit them. Forty-four are currently confined in Special Containment Facilities for enhanced criminals. Of these last, it is interesting to note that an unusually high proportion have IQs of 300 or more—eighteen to be exact. Including me.

I dont know why it makes you evil. Its just what you find at the extreme right edge of the bell curve, the one youd get if six billion minds took an intelligence test and you looked at the dozen highest scores. Picture yourself on that graph, sliding rightward and downslope toward the very brightest, down that gradually gentler hill, out over the top million, the top ten thousand—all far smarter than anyone most people ever meet—out to the top thousand—and now things are getting sparser—the last hundred, and its not a slope at all now, just a dot every once in a while. Go out to the last few grains of sand, the smartest of the smartest of the smartest, times a thousand. It makes sense that people would be a little odd out here. But you really have to wonder why we all end up in jail.

Wake-up for me is at 6:30 a.m., half an hour earlier than the rest of the inmates. Theres no furniture in my cell—Im stretched out on the painted green rectangle where Im allowed to sleep. The way my skin is, I hardly feel it anyway. The facility is rated for enhanced offenders, but Im the only one currently in residence. I am their showpiece, the pride of the system, and a regular feature on the governors tours for visiting dignitaries. They come and watch the performance, to see the tiger in his cage, and I dont disappoint.

The guard raps on the plexiglas wall with his nightstick, so I get up slowly and move to the red painted circle, where they run a scan, X ray, radiation, and the rest. Then they let me put on clothes. I get eight minutes while they check the route. You can do a lot of thinking in eight minutes. I think about what Ill do when I get out of here. I think about the past.

If I had writing materials, I might write a guidebook, a source of advice and inspiration for the next generation of masked criminals, bent prodigies, and lonely geniuses, the ones whove been taught to feel different, or the ones who knew it from the start. The ones who are smart enough to do something about it. There are things they should hear. Somebody has to tell them.

Im not a criminal. I didnt steal a car. I didnt sell heroin, or steal an old ladys purse. I built a quantum fusion reactor in 1978, and an orbital plasma gun in 1979, and a giant laser-eyed robot in 1984. I tried to conquer the world and almost succeeded, twelve times and counting.

When they take me away, it goes to the World Court—technically Im a sovereign power. Youve seen these trials—the Elemental, Rocking Horse, Dr. Stonehenge. They put you in a glass and steel box. Im still dangerous, you know, even without my devices. People stare at you; they cant believe what you look like. They read out the long list of charges, like a tribute. There isnt really a trial—its not like youre innocent. But if youre polite, then at the end theyll let you say a few words.

Theyll ask questions. Theyll want to know why. “Why did you . . . hypnotize the president?” “Why did you . . . take over Chemical Bank?”

Im the smartest man in the world. Once I wore a cape in public, and fought battles against men who could fly, who had metal skin, who could kill you with their eyes. I fought CoreFire to a standstill, and the Super Squadron, and the Champions. Now I have to shuffle through a cafeteria line with men who tried to pass bad checks. Now I have to wonder if there will be chocolate milk in the dispenser. And whether the smartest man in the world has done the smartest thing he could with his life.

I stand by the door in a ring of armed men while my cell is checked by three specialists with a caseful of instruments. From the tiers come yells, shouts of encouragement, or catcalls. They want to see a show. Then I march, past their eyes, followed by two men in partial armor with bulky high-tech sidearms. They have to wait until I pass before their morning lineup.

Theres a lot of prison talk about my powers. Inmates believe my eyes can emit laser beams, that my touch is electrical or poisonous, that I come and go as I please through the walls, that I hear everything. People blame things on me—stolen silverware and doors left unlocked. There is even, I note with pride, a gang named after me now: the Impossibles. Mostly white-collar criminals.

Im allowed to mingle with the general population at mealtimes and in the recreation yard, but I always have a table to myself. Ive fooled them too many times by speed or misdirection. By now they know to serve my food in paper dishes, and when I turn in my tray they count the plastic utensils, twice. One guard watches my hands as I eat; another checks under the table. After I sit down, they make me roll up my sleeves and show my hands, both sides, like a magician.

