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I Was Told There'd Be Cake


I Was Told There'd Be Cake Cover

ISBN13: 9781594483066
ISBN10: 159448306x
Condition: Standard
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Welcome to Holiday Central! The candles are lit, the Christmas carols cranked, and the buffet is laden with each of my best dishes—pasta with Bolognese sauce, of course, short-rib ragout, Italian brisket with rosemary horseradish, both Caprese and kale salads, the kind of antipasto platter that would bring Mr. Frank Sinatra himself to his knees, a traditional three-meat lasagna, and a roasted-red-pepper version, because my friend Julia “doesnt like cow.”

The desserts Im serving require their own separate table, stacked high with apple pies from the elegant Farmer and Blue owl (an Oprahs “favorite thing”), Kahlúa cake, and ten varieties of homemade Christmas cookies.

The wines flowing, the guests are mingling, and all the dogs are dancing around in their festive jingle-bell collars wearing perma-grins because aint no table scrap like a party table scrap cause a party table scrap dont stop.

(Ten points for you if you caught The Office reference.)

The house itself couldnt be more festive. Each mantel is decked with piles of greenery and lights, and the tree is so big and lush, it takes up a quarter of the living room. Outside is a veritable winter wonderland, with enough LED strings to almost, but not quite, cross the border into Christmas Vacation territory. Im overcome by the miasma of Fraser fir, San Marzano tomatoes, and the spicy cinnamon tang of the rose hips in all the potpourri bowls.

In the dining room, a couple of guests are laughing so hard that the walls practically shake.

This is the perfect holiday dinner party.

And yet all I can think is, GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.

Lets take a step back—we have wonderful friends and we love entertaining. We bought this house (gun cabinet notwithstanding) because we knew it would be the ideal place for gatherings both great and small. When we left the city, we moved away from ninety-five percent of our social circle, so every time our peeps actually RSVP yes, were thrilled to have the opportunity to host them. Plus, tonights extraspecial, because our buddies Beef-free Julia and Finch are up from Atlanta.

The problem definitely isnt the guest list.

The problem is that my ambitions are greater than my abilities, so in order to get this shindig together, I put in three eighteen-hour days in a row and now Im freaking exhausted. As I watch dirty plates stack up and wineglasses multiply, I just feel weary. I dont have the energy for this, and thats so not like me.

You see, this has been a rough year. Not in a huge, job-loss, death-in-the-family kind of way. More like in a poor-little-you, Eat, Pray, Love fashion, except with a solid marriage and no road trips.

Starting in January, things systematically began to go wrong in a plethora of small, exasperating instances. Death by a thousand cuts.

I experienced professional setbacks and the consequences of business missteps, then a series of minor yet incredibly stupid and slightly debilitating health-related issues. (Did you know your ears are full of tiny crystals and when they slide out of place, they will mess you up? Believe it.)

over the course of this frustrating year, checks didnt arrive when they were supposed to, deals fell through, and this summer we lost power practically every other week, which was an added stressor when I was attempting to meet a book deadline. Seemed like anytime something had the potential to go wrong, Mr. Murphy showed up. He and his damn law can kiss the fattest part of my ass right about now.

In February and March, we had to put down our two oldest cats, and then we lost Gus, Chuck Norris, and Odin to an escape attempt. We eventually rounded up all our stray felines, thank goodness, but it was a rough few days. Gus has especially been a jerk ever since we finally captured him again and brought him back inside, registering his displeasure on the curtains in the family room. Hes all, “How ya gonna keep me down on the farm after Ive seen Paree?” (Sorry, pal. Ranking mammal making the decisions here.)

I know, I know . . . why dont I run around Italy eating all the pizzas and gelato and then the world can feel extrasorry for me when I give myself a tummyache before I go live on the beach? (Perspective . . . perhaps I should get me some.)

Make no mistake: This is first-world bullshit right here. Weve been through far worse, and I weathered those events with more grace and dignity. Possibly some swearing, but with much more aplomb.

