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Author Archive: "Dale E. Basye"

Ask Dale E. Basye, Well-Respected Author of Heck: Where the Bad Kids Go and the Spanking New Rapacia: The Second Circle of Heck, Which Is Ideal for Spanking

Dear Dale E. Basye, author of the amazing Heck: Where the Bad Kids Go and equally-if-not-more-fabulous Rapacia: The Second Circle of Heck:

I have a strong suspicion that my elderly neighbor has been stealing the koi fish out of my pond at night. She seems to enjoy dishing out foreign delicacies (i.e. Oriental goldfish) to her 13 cats. Are there any methods or tools that I could devise at home that may be able to help me catch her in the act?

Alae Debyes
Rantplod, Ogreno

Dear Alae,

You have a number of low-cost options available to you in detecting, apprehending, and "disposing of" the thief of your beloved, disappearing koi.

1) Fashion a decoy koi using several cups of goldfish crackers, glue, and gold metallic paint. Before the mixture is allowed to set, insert several plaque dye tablets at the core of your faux fish, then sculpt to approximate a fattened, succulent koi. If your neighbor or neighbor's cat boasts vivid, scarlet-stained teeth immediately following a koi disappearance, you are well within your rights to ...

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