Look at my hands. The skins a little cool—about 96.1 degrees, if youre curious—and a little rigid: a shirt with extra starch. That skin can stop a bullet; it stopped five of them in my latest arrest as I ran up Seventh Avenue in my cape and helmet, sweating through the heavy cloth. The bruises are still there, not quite faded.

I have a few other tricks. Im strong, much stronger than should be possible for a mammal my size. Given time and inclination, I could overturn a semi, or rip an ATM out of a wall. Im not a city-wrecker, not on my own. When Lily and I worked together, she handled that part of it. Im mostly about the science. Thats my main claim to life in the Special Containment Wing, where everything down to the showerheads is either titanium or set two inches deep in reinforced concrete. Im also faster than I should be—something in the nerve pathways changed in the accident.

Every once in a while a new prisoner comes after me, hoping to make his reputation by breaking a prison-made knife against my ribs, a stolen pencil, or a metal spoon folded over and sharpened. It happens at mealtimes, or in the exercise yard. There is a premonitory hush as soon as he steps into the magic circle, the empty space that moves with me. The guards never step in—maybe its policy, to alienate me from the prison population, or maybe they just enjoy seeing me pull the trick, proof again that theyre guarding the fourth-most-infamous man alive. I straighten a little in the metal chair, set my single plastic spoon down on the folding table.

After the whip crack of the punch, there is silence, ringout, the sighing collapse. The heap of laundry is carried away and Ill be left alone again until the next tattooed hopeful makes his play. Inside, I want to keep going, keep fighting until the bullets knock me down, but I never do. Im smarter than that. There are stupid criminals and there are smart criminals, and then there is me.

This is so you know. I havent lost any of what I am, my intrinsic menace, just because they took away my devices, my tricks, and my utility belt. Im still the brilliant, the appalling, the diabolical Doctor Impossible, damn it. And yes, I am invincible.

All superheroes have an origin. They make a big deal of it, the story of how they got their powers and their mission. Bitten by a radioactive bug, they fight crime; visited by wandering cosmic gods, they search for the lost tablets of so-and-so, and avenge their dead families. And villains? We come on the scene, costumed and leering, colorfully working out our inexplicable grudge against the world with an oversized zap gun or cosmic wormhole. But why do we rob banks rather than guard them? Why did I freeze the Supreme Court, impersonate the Pope, hold the Moon hostage?

I happen to know theyve got practically nothing in my file. A few old aliases, newspaper clippings, testimony from a couple of old enemies. The original accident report, maybe. The flash was visible for miles. Thats what people talk about when they talk about who I am, a nerd with an attitude and subpar lab skills. But there was another accident, one that nobody saw, a slow disaster that started the morning I arrived there. Nowadays it has a name, Malign Hypercognition Disorder. Theyre trying to learn about it from me, trying to figure out whose eyes are going to be looking out at them from behind a mask in thirty years.

I have a therapist here, “Steve,” a sad-eyed Rogerian Im taken to see twice a week in a disused classroom. “Do you feel angry?” “What did you really want to steal?” The things I could tell him—secrets of the universe! But he wants to know about my childhood. I try to relax and remind myself of my situation—if I kill him, theyll just send another.

It could be worse—there are stories villains tell one another about the secret facilities out in the Nevada desert, the maximum-intensity enhanced containment facilities, for the ones they catch but are truly afraid of, the ones they cant kill and can only barely control. Fifty-meter shafts filled with concrete, frozen cells held to near absolute zero. Being here means playing a delicate game—Im in the lions jaws. I mustnt scare them too badly. But Steve has his questions. “Who was the first one to hit you?” “When did you leave home?” “Why did you want to control the world? Do you feel out of control?” The past creeps in, perils of an eidetic memory.

Its a danger in my line of work to tell too much; I know that now. And last time I told them everything, giving it all away like a fool, how I was going to do it, how escape was impossible. And they just listened, smirking. And it would have worked, too. The calculations were correct.

