Synopses & Reviews
In the tradition of Cynthia Heimel and Chelsea Handler, and with the boisterous iconoclasm of Amy Sedaris, Julie Klausner's candid and funny debut I Don't Care About Your Band
sheds light on the humiliations we endure to find love — and the lessons that can be culled from the wreckage.
I Don't Care About Your Band posits that lately the worst guys to date are the ones who seem sensitive. It's the jerks in nice guy clothing, not the players in Ed Hardy, who break the hearts of modern girls who grew up in the shadow of feminism, thinking they could have everything, but end up compromising constantly. The cowards, the kidults, the critics, and the contenders: these are the stars of Klausner's memoir about how hard it is to find a man — good or otherwise — when you're a cynical grown-up exiled in the dregs of Guyville.
Off the popularity of her New York Times Modern Love piece about getting the brush-off from an indie rock musician, I Don't Care About Your Band is marbled with the wry strains of Julie Klausner's precocious curmudgeonry and brimming with truths that anyone who's ever been on a date will relate to. Klausner is an expert at landing herself waist-deep in crazy, time and time again, in part because her experience as a comedy writer (Best Week Ever, TV Funhouse on SNL) and sketch comedian from NYC's Upright Citizens Brigade fuels her philosophy of how any scene should unfold, which is, What? That sounds crazy? Okay, I'll do it.
I Don't Care About Your Band charts a distinctly human journey of a strong-willed but vulnerable protagonist who loves men like it's her job, but who's done with guys who know more about love songs than love. Klausner's is a new outlook on dating in a time of pop culture obsession, and she spent her 20s doing personal field research to back up her philosophies. This is the girl's version of High Fidelity. By turns explicit, funny and moving, Klausner's debut shows the evolution of a young woman who endured myriad encounters with the wrong guys, to emerge with real-world wisdom on matters of the heart. I Don't Care About Your Band is Julie Klausner's manifesto, and every one of us can relate.
"Scarsdale-bred actress and entertainer Klausner fashions a breathy, vernacular-veering-into-vulgar, spastically woe-filled account of her youthful heartaches falling for guys who were just not that into her. Chronologically arranged, the brief, zippy anecdotes move from her preadolescent sexual awakenings, poring over Stallions magazine during sleepovers with her girlfriends, through the unsavory details of sleeping with a gallery of losers throughout her 20s. The author likens herself to Miss Piggy from the Muppets, plucky, stylish, mouthy and irrepressible, chasing after the perennially indifferent Kermit, who just wants to hang out with his guy pals. Klausner's eager pursuits of men followed this doomed pattern, from falling for Tom, the long-distant Internet crush in Minnesota, because he got her dorky allusions but happened to be emotionally zero; NYU acquaintance Ryan with 'instance-inappropriate intensity' who suggested a threesome; Colin the vegan, who only liked the taste of his own semen; and sex with a grossly ugly person that was supposed to make her feel better about her own inadequacies. Honest she is, though her tales of being young and 'habitually dating the damaged' require a strong stomach and a good handle on popular cultural references." Publishers Weekly (Copyright Reed Business Information, Inc.)
"Julie Klausner has the perfect comedic voice for a new generation of ladies-brave, self-deprecating, high-larious beyond and brand spanking new." Jill Soloway, author of Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants and executive producer of United States of Tara
"Julie Klausner is Helen Girly Brown: hard-working, yet lusty! Romantic and intelligent! But best of all: unapologetic about wanting to be in love." Sarah Thyre, author of Dark at the Roots and actress on Strangers with Candy
"I wish that, like a big sister, I could have taken Julie Klausner aside and advised her against most of the dalliances in this book. On the other hand, her horrible dating experiences are your laugh-out-loud entertainment."
-Rachel Dratch, actress and comedienne (Saturday Night Live)
"Julie Klausner has the perfect comedic voice for a new generation of ladies-brave, self-deprecating, high-larious beyond and brand spanking new. It's one of those books that you take to bed with you, that keeps you up all night, and that makes you laugh so hard in public the next morning that strangers ask you what you're reading. And make me so glad I'm not dating."
-Jill Soloway, author of Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants and executive producer of United States of Tara
"Julie Klausner is Helen Girly Brown: hard-working, yet lusty! Romantic and intelligent! But best of all: unapologetic about wanting to be in love. I Don't Care About Your Band has more wit and all of the tsuris of Carrie Bradshaw's Sex and the City, without the pithy bromides."
-Sarah Thyre, author of Dark at the Roots and actress on Strangers with Candy
"All those misplaced orgasms and disappointing hookups with deviants were well worth it. Julie Klausner's memoir is screamingly funny and wiser than a hooker with health insurance. Take it home for a ride!"
-Michael Musto, columnist for The Village Voice and author of La Dolce Musto
Introducing a new comedy voice in the tradition of Amy Sedaris and Chelsea Handler in a hilarious memoir about the humiliations we endure to find love — and the lessons that can be culled from the wreckage
According to Julie Klausner, what Sarah Vowell is to American history, I am to guys in their thirties who have never been married and really like Cat Power. Inspired by her New York Times Modern Love piece about getting the brush-off from an indie rock musician, I Don't Care About Your Band is the true story of Klausner's rocky road to romantic enlightenment, laced with tales from her cartoonishly Jewish upbringing and brimming with truisms to which any woman who's ever been on a date will relate. Such as:
Find a Gay Best Friend, Immediately. Nobody will be meaner when talking about the guy who broke your heart.
A Friend with Benefits is Like a Unicorn that Craps Cupcakes. Fun to imagine, but not real.
It's a Great Idea to Have Coffee with a Married Man. If you're doing research for your dissertation on narcissism.
Crazy Is an STD. And there are worse things you can catch from guys who aren't right for you.
By turns edgy and deeply personal, with rapid-fire humor throughout, I Don't Care About Your Band shows the evolution of a young woman who endured myriad encounters with some very twisted men-to emerge with real-world wisdom on matters of the heart.
Inspired by her New York Times Modern Love piece about getting the brush-off from an indie rocker, this work tells the hilarious true story of Klausner's rocky road to romantic enlightenment.
About the Author
Julie Klausner is a writer, actress, and comedian who has appeared on VH1's Best Week Ever, where she is a staff writer, and has performed at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in many shows. Her writing has appeared on Saturday Night Live's "TV Funhouse", and on the Big Gay Sketch Show, and her prose has appeared in the New York Times, New York magazine (online), mcsweeneys.net and salon.com.