Copyright © 2014 by Jolie Kerr
Chapter 1
The Kitchen: Clean It, or Just
Set It on Fire and Be Done?
Raise your hand if youve ever seen a mouse scurrying through your kitchen.
Liars, every last one of you. Heck, even Ive seen a mouse scurrying through my kitchen, and Im a Clean Person. To be fair, it was a mouse of the field-ish variety, and my downstairs neighbors had just tilled the backyard in order to do their summer planting, and Im pretty sure Fievel was running all about the place because his home had been disrupted. At least thats what Im going to tell people, and if you dont toe the party line on this one, I wont tell you how to clean that burnt rice off the bottom of the only pan you own. So there!
Right, so lets talk kitchens: theyre such great placesthe heart of the home! But also? Woof, kitchens can get gross, cant they?? Grease splatters, spilled crumbs, overflowing garbage, the leaning tower of dishes in your sinkand those are the everyday problems, right? What about when mold engulfs your leftovers? (If thats an everyday problem for you, please dont tell me, okay? I dont know if my heart can take it.) Or when your freezer ices over such that it poses a realistic threat to the Titanic? Or when your husband decides to brew his own ginger beer and the glass growler he stored it in explodes from the pressure created by the fermentation process, leaving your kitchen covered in glass shards and sticky ginger beer? (This is a real thing that happened, by the way. The solution? Ammonia. And heavy-duty rubber gloves because ouch ouch be careful out there, that glass is pernicious!)
So now that you possess the very important knowledge of how to clean ginger beer from your cabinets, lets back it up a bit and cover some basics. Starting with how to hard clean a kitchen.
Or maybe I should start with an explanation of what I mean when I say hard clean a kitchen”? Yes, lets start there.
In the industry, we differentiate forms of kitchen cleaning using the terms daily clean, hard clean, and the full monty hard clean. Okay thats a lie, theres no industry” of people like me, and we dont have terms and conferences and such, but oh, would that we did. Anyway! Those are just the terms I use, and I like em, so Im gonna keep em!
Right, so!
Daily Clean
These are, it will surprise you not to learn, the things you should do on a daily basis, allowing for adjustments if youre a person who doesnt use his or her kitchen every day. The basics are this:
Wash the dishes
Wipe down the counters
Put all foodstuffs away and throw any garbage in the trash can
Deal with any disasters as they happen
The idea is to establish a baseline of kitchen chores that allow the space to remain tidy and uninviting to critters and other pests. And, I mean, thats not too much, is it? You can wash a few dishes and give your counters a wiping without wanting to die from the crushing burden of it all, right??
That last bullet point, though . . . youll want to know more about it, wont you? It is a truism that the longer you pretend that a mess doesnt exist, the harder it will be and the more time it will take to clean up. Its completely understandable to find yourself with a spilled container of leftovers in the fridge, or a pot of tomato sauce that boiled over onto your stove, and just say, You know? To hell with this. Im going to bed.”
And while Im generally a HUGE advocate of taking to ones bed when things go wrong, in the case of giant messes, Id be remiss in my duties if I didnt tell you to allow yourself one minute in which you can huff and puff at yourself, the walls, the god who has clearly forsaken you, who- or what- ever, but when that minute is up take a deep breath and just deal with the mess right then and there.
Youll be happy you did.
Hard Clean
The hard clean is the thing youll want to do anywhere between once a week and once a month, depending on how you use your kitchen. And also, lets be honest, on your willingness to clean things. Im giving timelines here because people like them, but I also want to make sure you know that really, this is a personal choice you can and should make for yourself. Im not here to assign chores to you, just to suggest to you how and when to do things if you so desire such information.
One thing that the hard clean is not is a pantry-clearing operation. Well get to that later on down the line. The hard clean is meant to address the kitchen grime that the daily clean doesntthink greasy buildup on walls, splattered appliances, crumbs lurking in corners.
Step 1: Set aside 13 hours of your day!
Did you just do a double take? Yeah, I know. Sorry about that! But these things take time! However, the more often you clean, the less time it will take, which probably doesnt make you feel any better at all. What can I say, I tried.
The amount of time youll need to make for this process is something youll need to determine on your own. It will largely depend on the size of and relative filth situation in your kitchen. Youll also want to factor in the availability of helping hands. It bears mentioning that sometimes helping hands get in the way, so choose your helping hands wisely.
