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Lois Leveen: IMG Forsooth Me Not: Shakespeare, Juliet, Her Nurse, and a Novel



There's this writer, William Shakespeare. Perhaps you've heard of him. He wrote this play, Romeo and Juliet. Maybe you've heard of it as well. It's... Continue »
  1. $18.19 Sale Hardcover add to wish list

    Juliet's Nurse

    Lois Leveen 9781476757445

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Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: The Classic Regency Romance -- Now with Ultraviolent Zombie Mayhem!

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Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: The Classic Regency Romance -- Now with Ultraviolent Zombie Mayhem! Cover

 

 

Excerpt

Meredith Willis is suspicious of Adrien, the new guy next door. When she dares to sneak a look into the windows of his house, she sees something in the cellar that makes her believe that Adrien might be more than just a creephe may be an actual monster. But her sister, Heather, doesnt share Merediths repulsion. Heather believes Adrien is the only guy who really understands her. In fact, she may be falling in love with him. When Adrien and Heather are cast as the leads in the school production ofRomeo and Juliet, to Heather, it feels like fate. To Meredith, it feels like a bad omen. But if she tries to tear the couple apart, she could end up in the last place shed ever want to be: the cellar. Can Meredith convince her sister that shes dating the living dead before its too late for both of them?
Praise for The Well:

"[A] propulsive horror yarn. . . . Fright fans will be plenty satisfied with the homicidal happenings."--Booklist
 
"Overall, this is at once frightening and a bit campy, making this a guiltybut still gratifyingly grosspleasure for horror fans."--Bulletin
A. J. WHITTEN is a pseudonym forNew York Timesbestselling author Shirley Jump writing with her teenage daughter, Amanda. A shared love of horror movies and a desire to spice up the Shakespeare stories that are required reading in high schools led to their collaboration onThe Cellar,and theirHamlet-horror mash-up,The Well.They live in Ft. Wayne, Indiana.

#LINK<www.ajwhitten.com>#

Chapter 1

Some days, Meredith, I just . . . I just wish it was me who

died,” my sister said that Tuesday morning in early September.

 I stared at Heather. At sixteen she was a younger version of

me, with darker hair and browner eyes. I was only ten months

older than her but some days felt like a decade older.

 I must have heard her wrong. She talked so softly now, I

was always hearing something other than what she reallysaid.

“You . . . you what?”

 “I just said I wish it had been me. Thats all.” Heather

shrugged. Then she poured a crapload of Cocoa Pebbles into

the new white bowls Mom had bought the week before.

They were ridiculously giant bowls. One day my mother

brought them home and, two seconds later, threw out all

our old dishes. The ones I reallyliked,the yellow ones with

the blue flowers, the same ones Id been eating out of since I

was four.

 Thats what she did now. Spend money. In the past six

months shed bought a lot of things we didnt need. I was sure

her Visa was going to start smoking at any second. A psychiatrist

would have a lot of reallygood

analysis for why.

 Too bad the only shrink my mother went to see was

named Neiman Marcus.

 Our Aunt Evelyn, my mothers older sister, had moved in

six weeks ago with her twin sons and taken over as mom. She

was the one who made dinner, who did the laundry, who

pecked over us like a worried hen all day. Her twin boys Ted

and Tad, but we called them Tweedledee and Tweedledum

because we were pretty sure they shared a solitary brain cell

didnt do much more than go to school and play basketball.

They were both seniors and already had full rides to some

midwest university that liked them dumb, tall, and able to

dribble. They had already left for school that morning, probably

for one of their early scrimmages.

 “Pass the milk, will you?” Heather said.

 I held on to the two-percent.It was pretty much the only

thing I had a hold on right now. My life, which used to seem

so perfect, had become totally distorted. Everything Id thought

meant something my friends, yearbook, school now rang

empty and cold. I kept waiting for some normalcy to come

back, like the tulips my dad and I had planted in the front

yard last year. Except the squirrels stole the bulbs, and only

three of the twenty pink flowers encored.

 Maybe it was a sign. Like those big yellow billboards on

the highway screaming at you to lose fifty pounds or quit

smoking. The signs you ignore until its too late and all of a

sudden, youre lying in a hospital bed, on the wrong end of

a scalpel.