Back when times were darkest, after wed both lost our jobs and Fletch was racked with depression, I managed to find little ways to be happy. I had to, for my own sanity. Maybe wed go for a walk, as much for fresh air as for a respite from the constant call of bill collectors. Yet while wed stroll our slumtastic neighborhood and fret about our future, Id still stop to smell all the just-bloomed lilacs and be instantly cheered. Now I live securely in a lovely community, but instead of rejoicing in my own lilac bushes, Ill grouse about the encroaching buckthorn. Thats all wrong.

So many people, including friends, are currently dealing with real issues—illness and job loss and problems with their children. I watch the news and my heart aches for those who are truly suffering. I havent earned the right to throw myself a pity party, and I need to buck the hell up.

What really aggravates me is that Fletch and I have worked so hard over the past ten years and made so many sacrifices to get to this point in our lives. Im furious with myself for allowing ridiculous little things to have an impact on my happiness.

Is it really a big deal that the customer service agent was rude to me?

Is the world going to end over a minor disappointment?

And why on earth do I give a shit about what some stranger says about me on Facebook?

Didnt I used to have a thicker skin?

Years ago, when some guy called me a fat bitch on the bus, I laughed in his face and then turned the experience into the New York Times bestselling memoir Such a Pretty Fat. What happened to me? When did I become such a delicate flower? I should, in the words of Clark W. Griswold, be whistling “Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah” out of my bunghole every day, but Im not, because Ive allowed little things to throw me offtrack.

Is it because Im just so stressed over my beautiful pit bull Maisy? After meeting Fletch, this little girl is the best thing that ever happened to me. We adopted her back when Id lost my corporate job in 2001, and her presence in my life changed everything. I fell so deeply in love with her that I became a writer in order to have the excuse to stay home with her every day. Maisys in no way perfect herself—shes bossy, shes officious, shes spoiled, shes lazy, she defies authority, and she pouts when she doesnt get exactly what she wants when she wants it.

Pretty much shes me.

A couple years ago, she was diagnosed with mast cell tumors, and the oncologist gave her six months to live. Of course, Maisys ridiculously stubborn, and you cant tell her a damn thing she doesnt want to hear (again, hello); ergo shes defied every odd thus far. Her doctor uses her as the best-case scenario to comfort other families with sick dogs. Yet I cant ignore that shes not strong like she was before she got sick. She had her second surgery earlier this month—this time for melanoma— and was so weak afterward that her doctor said we should hold off on new rounds of chemotherapy.

Yet the good news is, the mast cell tumors havent returned. And since we adopted our other pit bull Libby last year, Maisys spirits have never been higher.

Maisy adores having a mini-me and lives for an audience. She leaps out of bed every morning to roll around and scratch her back, thrilled at the prospect of a new day. And the fact that the biggest downside is that she cant yank so hard on the leash isnt the worst thing in the world. Back in the day, she could pull me over in three seconds flat. My unskinned knees dont miss that.

Yet despite all her positive progress, every time she coughs or sneezes or lingers in bed, I envision the worst-case scenario. I run to the emergency vet like people run to the store.

Because of all of the above, I just want this year to be behind us, and I figured the easiest way to do that would be to ignore the holidays. Back when we were broke, we routinely skipped Christmas, so its not like wed be blazing new territory here.

Fletch was on board with me...until a couple of weeks ago, when he realized he wasnt. He decided instead of skipping Christmas, we were going to flip all of 2011 the bird by ending the year in style. And thats what weve done.

Now the lights are up, the presents have been exchanged, and the house is full of food, friends, and fun. Its a hundred percent festive up in here. I should be on my knees, thanking god for all His blessings. Yet all I can focus on is how Im going to be stuck doing dishes until three thirty a.m. For everyones sake, I need to improve my attitude in 2012.

"I miss them.”

“Me, too.”

Fletch and I are sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee, eating doughnuts, and bemoaning the departure of Julia and Finch. They had to take off at the crack of dawn to get down to Julias parents house in St. Louis.

