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1 Airport Self Help- General
7 Local Warehouse PSYCH- MALE PSYCH

I Dont Want to Talk about It


I Dont Want to Talk about It Cover




From Chapter One: Men's Hidden Depression

When I stand beside troubled fathers and sons I am often flooded with a sense of recognition, All men are sons and, whether they know it or not, most sons are loyal. To me, my father presented a confusing jumble of brutality and pathos. As a boy, I drank into my character a dark, jagged, emptiness that haunted me for close to thirty years. As other fathers have done to their sons, my father-through the look in his eyes, the tone of his voice, the quality Of his touch-passed the depression he did not know he had on to me, just as surely as his father had passed it on to him — a chain of pain, linking parent to child across generations, a toxic legacy.

In hindsight, it is clear to me that, among other reasons, I became a therapist so I could cultivate the skills I needed to heal my own father — to heal him at least sufficiently to get him to talk to me. I needed to know about his life to help understand his brutality and lay my hatred of him to rest. At first I did this unconsciously, not out of any great love for him, but out of an instinct to save myself. I wanted the legacy to stop.

One might think that I would have brought to my work a particular sensitivity to issues of depression in men, but at first I did not. Despite my hard-won personal knowledge, years passed before I found the courage to invite my patients to embark upon the same journey I had taken. I was not prepared, by training or experience, to reach so deep into a man's inner pain — to hold and confront him there. Faced with men's hidden fragility, I had been tacitly schooled, like most therapists-indeed, like most people in our culture — to protect them. I had also been taught that depression was predominantly a woman's disease, that the rate of depression was somewhere between two to four times higher for women than it was for men. When I first began my clinical practice, I had faith in the simplicity of such figures, but twenty years of work with men and their families has lead me to believe that the real story concerning this disorder is far more complex.

There is a terrible collusion in our society, a cultural cover-up about depression in men.

One of the ironies about men's depression is that the very forces that help create it keep us from seeing it. Men are not supposed to be vulnerable. Pain is something we are to rise above. He who has been brought down by it will most likely see himself as shameful, and so, too, may his family and friends, even the mental health profession. Yet I believe it is this secret pain that lies at the heart of many of the difficulties in men's lives. Hidden depression drives several of the problems we think of as typically male: physical illness, alcohol and drug abuse, domestic violence, failures in intimacy, self-sabotage in careers.

We tend not to recognize depression in men because the disorder itself is seen as unmanly. Depression carries, to many, a double stain — the stigma of mental illness and also the stigma of "feminine" emotionality. Those in a relationship with a depressed man are themselves often faced with a painful dilemma. They can either confront his condition — which may further shame him — or else collude with him in minimizing it, a course that offers no hope for relief. Depression in men — a condition experienced as both shamefilled and shameful — goes largely unacknowledged and unrecognized both by the men who suffer and by those who surround them. And yet, the Impact of this hidden condition is enormous.

Copyright © 1997 by Terry Real

Product Details

Real, Terrence
Scribner Book Company
New York, NY :
United states
Mental Illness
Men's studies
Depression, mental
Men's Studies - General
General Self-Help
Mental health
Men -- Mental health.
SELF-HELP / Depression
i don t want to talk about it; terrence real; stigma of depression; depression; alcoholism; fear of intimacy; workaholism; abuse; manhood; masculinity; psychology; Harvard University; male depression; male rage; gender research; John Gray; Carol Gilligan;
i don t want to talk about it; terrence real; stigma of depression; depression; alcoholism; fear of intimacy; workaholism; abuse; manhood; masculinity; psychology; Harvard University; male depression; male rage; gender research; John Gray; Carol Gilligan;
Edition Number:
1st Fireside ed.
Edition Description:
Publication Date:
January 1998
Grade Level:
8.44 x 5.5 in 11.34 oz

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Related Subjects

Health and Self-Help » Child Care and Parenting » General
Health and Self-Help » Psychology » General
Health and Self-Help » Psychology » Mens Studies
Health and Self-Help » Psychology » Mood Disorders and Depression
Health and Self-Help » Psychology » Schizophrenia and Psychotic Disorders
Health and Self-Help » Self-Help » Depression
Health and Self-Help » Self-Help » General
Health and Self-Help » Self-Help » Male Specific
History and Social Science » Gender Studies » General
History and Social Science » Gender Studies » Mens Studies
History and Social Science » Sociology » General

I Dont Want to Talk about It Used Trade Paper
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Product details 384 pages Scribner Book Company - English 9780684835396 Reviews:
"Synopsis" by , A national bestseller, this groundbreaking examination of male depression has been hailed by Robert Bly as a book that "moves on to new ground in language and in story . . . exhilarating in its honesty and its grief."
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