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Archive for the 'Poll' Category

Final Results for November 19th Poll: I Kill Me… and Her

This holiday season, prepare for the motion picture extravaganza that will have you gasping with laughter and romance...

Your heart swelling with love, desire, and half-digested cat...

A film the entire family will love and cherish until the end of W.'s presidency...

Twilight starring ALF and Vicki from "Small Wonder"

Final Results for June 19th Poll: Best Commencement Address Ever!

And the verdict is...


Final Results for June 11th Poll: Bring On the Lost Babies!

Publishers are constantly promoting one new children's fantasy series after another as "the next Harry Potter." But let's be honest: nobody saw the last Harry Potter coming, so how are they supposed to predict the next one?

However, as much as any book can be considered a sure thing, 39% of our respondents wholeheartedly believe that Lost Babies: The Early Years by Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse will be the next big thing!

muppet babies

Publishing industry, are you listening? We want the wacky, fun-filled adventures of infant Jack, Kate, and Sawyer fighting for control of their play room against Locke, who believes the play room has mysterious powers because he has been crawling for four years — and suddenly he can walk!

We'll ignore the runner-up, The ALF Chronicles by Vicki the Robot (25%), as it's become clear to me that the one-time sitcom star of Small Wonder hacked into our system and rigged her vote. And yet, she still wasn't able to win — which goes to show that poor Vicki hasn't become any more competent since cancellation.

Final Results for June 4 Poll: Oh, Who Cares?

Dearest Reader, I confess: I am despondent.

I fear I am screaming into an echo chamber. Hollering into my own pillow. Bellowing into the Great Void of the Eternal Unknowniness.

In other words: Is anybody out there? Is this thing on?

If you're reading this, have mercy upon your beleaguered blogger. Take two seconds to leave a comment so I know I'm not alone here.

It's so difficult to sit in the backseat of one's car (in my case, a stretch limo the length of a city block) wearing pajamas made of the finest handwoven silks, tapping away at a keyboard made of solid gold, just wondering if anyone cares.

Final Results for the May 28 Poll: “With the Bond and the Losties and the Hey, Hey, Hey!”

Comic Book Guy and Professor Frink must be beside themselves.

Yes, it's true, a not-terribly-surprising 70% of respondents wanted Lost executive producers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse to write the next James Bond novel.

Which would undoubtedly involve Sir James and a scantily clad, impossibly beautiful secret agent washing up on the shores of a mysterious island patrolled by homicidal black smoke. (And it would turn out the Hansa Corporation is run by a certain Mr. Ernst Stavro Blofeld.)

BUT... in a not-remotely-close second, 18% would like to see Simpsons creator Matt Groening write the next installment. That leaves us pondering the delicious possibilities, which might look something like this:

Lost Bond

We contacted Professor John I.Q. Nerdelbaum Frink, Jr. for a comment and he emailed the following statement:

Oh my great, good glaven! Such a hybrid would undoubtedly inspire a frenzy of redorkulated fan response the likes of which we've never seen, with the shoving and the flaming and the blogging and the hurting! For glaven out loud, spare us the anguish! Mm-hai.

And Comic Book Guy had only this to say: "Worst greatest idea ever."

Final Results for May 21 Poll: You Call Him Dr. Jones!

Maybe it was just too easy... or maybe our respondents were just too excited about the new Indiana Jones film.

It seems that 56% of those who bothered to click on last week's Hump Day Poll believe the former Henry Jones ("We named the dog Indiana") would win in a four-way fight between Indy, Barack Obama, ALF, and Vicki from Small Wonder.

This is, of course, completely incorrect.

We all know from watching the top-rated sitcom of the entire 1980s (and, in fact, it was so successful that it was also the top-rated sitcom of the '90s even though it had been cancelled by then!) that the robotic wonder-girl Vicki would use her bionic strength and speed to crush the skulls of her opponents before they could shoot her (Indy), outsmart her (Obama), or eat her cat (ALF).

Thus, despite what you Harrison Ford groupies want to believe, Vicki from Small Wonder is the true victor. (Her name is even short for "Victory!" Can it get much better than that?)

Alas, only 11% of respondents got the answer right. You are all better than human.

Final Results for May 1st Poll: More Snarf On the Blog!

I confess, I'm a bit baffled by this, as to my knowledge, the Thundercats' persnickety mascot had never previously appeared on our blog.

Yet, as the poll shows, a decisive 33% of respondents demand More Snarf! on our blog. So, here goes:


Meanwhile, with a close second, 26% want Reports from Powell's author events. We'll see what we can do to accommodate that — but don't expect reports from Snarf anytime soon. For one thing, he's a fictional character to whom Powells.com does NOT own the trademark... and for another, who'd want to listen to a report like this?

Snarf... Dave Eggers approached the podium (snarf) and looked so strong, like Lion-O facing off against Mumm-Ra... whimper, snarf... He's so scary, I still wet myself every time I (snarf) think of his evil (snarf) nastiness!

See what I mean? But we'll find a more suitable correspondent... somewhere.

Final Results for April 24 Poll: Get Your Own Powell’s Employee!

Perhaps keeping in mind our frequent designation as having one of the sexiest staffs in Portland (thanks, Mercury readers!), a whopping 55% of respondents selected A Powell's employee who reads the book to you in the bath as the most desirable addition to our Indiespensable packages.

Or perhaps there are a lot of lonely bathers who frequent this blog and would like anyone — anyone at all — to read to them in the bath. I hate to speculate.

At any rate, you've spoken and we shall respond accordingly. Volume 3 of Indiespensable (not yet announced) will ship with a live Powell's employee enclosed.

Warning: if you receive a human-sized Indiespensable box that doesn't have holes punched in the lid, DO NOT OPEN IT! Just bury the thing in your backyard and let us never mention it again.

Final Results for April 11 Poll: Bilbo Revealed!

Thanks to you, our dedicated readers (and clickers), here is the first-ever picture of Bilbo Baggins for the upcoming Hobbit motion picture!

Bilbo Baggins

Final Results for April 3 Hump Day Poll: Shattered Dreams!

Instead of offering my two bits (and change), I'm just going to sit here shaking my head with dismay and allow all of you to ponder a world where 44% of respondents would somehow rather see The Hobbit than ALF Meets Manimal and the Robot Kid from "Small Wonder."

Here's The Hobbit: "Wheeeeee, look at me, I'm a little guy with hairy feet! La dee da dee da, look at all the fun computer monsters around me! Dum de dum de dum, what silly, fun, dumb adventures I'm having! Wonder how my life will end up? Oh, that's right, you already know 'cause I turned old and crazy in the Lord of the Rings movies everyone saw! Ta tee ta tee ta, I wish I could kill myself, and so will you when you have to sit through this movie."

And here's the entire world after witnessing the pants-splurshing spectacle that is ALF Meets Manimal and the Robot Kid from "Small Wonder": "HOLY [CENSORED] ON MY MOTHER'S [CENSORED] [CENSORED], THIS IS THE GREATEST CINEMATIC ACHIEVEMENT OF ALL [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] TIME!!!!!!!!!"

But hey, you enjoy your Hobbit leavings.

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