When they arrived earlier this week, my mood was so foul that I almost ruined my own party. But its patently impossible to not be happy in their presence. our fine moods last well into the evening, and were both extrachipper while watching New Years eve programming.

No, we didnt go out.

A word about New Years eve?

I would rather receive a Pap smear from Captain Hook than venture out on New Years eve.

Id rather time-travel back to junior high and give a speech clad in nothing but a fez in front of the mean girls who used to hassle me on the bus.

(Quick aside? My chief tormentor now gives pedicures in a salon next to the county jail in my old hometown. Sometimes karma looks a lot like OPIs Lincoln Park after Dark.)

Theres something that feels so incredibly lonely and self-defeating about all the forced gaiety of New Years eve, like if Im not out there having the very best time, swilling the most champagne, tooting the loudest noisemaker, wearing the most-spangle-laden dress, then Im somehow failing. Its not that I hate parties and frivolity—eleven years of college is proof positive of that—but Im enough of a contrarian to balk at the notion of Mandatory Fun. I dont begrudge anyone else their merrymaking, but its not my bag, baby, at least not on December 31. lets see: all the amateurs who throw down only once a year, those same amateurs hitting the roads later, and hyperinflated prices for shitty service and watery drinks? or couch time and Carson Daly?

I choose Carson. All the way.

We watch as Carson interviews people in Times Square about their resolutions. “What do you resolve for 2012?” Fletch asks. Hes smirking, because he knows the only thing I loathe as much as NYe is being questioned about my resolutions, particularly by people I dont know. What do I resolve? To find a Starbucks where the baristas are less chatty.

I yell at the screen, “How about this for a resolution, Carson? I resolve to not disclose personal information about my hopes, dreams, and inadequacies on national television.”

look at them all—theyre cold and its loud and they have to pee in Porta Pottis and weirdos are using this as an opportunity to furtively press their junk against the unsuspecting. I simply dont get it. You, right there in the giant plastic 2012 sunglasses? Some pervert just tea-bagged you and you dont even know it.

And you in the sparkly dress? Youre going to wake up with a stranger tomorrow morning, having received the gift that keeps on giving. (Herpes.)

How about you there, dressed as Baby New Year? A) Youre going to get frostbite, and B) theres no way your wallets not falling out of your diaper. When youre shivering your way back to the Bronx tonight with nothing but your banner to keep you warm, youll regret the decisions that led you there.

The square is so crowded that all these dummies can barely lift their arms every time they squeal, “Woo!” at the camera.

As I mock and judge, it occurs to me that I cant recall the last time I spontaneously lifted my arms and shouted, “Woo!”

I wonder if Ive done it once in 2011.

Although, as much as I have to say that I hate 2011, this year wasnt entirely worthless. In so many ways, I got my shit together. After living in a state of arrested development for most of my life, I finally buckled down, making a concerted effort to behave like an adult.

like, I have insurance now.

So much insurance.

everyone has auto insurance (except for anyone driving around tonight, of course), but I also invested in life insurance, homeowners insurance, a supplemental umbrella policy for what homeowners insurance doesnt cover, flood insurance, mortgage insurance, long-term disability insurance, pet insurance. . . .

I should be the happiest son of a bitch on the planet with all these levels of protection.

And yet here I am.

Welcome to Crankytown, population: me.

I wonder if, in trying so hard to be grown-up, I didnt somehow overshoot my mark. By working diligently to be my most responsible me, did I quash some of my own natural propensity for joy? Is it possible that Ive lived through years that were far worse than my current season of Sorority-girl Problems, and that I never noticed because I was a perpetually grinning adolescent?

This bears further examination.

“Its too bad no one sells happiness insurance,” I say.

“Hmm?” Fletch glances over at me with a puzzled expression.

“Think about it: We have every protection known to man, yet Ive still had a miserable year. If someone sold happiness insurance, I could fill out a claim and, much like Stella, get my groove back. otherwise, why would I have paid all those premiums to Big Insurance?”