 I pushed away my cereal. Wished Aunt Evelyn hadnt

gone to her Bible study this morning so we could have had

bacon and eggs instead. Maybe then Heather wouldnt have

been in such a weird mood. “Heather, you cant just say

something like that. I mean . . .”

 “What?” She let out a sigh and sat back, turning her face

away. When she did, the long curtain of her brown hair

shifted slightly, exposing the scar that ran from her forehead

to her chin, as if her face had been cut in half.

 It almost had. By a four-door sedan that had crumpled

like a tuna can.

 Leaving Heather a bloody mess, and killing Dad.

In two seconds, the Willis family had gone from being

typical suburbanites mom,dad, two daughters, living in a

four-bedroomranch to a tragic statistic. The psychiatrist

we talked to would quote numbers at me and Heather, as

though that would make us feel better. As if being part of a

group of one point five gazillion kids whose parents had

been killed in car accidents in the past two decades was some

kind of top one hundred Facebook group we should join.

 “What were you going to say?” Heather asked.

 I opened my mouth, but nothing wise came pouring out.

If Id had anything smart to say, Id have said it six months

ago, when Heather was lying in a hospital bed and my mother

was standing in a funeral home picking out a casket.

 So I passed the milk. We sat there and ate in silence.

 Ever since the “incident” which was what everyone

called it, as if one innocuous word could turn the crappiest

day of our lives into something more palatable, like throwing

cheese on broccoli Heatherhad fallen into a dark pit.

The perfect student had to be dragged to school. To soccer

practice, where she was about as useful as a shrub in the

middle of the field.

 Id become the star student. Me, the one who had barely

passed Geometry, and that was only because Id begged Mr.

Sanders to have mercy on me. Instead of my mom pushing

us to be on the honor roll, my crappy C average became the

new norm in our house. Yearbook layouts became the talk

around the table, because I was the only one talking about

what I did. Not that Mom plugged in any better than a

faulty toaster, but at least we were all here.

 Existing.

 Yeah, that was what Id call it. Existing in a bubble of silence,

punctuated with the scraping of spoons against stupid,

huge bowls.

 What we needed more than anything right now was

something new. Something big. Something to wake us up.

 A movement outside the window caught my eye. A flash

of red. The roar of an engine starting. I put down my spoon

and crossed to the window. In the next driveway, gray smoke

curled out of the exhaust pipe of a cherry red Camaro, one

of those sports cars that screamed, Look at me! I hated those

things because they made stupid people drive too fast and

take risks that caused accidents that shouldnt have happened

otherwise. Behind the wheel sat a guy dressed in

black, tall and thin, wearing sunglasses. White ruffle-

edged curtains that hadnt been there yesterday hung in the windows

of the two-story Victorian, and a wicker rocker sat on

the porch. “Hey, when did someone move into the house

next door?”

 “Mer, that place has been abandoned for as long as weve

lived here. Mom cant give that place away.” Our mother

was a real estate agent. Her trademark sign said Bringing

You and Yours Home, now wasnt on the lawn next door

anymore. The house next door had been one of her few

failures. Old and rundown, left to rot by the old lady whod

lived there for, like, five hundred years, the place hadnt sold

or been rented in years. “Who would want that piece of

crap?”

 “Well, somebody did. And now theyre living there.

Look.” I pointed out the window.

 Heather let out another sigh sighing had become her

thing lately and got to her feet, slowly. She shuffled over

to the window, pretended to look, then turned away.

 “You didnt look.”

 “I did.”

 “You didnt.” I grabbed her arm, spun her around, and

held her at the window until she actually raised her head

and looked past her wall of hair. “Look. People.”

 “Not ‘people. One person.” She huffed. “Big deal. Im

going to school.”

 Again, shed shut me out. I shouldnt care or let it bother

me. It wasnt as if I didnt have my own problems, but still,

every time she did that, a knife ran through my heart. As I

turned from the window, I caught sight of my fathers fishing

cap, tucked high on top of the fridge. Forgotten and

dusty. But for a second, it was as though he were still there.

 I opened my mouth to tell Heather, but she had already

turned away, sending a clear message. She was done. With

me, with conversation.

 Heather walked out the door not waiting for me, not

that she ever did anymore and I did something I never

used to do.

 I prayed for a miracle. For something to bring my sister

back to the land of the living.

