The Favorite Granddaughterand#8220;You know your sisterand#8217;s moving in with her boyfriend?and#8221; Granny called to inform me. and#8220;You know she met him on one of those dating websites?and#8221; This was not a subtle hint.
and#160;and#160;and#160;My older sister, Danielle, is the model granddaughter. Since as far back as I can remember, Granny has shamelessly referred to her as and#8220;the favorite granddaughter.and#8221; Although she claims itand#8217;s mainly for comedic purposes, there is still a shred of truth in her title. She was the first born, the good girl, who did the best in school and never got a drunk tattoo of her friendand#8217;s initials on her left butt cheek. My sister settling down with a nice man was clearly scoring her some solid points in Grannyand#8217;s book.
and#160;and#160;and#160;and#8220;Are you trying to suggest something?and#8221; I asked. Online dating? Who did she think I was? I am a young social butterfly with a pair of 34Ds. I met Charlie on the street outside my apartment in New York City. Our relationship was impulsive, passionate, and the furthest thing from building an online dating profile.
and#160;and#160;and#160;and#8220;Cool your jets and lose the tone, kid,and#8221; she warned. and#8220;It wouldnand#8217;t be a bad idea for you to get out there and mix it up.and#8221; Although she might have been right, I was not going to cave so easily.
and#160;and#160;and#160;I turned the tables. and#8220;What about you? Why donand#8217;t you online date? You should mix it up.and#8221;
and#160;and#160;and#160;Earlier that summer Granny had called to tell me about a date she had been set up on with an eighty-plus senior. It was supposed to be her stab at forgetting Ira (again), but it was a disaster. First her date asked if she would meet him at the restaurant to save money on gas. Then he set the date for 5 p.m. so they could make the early-bird special (Granny is not an early-bird kind of bird). Over some fondue, the shriveled-up cheapskate seductively licked cheese off a square of sourdough bread as he confessed, and#8220;Iand#8217;m a very talented kisser.and#8221; Granny gave him a look of disgust and confusion. and#8220;I just thought you should know because kissing is about the only way for me to express my desire these days.and#8221;
and#160;and#160;and#160;We had a good laugh about the date, but it definitely didnand#8217;t do anything positive in the way of getting her out on the single scene. To make matters worse, after her initial tearjerker phone call to Ira, their relationship sparked back up. With her in Florida and him still in New York (and still very much married), the two began a telephone affair. Their chats were like a roller coaster. Sheand#8217;d call me after a heated argument to vent: and#8220;Heand#8217;s still the same self-involved bastard he was fifty years ago.and#8221; Then days later sheand#8217;d call back giggling about something sweet he said. A charming man is a dangerous entity.
and#160;and#160;and#160;Their relationship was inappropriate on a lot of levels. Although the hopeless romantic in me rooted for them and their timeless love, the realist in me knew it wouldnand#8217;t last and understood how wrong their phone calls really were.
and#160;and#160;and#160;It wasnand#8217;t my place to intervene, and luckily I didnand#8217;t have to. One day Granny called and said, and#8220;Itand#8217;s over. He broke my heart. Again.and#8221;
and#160;and#160;and#160;My heart broke for hers. and#8220;What happened?and#8221;
and#160;and#160;and#160;and#8220;He got old. His problems are old. Our issues are old. No use in hashing them out anymore. Itand#8217;s done. We are done.and#8221;
and#160;and#160;and#160;After thirty years there was finally a closed door. It was a huge relief, a weight off her tiny shoulders. The loving granddaughter in me wanted her to date again to gain back her mojo and have a second lease on life. The selfish granddaughter in me wanted her to start dating again so I could hear more hilarious stories about cranky old men and impotence.
and#160;and#160;and#160;Mutual bullying began. We both rattled off reasons why we thought the other should be online dating. Oddly both of us held up a similar case: Youand#8217;re too entertaining to be alone. You need to see what else is out there. Youand#8217;re out of practice, you donand#8217;t remember how to date. It could be fun!
and#160;and#160;and#160;Besides Grannyand#8217;s irrational fear of having her identity stolen, our arguments against online dating were also the same: What if someone we know sees us on these sites? The men on them are all losers. Our egos were too big. And when it came down to it, we were both stuck on the serendipity of finding romance in real life.
and#160;and#160;and#160;The argument to online date was more convincing when I thought of my sister and her boyfriend and their adorable relationship. Everyone who meets them canand#8217;t help but remark on how well suited they are. Theyand#8217;re an online dating novelty, but they did give the sites more credibility in Grannyand#8217;s and my eyes. We tried our best to get on board with the concept that how you meet someone is just the prologue; the real meat is in the chapters.
and#160;and#160;and#160;Match.com advertises that one out of five relationships begins online. Thatand#8217;s a pretty compelling statistic. The romantic notion of spotting your soul mate perusing the aisles of a bookstore is outdated. Who goes to a store when you have the web? The Internet is the key to everything these daysand#8212;we shop for books, music, clothes, and, increasingly, companionship online.
and#160;and#160;and#160;With some serious coaxing on both ends, we came to terms with the idea and decided to follow the favorite granddaughterand#8217;s lead. Itand#8217;s an experiment, we told each other, as a way to ease ourselves back into the dating game.
and#160;and#160;and#160;Through an oral agreement, we committed to our dating journey for twelve months. Over the course of the year we would sharpen our dating skills while sampling the thirty-two flavors. It was time to relinquish our egos, bury the stigma, and embrace the humility of the online dating process.