“Wasnt aware your groove was missing.”

Yes. This makes perfect sense.

I continue. “Heres the thing about this year: Ive failed at having an attitude of gratitude. Ive not come at my life from a place of yes. Ive not chosen me.”

He gives me the whale eye. “You been watching Oprah again?”

I wave him off. “No, no, she went off the air in May. I did like her, though, but I always had some trouble really connecting with her advice. She was all, ‘live your best life! and ‘Chart your vision board! but theres nothing actionable, you know?”

Fletch pauses Carson and his Conclave of Bad Decisions. “What is this ‘vision board of which you speak?”

I explain. “Youre supposed to imagine something you want—like when I wanted to be a writer. To help me visualize my dream, I was supposed to clip out images of what inspired me. Maybe Id have pasted pictures of Jennifer Weiner and David Sedaris and swimming pools and bookstores in between pom-poms and sparkles.”

Hes dubious at best. “So its a craft project.”

“No. Well, okay, yes, a little bit, if you factor in the glitter and rubber cement. But I know tons of people who said doing vision boards helped them.”

“Yet even without a vision board, you became an author.”

I nod. “True dat.”

“Never say that again.” even Maisy manages to look disgusted with me. “let me ask you something: How does sitting around clipping pictures from a magazine advance your goals?”

I scratch Maisys ears while I consider my answer. Apparently I have pleased her, because she curls her toes and burrows in closer to me, forcing most of my right butt cheek off the couch.

Worth it.

I reply, “Cant say for sure, because I never tried to make one.”

He snorts. “Yeah, you know why? Because you were busy actually trying to be a writer. You were writing. You were reading. You built a blog audience. You learned your way around nascent social media. You were putting in the effort and not just sticking pictures on oak tag.”

“True da— Ahem. True enough.”

Fletch slips into Professor Fletcher mode, and I suspect hes two seconds away from pulling out a whiteboard. “Okay, you want to be happy. You want 2012 to be a better year. Whats your plan? Whats going to change? What tangible thing can you do to alter your circumstances?”

“Whoa, slow down! I dont know. I havent thought about it.”

“Maybe you should.”

“Oh, yeah? Your year sucked, too. Maybe you should think about it,” I retort.

“I have and Ive made a plan. Happiness guaranteed.”

I cant keep the surprise out of my voice. “Really? What are you going to do? How are you going to manifest a better year?”

If hes got the inside track on an improved way going forward, then Im all ears.

“Im going to grow a beard.”

“Thats it? Thats your home-run swing?”

“Yes. Besides, its easier than growing a jawline. I decree 2012 to be the Year of the Beard.”

I roll my eyes and click play on the DVR, getting back to Carson and the teeming, grinning masses. “Whatever.”

Still, a beards more tangible than a vision board.

So theres that.

What Our Readers Are Saying

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Average customer rating based on 8 comments:

luvluv reading, September 20, 2010 (view all comments by luvluv reading)
I am appalled that people liked this book. Read much? The writing is poor, but worse yet are the author's mean spirited demeanor and crass topics. Is this what we find amusing? There are so many well educated, intelligent authors out there who write beautifully, are funny, and don't step on "friends" to advance their own "humor". Very sad. Read David Sedaris and tell me one "friend" quoted or noted that would be hurt and/or embarrasssed by the prose.....none, right? Now read this book - would YOU be proud to be this woman's friend?
Get wise: Read books by real writers. Read books that would actually pass muster as a high school essay. Read books that don't dredge up crap (literally) to get laughs.
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S Settje, September 16, 2010 (view all comments by S Settje)
Ok, Seriously, how did I miss this book for so long? Thanks to Crosley I am now a permanent fan of the essay. I may not have grown up in the east and lived in NYC, but her essays are relatable to anyone who has suffered through summercamp, bad roommates, bad relationships or demon bosses. I will be back for more. What's the title of her next one?
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Hardly Audrey, January 1, 2010 (view all comments by Hardly Audrey)
Funny enough that it can be picked up and read over and over again without being boring and always make you laugh. Every family member and friend I recommended it to loved it, I haven't heard a single bad review.
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Product Details