What Our Readers Are Saying

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Average customer rating based on 17 comments:

JessMama, August 6, 2012 (view all comments by JessMama)
A fun twist on an amazing story!
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Cheyenne, August 5, 2012 (view all comments by Cheyenne)
I was positively surprised by this book. Who would have thought Elizabeth Bennett as a zombie slayer would make so much sense? Anyone who loves Pride and Prejudice should definitely give it a try.
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(1 of 1 readers found this comment helpful)
efox15, February 29, 2012 (view all comments by efox15)
This was such a funny read. People that have read PRide and Prejudice will especially like this new take on such a romantic classic. To be truthful, I thought that the author wrote in the "zombie attacks" quite well. He was careful about staying true to the characters and kept the storyline relatively similar (with the exception of the one huge change). I really enjoyed this as a fun light read, and I think that this author is extremely creative and clever. He has other titles, such as Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters. Each of these is such a fun read, and a new favorite for anyone that likes twists on classics.
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Product Details

ISBN:
9781594743344
Author:
Seth Grahame-Smith and Jane Austen
Publisher:
Quirk Books
Author:
Grahame-Smith, Seth
Author:
Buchholz, Matthew
Author:
Grahame-Smith, Seth
Author:
Austen, Jane
Author:
Whitten, A. J.
Subject:
Form - Parodies
Subject:
England
Subject:
Sisters
Subject:
Horror & Ghost Stories
Subject:
Horror
Subject:
HUMOR / Parodies
Subject:
Parodies
Copyright:
Edition Description:
Trade paper
Series:
Quirk Classics
Publication Date:
20090431
Binding:
TRADE PAPER
Grade Level:
from 7
Language:
English
Illustrations:
Y
Pages:
320
Dimensions:
7 x 5 in 9.99 lb
Age Level:
from 12

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Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: The Classic Regency Romance -- Now with Ultraviolent Zombie Mayhem! Used Trade Paper
0 stars - 0 reviews
$7.95 In Stock
Product details 320 pages Quirk Books - English 9781594743344 Reviews:
"Staff Pick" by ,

In Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Seth Grahame-Smith has paired Austen’s sublime language with the visceral, flesh-eating menace of the "dreadfuls." England was never this lively. We get sword fights, romance, a zombie plague, and, as a bonus... ninjas!

"Review" by , "The concept behind Pride and Prejudice and Zombies isn't exactly brain surgery...but it certainly juices up a staid literary classic....[T]here's something particularly hilarious about introducing the undead into an English novel of manners."
"Review" by , "[T]he greater achievement 
of the book may lie in the satisfying desire it awakens to read the remix and the original side by side. Indeed, you'll miss out if you do not, so smartly does young Mr. Grahame-Smith insert himself in the thicket of curlicued manners that is Miss Austen's real comic theme. (Grade: A-)"
"Review" by , "There are some ideas that...you hear and immediately kick yourself for not coming up with them first....[M]ixing the mannered stories of Jane Austen with blood, violence, ninjas and zombies is one of them."
"Review" by , "...[A] high-concept parody."
"Synopsis" by ,
This remarkable collection of maps, photographs, engravings and paintings from the early ages to modern day provides a stunning new look at the world as defined by our struggles and alliances with the monsters and supernatural creatures that have defined our existence. Learn how a mechanical man helped write Americas Declaration of Independence. Track the course of the Living Dead virus from Africa to Europe and on to the New World. View artifacts from our uneasy alliance with the Martian race, or simply delight in the vibrant colors and illustrations from a bygone age. More than 100 full-color images and insightful essays make this book an essential addition to the libraries of dedicated historians as well as casual fans of monsters and mayhem.
"Synopsis" by , “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains.”

 

So begins Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, an expanded edition of the beloved Jane Austen novel featuring all-new scenes of bone-crunching zombie mayhem. As our story opens, a mysterious plague has fallen upon the quiet English village of Meryton—and the dead are returning to life! Feisty heroine Elizabeth Bennet is determined to wipe out the zombie menace, but she’s soon distracted by the arrival of the haughty and arrogant Mr. Darcy. What ensues is a delightful comedy of manners with plenty of civilized sparring between the two young lovers—and even more violent sparring on the blood-soaked battlefield. Can Elizabeth vanquish the spawn of Satan? And overcome the social prejudices of the class-conscious landed gentry? Complete with romance, heartbreak, swordfights, cannibalism, and thousands of rotting corpses, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies transforms a masterpiece of world literature into something you’d actually want to read.

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