75 Yr Old Woman Seeks 75 Yr Old Man
and#8220;Give me a fake name. I like Deborah,and#8221; Granny said. Since she lives in South Florida and Iand#8217;m in New York, we made her JDate profile together over the phone.
and#160;and#160;and#160;and#8220;Deborah?and#8221;
and#160;and#160;and#160;and#8220;I want to make an alter ego, you know, a fake personality?and#8221;
and#160;and#160;and#160;and#8220;That doesnand#8217;t make any sense,and#8221; I told her. and#8220;You would be incapable of maintaining a fake personality through a whole date.and#8221;
and#160;and#160;and#160;and#8220;Iand#8217;m the most deceptive person you knowand#8221;and#8212;she cackled like a ruthless kingpinand#8212;and#8220;I lie to you all the time and you donand#8217;t know it.and#8221;
and#160;and#160;and#160;I wondered if this devious minx was even really my granny.
and#160;and#160;and#160;After an agonizing hour of encouragement she began to get into it. Body type? I suggested we put down petite, she preferred adding shapely or voluptuous. The ultimate deceiver insisted we significantly decrease her age. For an older lady, sheand#8217;s a hot commodity, but still I thought it would be best to stick with the truth. and#8220;Theyand#8217;re all doinand#8217; it, trust me,and#8221; she insisted. and#8220;And I betcha they all put down that they listen to jazz. They think it makes and#8217;em sound young and hip. Like, and#8216;Look at me, I listen to the horn!and#8217;and#8221; I donand#8217;t know any hip dudes who get down with the horn, but I wasnand#8217;t about to argue with her.
and#160;and#160;and#160;She is barely over five feet, but like me she wanted a taller man. and#8220;He better be at least five-eight. I donand#8217;t want any fashrimpadickas like your motherand#8217;s dating.and#8221; (and#8220;Fashrimpadickaand#8221; is one of Grannyand#8217;s many fake Yiddish words that she uses to describe short, creepy men.)
and#160;and#160;and#160;I started checking boxes to discover her type. and#8220;Would you say youand#8217;d like a worldly man?and#8221;
and#160;and#160;and#160;and#8220;Wealthy? Definitely,and#8221; she said.
and#160;and#160;and#160;and#8220;No, no, and#8216;worldly,and#8217;and#8221; I corrected.
and#160;and#160;and#160;She laughed. and#8220;I like wealthy. Yes, definitely put down wealthy. Worldly isnand#8217;t bad either though.and#8221;
and#160;and#160;and#160;When we started off she insisted on keeping her and#8220;About Meand#8221; and and#8220;What Iand#8217;m Looking Forand#8221; sections vague. She was hesitant to reveal too much. and#8220;Less is more, less is more,and#8221; she assured me. The first shot at creating your profile, it can feel easier to lie, or dance around the truth, than admit who you are. I donand#8217;t recommend it, but I understand it.
and#160;and#160;and#160;Then it was my turn. I chose OkCupid because the word on the street was that it had the best-looking fellas. Itand#8217;s the site my sister met her boyfriend on and was recommended to me by a few friends who were willing to admit to online dating. OkCupid is also free, the perfect price for my cheap ass. It felt like less of a serious commitment and more like an extension to my other social media accounts.
and#160;and#160;and#160;I struggled with choosing a username that would come across as carefree yet simultaneously seductive. Itand#8217;s almost impossible not to come off cheesy in a screen name. Iand#8217;m ashamed to admit that I even googled ideas. DolphinLover62, Bonerz4U, NYCbabez13, and gr8nbed were some names I came across.
and#160;and#160;and#160;Then there was the humbling step of choosing a picture. Oh God, the pictures. and#8220;Nothing slutty, but something appealing, you know, friendly,and#8221; Granny advised.
and#160;and#160;and#160;Although most people had several pictures up, I decided to start out with only one. Subtle and sexy. My sister suggested having a photo that was shoulders up. and#8220;You get more clicks if itand#8217;s just your head,and#8221; she advised. I went with a shot from a barbecue two summers ago. I looked tan, approachable, and probably a couple of points hotter than I do in real life. As soon as the picture uploaded, I began to feel the same hesitations that Granny went through. Suddenly my face was out there on the Internet for all exes, acquaintances, friends, and strangers to see.
