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1 Hawthorne Child Care and Parenting- Infancy and Toddlerhood

Secrets of the Baby Whisperer

by

Secrets of the Baby Whisperer Cover

 

 

Excerpt

Loving the Baby You Gave Birth To

I just can't get over how much babies cry. I really had

no idea what I was

getting into. To tell you the truth, I thought it would be

more like

getting a cat.

--Anne Lamott in

Operating Instructions

Oh My God, We Have a Baby!

No event in an adult's life equals both the joy and the terror of becoming

a parent for the first time. Fortunately, it's the joy that carries on.

But in the beginning, insecurity and fear often take over. Alan, for

example, a thirty-three-year-old graphic designer, vividly remembers the

day he picked up his wife, Susan, from the hospital. Coincidentally, it

was their fourth anniversary. Susan, a writer, age twenty-seven, had had a

fairly easy labor and birth, and their beautiful blue-eyed baby, Aaron,

nursed easily and rarely cried. By day two, Mum and Dad were eager to

leave the hubbub of the hospital to start life as a family.

"I whistled as I walked down the hall toward her room," Alan recalls.

"Everything seemed perfect. Aaron had nursed right before I got there,

and

now he was sleeping in Susan's arms. It was just as I imagined it would

be. We went down in the elevator, and the nurse let me wheel Susan out

into the sunlight. When I ran for the car door, I realized I'd forgotten

to set up the infant seat. I swear it took me half an hour to get it in

right. Finally, I gently slid Aaron in. He was such an angel. I helped

Susan into the car, thanked the nurse for her patience, and then climbed

into the driver's seat.

"Suddenly, Aaron started making little noises from the backseat--not

really

crying, but sounds I didn't recall hearing in the hospital or maybe hadn't

noticed. Susan looked at me, and I looked at her. 'Oh, Jesus!' I

exclaimed. 'What do we do now?' "

Every parent I know has a what-now moment like Alan's. For some it comes

in the hospital; for others it arrives on the trip home, or even on the

second or third day. There's so much going on--the physical recovery, the

emotional impact, the reality of caring for a helpless infant. Few are

prepared for the shock. Some new mothers admit, "I read all the books,

but

nothing prepared me." Others recall, "There was so much to think about. I

cried a lot."

The first three to five days are often the most difficult because

everything is new and daunting. Typically, I'm bombarded by queries from

anxious parents: "How long should a feeding take?" "Why does she pull her

legs up like that?" "Is this the right way to change him?" "Why is her

poop that color?" And, of course, the most persistent question of all

time: "Why is he crying?" Parents, particularly mums, often feel guilty

because they think they're supposed to know everything. The mother of a

one-month-old said to me, "I was so afraid I'd do something wrong, but at

the same time, I didn't want anyone to help me or tell me what to do."

The first thing I tell parents--and keep telling them--is to slooooooow

down. It takes time to get to know your baby. It takes patience and a calm

environment. It takes strength and stamina. It takes respect and kindness.

It takes responsibility and discipline. It takes attention and keen

observation. It takes time and practice--a lot of doing it wrong before you

get it right. And it takes listening to your own intuition.

Notice how often I repeat "it takes." In the beginning, there's a lot of

"take" and very little "give" on your baby's part. The rewards and joys of

parenting will be endless, I promise. But they won't happen in a day,

darlings; rather, you'll see them over months and years. What's more,

everyone's experience is different. As a mother in one of my groups,

looking back on her first few days home, observed, "I didn't know if I was

doing things right--and, besides, everyone defines 'right' differently."

Also, every baby is different, which is why I tell my mums that their

first job is to understand the baby they have, not the one they dreamed

about during the past nine months. In this chapter, I'll help you figure

out what you can expect from your baby. But first, a quick primer on your

first few days at home.

Coming Home

Because I see myself as an advocate for the whole family, not just the

new

baby, part of my job is to help parents gain perspective. I tell mums and

dads right from the start: This won't last forever. You will calm down.

You will become more confident. You will be the best parent you can be.