Crosley, Sloane
Riverhead Books
Smith, Courtney E.
Lancaster, Jen
Pimentel, Melissa
Smith, Courtney
LaMarche, Una
Form - Essays
General Music
Edition Description:
Trade paper
Publication Date:
Grade Level:
from 12
8 x 5.31 in 1 lb
Age Level:
from 18

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Related Subjects

Arts and Entertainment » Humor » Anthologies
Arts and Entertainment » Humor » General
Featured Titles » General
Fiction and Poetry » Literature » A to Z

I Was Told There'd Be Cake Used Trade Paper
0 stars - 0 reviews
$9.95 In Stock
Product details 336 pages Riverhead Books - English 9781594483066 Reviews:
"Staff Pick" by ,

Funny, charming, and self-effacing, Sloane Crosley's essays will resonate with you, whether or not you grew up playing Oregon Trail on the computer or have ever locked yourself out of your house — twice in the same day. Crosley's voice is uniquely irreverent, making I Was Told There'd Be Cake a perfect summer read.

"Review" by , "A refreshing, original reflection on modern life."
"Review" by , "Witty and entertaining."
"Review" by , "Charming, elegant, wise, and comedic, these essays absolutely sparkle and entertain. Sloane Crosley is a 21st century Dorothy Parker, and this book is a gem and heralds a wry new voice in American letters. Gorgeous writing, outrageous humor-it's all here!"
"Review" by , "Sloane Crosley is another mordant and mercurial wit from the realm of Sedaris and Vowell. What makes her so funny is that she seems to be telling the truth, helplessly."
"Review" by , "Sloane Crosley is her own woman with her own voice, and as evidenced by this solid debut."
"Review" by , "Crosley's tone and style definitely take a page out of humor-writer David Sedaris' book. She's ironic, droll and self-pillorying and, like Sedaris, she manages to balance passages that are laugh-out-loud funny with others that are both touching and resonant."
"Review" by , "With her sparkling, fresh voice, Crosley is a talent worth watching."
"Review" by , "Butterflies, crazy neighbors, abusive bosses and overworked locksmiths — none are safe from Sloane Crosley's wicked wit."
"Review" by , "Whether you're involved in a love/hate relationship with just yourself or with the entire world, these essays will charm the pants off you — but not so as you'll feel violated. Sloane Crosley is bright and funny and enchanting. This is a sparkling debut."
"Synopsis" by ,
The book June Cleaver would have written if she spent more time drinking and less time vacuuming


As a girl, Una LaMarche was as smart as she was awkward. She was blessed with a precocious intellect, a love of all things pop culture, and eyebrows bushier than Frida Kahlos. Adversity made her stronger...and funnier. In UNABROW, Una shares the cringe-inducing lessons shes learned from a life as a late bloomer, including the seven deadly sins of DIY bangs, how not to make your own jorts, and how to handle pregnancy, plucking, and the rites of passage during which your own body is your worst frenemy.


"Synopsis" by ,
A laugh-out-loud debut novel that will delight fans of Bridget Joness Diary and HBOs Girls

Love by the Book charts a year in the life of Lauren Cunningham, a beautiful, intelligent, and unlucky-in-love twenty-eight-year-old American. Feeling old before her time, Lauren moves to London in search of the fab single life replete with sexy Englishmen. But why cant she convince the men shes seeing that she really isnt after anything more serious than seriously good sex? Determined to break the curse, Lauren turns her love life into an experiment: each month she will follow a different dating guide until she discovers the science behind being a siren. Lauren will follow The Rules, shell play The Game, and along the way shell journal her (mis)adventures and maybe even find someone worth holding on to. Witty, gritty, and very true to life, Love by the Book will have you in stitches.

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