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No Reading Required, Part 4: The Missing Page of My Book

You probably think I don't edit myself very much. You probably also think that Rhonda Byrne Is NOT the infallible ruler of all human souls. Ha! Your ignorance nauseates me. Just open to any page of the following books and you'll see that all your negativity is what's keeping you down:

All kidding aside, this woman is crazy, and I fear she hasn't read many books. Or really talked to many humans. She uses Jesus Christ as an example in her books, but I don't even know if she's read the Bible. That's THE Bible or as my pal Django Haskins calls it:

The Bible

Jesus is on every other page (of the second half) of the book! I've done a lot of thinking about who has never read a book. Statistically speaking, it's most people. I think Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit said it best when he commented, "I never read a book," then went on to make all that music we enjoy so much.

There was a page from my book that ended up getting cut, and I wanted to share it with you now. It's about all the famous people who don't read! I bet you think I'm phoning it in right now. I bet you also think that the moon won't eventually turn on us and wreak his murderous revenge upon all of humanity. You are so unprepared for the future... tsk, tsk.

Here's the missing page from my book, How Not to Read: Harnessing the Power of a Literature-Free Life.

Famous People Who Never Read:

Many people who are reading this book may have read up to three other books! But you might feel guilty that you only read magazines and an occasional metal-band diary. For anyone worried he or she does not read enough, here's a list of "geniuses" that never cracked a book:

Abraham Lincoln: Supposedly read Uncle Tom's Cabin and, upon meeting Harriet Beecher Stowe, said, "I've been meaning to meet the young lady who started this great war." A tearful Stowe replied, "Why would you say that?! All my friends are dying!!" She then cried for an hour. Little-known fact: Lincoln was not referring to Uncle Tom's Cabin but literally attempting the most out-of-left-field smear campaign in U.S. history by saying Harriet Beecher Stowe explicitly told states to secede. Sometimes presidents use any means necessary to deflect blame.

Socrates: His students wrote everything down for him, so he didn't even read his own work!

Aaron Sorkin: Though known for his cerebral screenplays and television shows, Aaron Sorkin's fact-filled monologues were not found in books but in a 1984 edition of Trivial Pursuit.

Jonathan Franzen: If you add up the number of pages he is responsible for writing and multiply it by 60 minutes per page (the average time to write and edit), Jonathan Franzen has spent 71 years, 5 months, and 33 days writing, which leaves little time for reading unless he is a 200-year-old vampire. Which is it, Jon? Are you a vampire or are you lying about how much you read? The world wants the truth!

Endnote: Upon scholarly reflection, The Trial and Death of Socrates came to be known as this:

÷ ÷ ÷

Dan Wilbur is a comedian, a writer, and an avid video game player living in Brooklyn, NY. His writing is featured on CollegeHumor.com, McSweeney’s, and the Onion News Network. Dan is the creator and editor of Better Book Titles. His first humor book, How Not to Read, will be published by Perigee (Penguin) on September 4.

Books mentioned in this post

  1. How Not to Read: Harnessing the... Used Trade Paper $7.95
  2. Uncle Tom's Cabin: Or, Life Among...
    Used Trade Paper $4.50
  3. The Secret
    Used Hardcover $7.95
  4. The Power
    Used Hardcover $12.50

Dan Wilbur is the author of How Not to Read: Harnessing the Power of a Literature-Free Life

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