And at some point, believe it or not, your baby will sleep through the

night. For now, though, you must lower your expectations. You'll have good

days and not-so-good days; be prepared for both. Don't strive for

perfection.

Homecoming Checklist

One of the reasons my babies do well is that everything is ready for them

a month before the due date. The more prepared you are and the quieter

it

is in the beginning, the more time you'll have to observe your baby and to

get to know him as the individual he is.

* Put sheets on the crib or bassinet.

* Set up the changing table. Have everything you need--wipes, diapers,

cotton swabs, alcohol--in easy reach.

* Have baby's first wardrobe ready. Take everything out of the packages,

remove any tags, and wash in a mild detergent that has no bleach.

* Stock your refrigerator and freezer. A week or two before you're due,

make a lasagna, a shepherd's pie, soups, and other dishes that freeze

well. Make sure you have all the staples on hand--milk, butter, eggs,

cereal, pet food. You'll eat better and cheaper and avoid frantic trips to

the store.

* Don't take too much to the hospital. Remember, you'll have several extra

bags--and the baby--to bring home.

TIP: The more organized you are before you come home, the happier

everyone

will be afterward. And if you loosen the tops of bottles and tubes, open

boxes, and take all new items out of their packages, you won't have to

fiddle with such things with your new baby in hand! (See "Homecoming

Checklist" at left.)

I usually need to remind mothers, "It's your first day home--the first

you're away from the security of the hospital, where you get help,

answers, and relief at the push of a button. Now you're on your own."

Of course, a mother is often happy to leave the hospital. The nurses may

have been brusque or given her conflicting advice. And the frequent

interruptions from hospital personnel and visitors probably made it

impossible for her to rest. In any case, by the time most mums come

home, they are usually either scared, confused, exhausted, or in

pain--or maybe all of the above.

Therefore I advise a slow reentry. When you walk through the door, take a

deep, centering breath. Keep it simple. (You'll be hearing that a lot from

me.) Think of this as the beginning of a new adventure, and you and your

partner as explorers. And by all means, be realistic: The postpartum

period is difficult--a rocky terrain. All but a rare few stumble along the

way. (More about Mum recuperating during the postpartum period in

Chapter

7.)

Believe me, I know that the moment you get home, you'll probably feel

overwhelmed. But if you follow my simple homecoming ritual, you're less

likely to feel frantic. (Remember, though, this is just a quick

orientation. Later on, as indicated, I go into greater detail.)

Start the dialogue by giving your baby a tour of the house. That's right,

luv, a tour, as if you're the curator of a museum and she's a

distinguished visitor. Remember what I told you about respect: You need to

treat your little darling like a human being, as someone who can

understand and feel. Granted, she speaks a language you may not yet

understand, but it's nevertheless important to call her by name and to

make every interaction a dialogue, not a lecture.

So walk around with her in your arms and show her where she's going to

live. Talk with her. In a soft, gentle voice, explain each room: "Here's

the kitchen. It's where Dad and I cook. This is the bathroom, where we

take showers." And so on. You might feel silly. Many new parents are shy

when they first start to have a dialogue with their baby. That's okay.

Practice, and you'll be amazed at how easy it becomes. Just try to

remember that this is a little human being in your arms, a person whose

senses are alive, a tiny being who already knows your voice and even what

you smell like.

While you're walking around, have Dad or Grandma make chamomile tea or

another calming beverage. Tea, naturally, is my favorite. Where I come

from, the moment a mum gets home, Nelly from next door nips over and

puts

on a kettle. It's a very English, very civilized tradition, which I've

introduced to all my families here. After a nice cuppa, as we call it,

you'll want to really explore this glorious creature you've given birth to.

Limit Visitors

Convince all but a few very close relatives and friends to stay away for

the first few days. If parents are in from out of town, the greatest thing

they can do for you is cook, clean, and run errands. Let them know in a

kind way that you'll ask for their help with the baby if you need it, but

that you'd like to use this time to get to know your little one on your

own.