Step 2: Put on music!
The biggest mistake people make when setting out to tackle their chores is forgetting to put on music. Its basically the same theory behind listening to music at the gym: it gets you moving, perks you up, provides a rhythm to work along to. Cleaning is physical work! You will sweat! So, you know, treat big cleaning jobs just like you would a trip to the gym. Unless youre a person who skips the trip to the gym, in which case please dont treat cleaning like a trip to the gym!
Step 3: Gather your arsenal!
The cleaning products you choose depend on a few factors: what youve got on hand, personal preference, the specific needs of your kitchenfor example, granite countertops are best cleaned using products that are different from what youd use on butcher blockand what, if any, particular messes require your attention.
With that said, try to keep it simple with your products. Two, maybe three, cleansers should do it for you. Among those three youll want an abrasive, a degreaser, and an all-purpose spraypreferably one that will shine up any metal; here, Id highly recommend making your own solution of white vinegar and water. If youre more into brand-name items, Windex is great too. Specifically Windex. With apologies to the other brands of glass cleaner on the market, for my money Windex is so clearly (GET IT?? Sorry.) superior its not even worth fussing about with another product. Unless its white vinegar and water. Then you have my blessing to commit Windex adultery.
In terms of an abrasive, I use Soft Scrub, though not exclusively. Sometimes I go for Comet or Bon Ami; just understand that a powder abrasive cleaner is going to be more abrasive, and therefore more likely to scratch delicate surfaces, than is a cream abrasive cleaner. I have a deep and abiding hatred of Bar Keepers Friend, though many, many people love it so much they want to marry it, so I feel like I should mention it here. They make both a powder and a cream product. But seriously, I hate that stuff, and I know hate is a strong word BUT STILL. Its utterly irrational. (Its actually not that irrational; Ive never had any success in using it to clean things its often recommended forstainless steel and enameled cast-iron cookware, both of which I collect and care for in the way normal people care for their childrenand Im an expert cleaner, so it sends me into a mad frenzy of not understanding why and how people are loving this stuff so much.)
My degreaser of choice is ammonia, mixed with water, which I use on the regular to wipe down the cabinetry, walls, the ventilation hood, my floors, young children with sticky fingers, etc. But thats just me! If you prefer a less toxic degreaser, try mixing Dawn dish soap with warm water and using that as your cleaning solution for greasy messes. But also, youre all grown adults with values and opinions and mothers who may have imparted upon you a devotion to certain products, and so by all means, you do you.
Once youve got all your products in hand, youll need to assemble your accoutrements: A sponge, perhaps more than one. A few clean rags, swell things to have on hand. A roll of paper towels, yes, sure. BUT, BUT, BUT! Your hard clean should NOT be done with paper towels. First of all, its foolishly wasteful, which is bad for our precious Mother Earth. But more important, paper towels will not cut it for the kind of cleaning were talking about here. Youll want to have them nearby to do a final wipe-up, but youll not want to rely on them to do the majority of your work.
If you choose to use something like bleach or ammonia that needs to be diluted into a solution, youll also need a small bucket. You know what works really well for this and is kind of charming? Those plastic beach pails we all had as kidswhy not add some fun and whimsy to your cleaning routine? The other nice thing about them is that they have a handle, so you can carry your washing solution around the kitchen easily as you move from space to space.
Last but absolutely not least, youll need a pair of rubber gloves to protect your hands, Miss Scarlett!
Step 4: Clear all the things out!
All of them. Every last thing on your countertops must be moved to a secure location. Clearing everything out includes washing, drying, and putting away any dirty dishes in the sink. Now, listen, I know you, and I know youre going to try to cheat and (1) Ill know and (2) youll only end up making more work for yourself down the road if you skimp on this step. I really promise that something that will take so much less time than you think will save you so much energy and annoyance and extra work in the next stages, so just do it.
But actually here, you have a decision: does your situation call for just a surface clean, or do you require a full-on pantry purge? Probably for most of you the surface clean will suffice. Well get to the pantry purge when we tackle the full monty hard clean.
Step 5: Take a break!