and#160;and#160;and#160;and#8220;Letand#8217;s fill the rest of my info out later,and#8221; I suggested.
and#160;and#160;and#160;I hung up and went to the gym. The weight machines were packed with men between the ages of twenty-four and thirty-eight, the same age range I was under on OkCupid. Shit, I thought, someone in here might recognize me! I hung my head low on the elliptical, trying to sweat away my anxieties.
and#160;and#160;and#160;After showering I logged back on to the site to find twenty-seven new messages from possible suitors. I still hadnand#8217;t uploaded any info, so the messages I got were based on my and#8220;friendlyand#8221; picture and the fact that I had accidentally checked the box that said I was into and#8220;casual sex.and#8221;
and#160;and#160;and#160;I received messages from men who ranged from Staten Island guidos to World of Warcraft enthusiasts:
and#8220;Wanna cuddle?and#8221;
and#8220;Iand#8217;m an Asian doctor. Interested?and#8221;
and#8220;Yo buttaface, I got girlz hotter than u.and#8221;
and#8220;Beautiful hair. Are those natural curls?and#8221;
and#8220;Hi sweety u wanna have sexy time?and#8221;
and#8220;Hi, I am a 42 year old Spanish man, 5and#8217;9 tall, 180 lbs with a fit body, black hair, brown eyes and looking for a friendship for a casual affair.and#8221;
and#160;and#160;and#160;The messages I was receiving ranged from creepy (yet somewhat flattering) to downright offensive. I was intimidated but decided that adding more information might help with the process of elimination and weeding out the casual-sex-
searching monkeys.
and#160;and#160;and#160;Building a profile makes you ask yourself questions you may have never thought about before. Am I stylish? How about spontaneous? Kind? Do I want to have kids? Do I care if my partner smokes? Do I expect a phone call from my partner every day? Multiple times a day? Ugh. Alone, I sat at my computer, sweating and moaning out loud from the pangs of embarrassment.
and#160;and#160;and#160;I called Granny. When creating a profile itand#8217;s a good idea to have someone help you fill out the questions. It can be intimidating and totally overwhelming to do on your own. Granny bullied me the same way I did to her and I whined the same way she did to me. We argued over what information in my life was important to reveal.
and#160;and#160;and#160;Besides selling overpriced booze to wealthy snobs, I also started a charity in Kenya for education. The organization buys textbooks and awards college scholarships to orphaned schoolchildren in Nairobi. My work in Kenya is beyond fulfilling and helps to justify prancing around in stilettos to pay the bills. Two months out of the year I spend in Kenya, which provides a bizarre balance between both jobs. Theyand#8217;re two conflicting worlds that were hard and, I thought, unnecessary to articulate on OkCupid.
and#160;and#160;and#160;and#8220;Donand#8217;t put anything about your nightlife gig, theyand#8217;ll get the wrong idea,and#8221; Granny insisted, and then continued to preach to me for the millionth time about why I should stop working as a bottle server. and#8220;You know youand#8217;re never gonna meet a nice man thatand#8217;s comfortable with you shaking your tush in a little dress and slinging alcohol to snot-faced millionaires,and#8221; she warned. and#8220;You should put down that youand#8217;re charitable, youand#8217;re a philanthropist, youand#8217;re well traveled. Put, and#8216;I hope Iand#8217;m fun. I think I am.and#8217;and#8221;
and#160;and#160;and#160;I decided to go with her and#8220;less is moreand#8221; motto.
and#160;and#160;and#160;and#8220;How about age range? How old do you think is too old for me?and#8221; I asked.
and#160;and#160;and#160;and#8220;I donand#8217;t know. Double your age, I guess,and#8221; she suggested.
and#160;and#160;and#160;and#8220;What? Thatand#8217;s obscene.and#8221; I cracked up. and#8220;You would freak out if I brought home a forty-eight-year-old.and#8221;
and#160;and#160;and#160;She agreed. and#8220;Okay, okay. Only double your age if youand#8217;re just fooling around. If youand#8217;re getting serious, no one over ten years older than you.and#8221; I tried to picture her reaction if I admitted to hooking up with a forty-eight-year-old man. I imagined lots of judgmental finger wagging and lip pursing.
and#160;and#160;and#160;The process was just heating up and we were already having fun. My sister gave me some advice: and#8220;There are some hilarious, repulsive, and questionable moments that go down in online dating; itand#8217;s best to have a partner in crime.and#8221;
and#160;and#160;and#160;I couldnand#8217;t think of a better wingman than Granny. Sheand#8217;d been through it all, and now I had her as my pal and punching bag in this process.