Give your baby a sponge bath and a feed. (Information and advice about

feeding is in Chapter 4, sponge bathing on pages 156-157.) Keep in mind

that you're not the only one in shock. Your baby has had quite a journey

himself. Imagine, if you will, a tiny human being coming into the bright

light of a delivery room. Suddenly, with great speed and force, that

little body is rubbed, poked, and pricked by strangers whose voices are

unfamiliar. After a few days in a nursery, surrounded by other tiny

beings, he then has to travel from the hospital to home. If you adopted

him, the trip was probably even longer.

TIP: Hospital nurseries are kept quite warm, almost womblike, so make

sure

the temperature in the baby's new "woom" is around 72 degrees.

This is a perfect opportunity for you to pore over your miracle of nature.

It may be the first time you see your baby naked. Get acquainted with his

bits and pieces. Explore each tiny finger and toe. Keep talking with him.

Bond with him. Nurse him or give him a bottle. Watch him as he gets

sleepy. Start him off right, and allow him to fall asleep in his own crib

or bassinet. (I have lots of sleeping tips in Chapter 6.)

"But her eyes are open," protested Gail, a hairdresser whose two-day-old

daughter seemed to be staring contentedly at a photo of a baby propped

up

on the crib bumpers. I had suggested that Gail leave the room and get

some

rest herself, but Gail said, "She's not asleep yet." I've heard the same

protest from many new mums. But I'm going to tell you straightaway that

your baby doesn't have to be asleep for you to put her down and walk away

from the crib. "Look," I said to her, "Lily's hanging out with her

boyfriend. Now you go lie down."

Take Small Bites

You've got a lot on your plate; don't heap on any additional pressures.

Rather than being angry at yourself because you haven't gotten the

announcements addressed or sent thank-you notes, give yourself a

manageable daily goal--say, five instead of forty a day. Prioritize your

tasks by creating piles marked "urgent," "do later," and "can wait till I

feel better." If you're calm and honest when you assess each chore, you'll

be surprised at how much goes in that last pile.

Take a nap. Don't unpack the bags, don't make phone calls, and don't look

around the house and think of all the things you've got to get done.

You're exhausted. When the baby sleeps, luv, take advantage of it. In

fact, you've got one of the great miracles of nature on your side. Babies

take a few days to recuperate from the shock of birth. It's not unusual

for a one- or two-day-old newborn to sleep for six hours at a stretch,

which gives you a little time to recuperate from your own trauma. Beware,

though: If your baby seems good as gold, this may be the calm before the

storm! He may have absorbed drugs from your system or at the very least

is

probably tired from squeezing his way through the birth canal, even if you

had natural childbirth. He's not quite himself yet, but, as you will read

in the pages that follow, his real temperament will soon emerge.

COPYRIGHT

Product Details

ISBN:
9780345440907
With:
Blau, Melinda
Author:
Blau, Melinda
Author:
Hogg, Tracy
Author:
Tracy Hogg and Melinda Blau
Publisher:
Ballantine Books
Location:
New York
Subject:
Parenting
Subject:
Infants
Subject:
Child rearing
Subject:
Infants & Toddlers - Infants
Subject:
Parent and infant
Subject:
Parenting - General
Subject:
Life Stages - Infants & Toddlers/Infants
Subject:
Child Care and Parenting-Infancy and Toddlerhood
Subject:
Child Care and Parenting-General
Copyright:
Edition Number:
1st trade ed.
Edition Description:
Trade paper
Series Volume:
107-8
Publication Date:
20020131
Binding:
TRADE PAPER
Grade Level:
General/trade
Language:
English
Illustrations:
Yes
Pages:
304
Dimensions:
8.36x5.56x.68 in. .55 lbs.

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Health and Self-Help » Child Care and Parenting » General
Health and Self-Help » Child Care and Parenting » Infancy and Toddlerhood

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"Synopsis" by , Exploring many of the themes contained in Dostoevsky's novels, this unique collection of short masterpieces illuminates the author's astonishing depth and current relevance.
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