By the time the bus came that morning it was raining pretty hard, and the world was a grayed-out sketch of itself, the bus a dim hulk as it approached, the only thing moving. Inside the bus shelter, the rain drummed hollowly on the plastic ceiling, and my glasses were fogging up. It was 6:20 a.m., and my parents and I were standing, stunned and half-awake, in the parking lot of a Howard Johnsons in Iowa.

I knew that it was a special morning and that I should be feeling something, that this was one of the Big Events in a persons life, like marriage or a bar mitzvah, but I had never had a Big Event and I didnt know what it was supposed to be like. An hour earlier,  my alarm had gone off; my mother stuffed me into a scratchy sweater that was starting to itch in the late September warmth. We trooped out to the car and drove through the gray, silent town, the deserted city center, and turned into the lot by the mighty I-80. When my mother cut the engine, there were a few seconds of silence as we listened to the rain rapping on the ceiling. Then my father said, “Well wait with you at the bus stop.” So we dashed across the steaming asphalt to the plexiglas shelter. The rain sizzled down and cars and trucks swooshed by, and we stood there. Maybe someone said something.

I was thinking about how that fall everything would start without me at Lincoln Middle School. In a few days, everyone I knew would be meeting their new teachers, and the accelerated math class would be starting geometry, doing proofs. In June, we had gotten a letter from the Iowa Department of Education, offering to send me to a new school they were starting called the Peterson School of Math and Science. The year before, they gave a standardized test during homeroom, and everyone who scored in the top half a percentile got a letter. They gave me a talk about whether I would miss my friends or Mr. Reynolds, my math teacher.

I told them I would go. I didnt think about how weird it was going to be, waiting for a bus with my clothes in bags. The kids at school would remember me as the kid who never talked, who drew weird pictures and always wore the same clothes, and cried when he dropped his lunch, who was supposed to be really good at math. . . . Whatever happened to him? Where did he disappear to?

The bus pulled in; a man got out and checked the fistful of signed forms I held out to him, then threw my bags into the compartment that opened in the metal side. My parents hugged me, and I climbed the steps into a warm darkness that smelled of strangers breath. I walked unsteadily into the dimly fluorescent-lit space, glimpsing faces passing in rows, until I found a pair of empty seats just as the bus roared and pulled out of the parking lot. I remembered to look for a last glimpse of my parents watching me leave, then we surged up the on-ramp and into through traffic. Suddenly I hated the sopping morning and the impersonal helpfulness of my parents, always a little held back, as if they were afraid to know me; and I was glad to be gone, glad to have no part of them, to be where no one knew me, away from the quiet of their house, their self-restraint. I had a dim inner vision of myself rising up in flame.

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lukas, December 19, 2013 (view all comments by lukas)
For those of us who grew up reading comic books, enjoying sci-fi and other geek pursuits, it's been bittersweet to formerly lonely adolescent boy pursuits become mainstream. Austin Grossman's debut novel is about super heroes and super villains, particularly evil genius Dr. Impossible. Initially, I thought this book would be obnoxious and pleased with itself, like "Ready Player One" and "How To Live Safely in a SF Universe." But it's quite clever and enjoyable, recalling "The Incredibles" (but more grown up) and "Watchmen" (but funnier).
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Norman M. Brenner, January 30, 2013 (view all comments by Norman M. Brenner)
A hilarious pastiche of superhero/supervillain adventures. The story is narrated mainly by Dr. Impossible, a reluctant supervillain with issues. The same accident which granted him evil powers also created the world's leading superhero, and he has labored under the latter's shadow ever since. So what if he is currently in prison for life, and his island fortress is sinking into decay under a canopy of jungle lianas? He'll be out before you can say "Shazam!", get it up and running again, and blackmail the whole world to his will (again). Or will he?
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Amy Bruno, January 1, 2013 (view all comments by Amy Bruno)
This book is exactly what I wanted. A proper anti-hero that I could really sink my teeth into. Dr. Horrible's singalong blog in story form for the true comic book geek.
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Product Details

ISBN:
9780307279866
Author:
Grossman, Austin
Publisher:
Vintage Books USA
Subject:
Science Fiction - Adventure
Subject:
Action & Adventure
Subject:
Adventure
Subject:
Literary
Subject:
Science Fiction and Fantasy-Adventure
Subject:
fiction;superheroes;fantasy;science fiction;superhero;humor;novel;comics;sf;supervillains;comic books;cyborgs;evil genius;satire;urban fantasy;adventure;sff;comedy;villains;speculative fiction;heroes;supervillians
Copyright:
Edition Description:
Trade paper
Series:
Vintage
Publication Date:
June 2008
Binding:
TRADE PAPER
Grade Level:
General/trade
Language:
English
Pages:
336
Dimensions:
8 x 5.2 x 0.7 in 0.575 lb

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Soon I Will Be Invincible Used Trade Paper
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Product details 336 pages Vintage Books USA - English 9780307279866 Reviews:
"Publishers Weekly Review" by , "The realm of comic book heroes and villains gets a dose of realism in this whimsical debut from game design consultant Grossman. The story shifts between the perspectives of Doctor Impossible, a brilliant scientist turned world's greatest menace, and Fatale, a lonely cyborg and the newest addition to the venerable group of heroes known as the Champions. Though he's been out of commission for a while, Doctor Impossible hatches a scheme to knock the planet out of orbit ('As the Earth grows colder, my power becomes apparent, and the nations submit,' he reasons). Meanwhile, Champions leader Corefire goes missing, and Fatale has to learn the ropes of superherodom as the conventional climactic showdown (at Doctor Impossible's secret lair) draws near. However fantastical, the characters (including a 'genetic metahuman' and 'an elite fairy guard') are thoughtfully portrayed, with Fatale — stuck in a perpetual existential crisis — bemused over the Champions' purpose, and Doctor Impossible wondering 'whether the smartest man in the world has done the smartest thing he could with his life.' Grossman dabbles in a host of themes — power, greed, fame, the pitfalls of ego — in this engrossing page-turner, broadening the appeal of an already inviting scenario. (June)" Publishers Weekly (Copyright Reed Business Information, Inc.)
"Review" by , "This witty debut novel is sure to please fans of Lethem and Chabon and remind you that smart prose can be as vivid as any graphic concoction."
"Review" by , "It's a hoot....A delirious, often hilarious story that both satirizes and pays homage to superhero story cliches."
"Review" by , "[Grossman] fully embraces his inner geek; he gives us heroes and villains with a consciously sardonic eye."
"Review" by , "Soon I Will Be Invincible doesn't so much play with the clichés of superhero comics as bathe in their pulpy froth."
"Review" by , "Every comic-book cliche in this witty, stunning debut is lovingly embraced, then turned inside out."
"Review" by , "Soon I Will Be Invincible succeeds for the same reason NBC has racked up ratings for Heroes and comic books have such devoted followings. The characters may be superheroes, but the stories showcase their humanity."
"Review" by , "Grossman's book is frothy fun with an undercurrent of sadness and a surprisingly human universality."
"Review" by , "[A] full-on spoof that conjures a pantheon of cyborgs, aliens, fairies, magicians and zeta-beam-obsessed scientists."
"Review" by , "[A] fresh, warm take on comic books, science fiction and pop culture."
"Synopsis" by , Doctor Impossible — evil genius, diabolical scientist, wannabe world dominator — languishes in a federal detention facility. Fatale is a rookie superhero on her first day with the Champions, the famous super-team who must act together in the face of unthinkable evil.
"Synopsis" by , Doctor Impossible—evil genius, would-be world conqueror—languishes in prison. Shuffling through the cafeteria line with ordinary criminals, he wonders if the smartest man in the world has done the smartest thing he could with his life. After all, he's lost every battle he's ever fought. But this prison won't hold him forever.

Fatale—half woman, half high-tech warrior—used to be an unemployed cyborg. Now, she's a rookie member of the world's most famous super-team, the Champions. But being a superhero is not all flying cars and planets in peril—she learns that in the locker rooms and dive bars of superherodom, the men and women (even mutants) behind the masks are as human as anyone.

Soon I Will Be Invincible is a wildly entertaining first novel, brimming with attitude and humor—an emotionally resonant look at good and evil, love and loss, power and glory.

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