Ill let you in on a secret: the hardest part is over. More or less, from here youre going to coast, and thats because you took the time to prepare. Bet you didnt see this coming, eh? So as a reward for your hard work, would you care for a cold beer or soda? I bet you would. Remember to buy some before you start this project. Youll get to make the best shopping list! Itll be like:
Soft Scrub
Sponges
Beer
Paper towels
Step 6: CLEAN!
A HUGE rule of cleaning is to always work top to bottom. If you do your floors first and then wipe off a counter full of crumbs, guess where those crumbs are going? Yeah, right on your clean floor thats no longer clean and will need to be redone. So! Start from the top and work downward. Wipe the cabinetry, then the walls and backsplashes, then the countertops, then the appliances (refrigerator, stove, microwave, etc.), ending with the floors. Because cabinet and countertop materials vary so greatly from kitchen to kitchen, a bit later in the chapter well go over the particulars of which products should be used on which cabinet and counter types. Stay tuned for a handy chart!
Leave the sink be until the very, very end of the process; the sink will serve as your home base for dumping out dirty wash water, rinsing and wringing out sponges and rags, and probably some other gross things that we dont really need to talk about. (Dead bugs. Im talking about dead bugs, you guys.)
If youre feeling really brave, you might even take a look- see at the top of your cabinets. You may discover that they are wearing a dirt sweater! I might have learned this the hard way! Prepare to be so, so, so, so, so grossed out!
Step 7: Put all the things back!
Youre so close to done! Which means its time to gather up all the things you removed to a secure location and return them to their homes. But before you do so, please consider grabbing your trash can to execute a merciless decluttering. Most normal people have a ton of junk that they dont need taking up space in their kitchensand collecting filth! Old twist ties, unopened mail, mementos from three relation- ships ago that youre holding on to because you have an utter inability to admit when something is truly over, even though youre the one who ended it and frankly youve never regretted a thing except that that ceramic lighthouse that you bought together on a trip to Maine is really just so special to you.
Put that ceramic lighthouse in the trash.
Once youve thrown away anything you dont need, take a gander at whats going back into your squeaky-clean kitchen. Are things sticky or dusty or greasy or some combination of all three? Wipe them down. A damp rag should suffice, you probably dont even need a product, but if you do thats where all-purpose cleaner comes in handy. Later on, well go through the care and keeping of small appliances, like toasters and coffeepots, so stay with me for that.
Step 8: Clean up after yourself!
But Ive just cleaned for hours!” Which is true, and Id like to take a moment to tell you that you did a great job! Hurrah for you! But you also created a little bit of a mess in that process, so: dump out the dirty washing water and rinse out your bucket, then rinse and wring out your sponges and rags. Put the cleaning products away. Throw paper towels in the trash, and tie up the bag and take it out if its full.
Last but not least: clean the sink with an all-purpose spray and a sponge; you can also use a product for stainless steel or porcelain if thats what your sink is made of. The important thing is to rid it of the dirt and grime that accumulated when you rinsed rags and dumped out cleaning.
Actually, wait, no, thats not the last step, this is the last step: take a good look at your whole kitchen. Admire your work! Isnt it amazing?? Its okay if you want to lick the countertops; we can give you two a minute alone to get intimate with each other.
Speaking of your countertops, remember how I promised you a handy chart explaining how to clean all manner of kitchen cabinet and countertop materials? Well, here it is!
Countertop/ Cabinet Type
Products to
Use
Products to Avoid
Cleaning Method
Butcher Block
White vinegar;
liquid dish soap
Too much water, which can cause splitting or warping
Apply the vinegar or soap to a damp sponge or soft cloth; wipe counters with the grain; dry thoroughly
Stainless Steel
White vinegar;
liquid dish soap
Ammonia; bleach; abrasive cleansers and/or brushes
Wipe the counters in a straight line; blot dry with a soft cloth to prevent streaking
Tile
Liquid dish soap; all- purpose cleaner; OxiClean; rubbing alcohol
Oil-based soaps;
ammonia
Wipe tile down in a circular motion; use a soft-bristled toothbrush to clean grout if necessary
Formica
All-purpose cleaner
Abrasive cleaners and/or brushes
Spray all-purpose cleaner on a soft rag and wipe counters; rinse with a clean, wet sponge or rag
Linoleum
All-purpose cleaner
Ammonia
Spray all-purpose cleaner on a soft rag and wipe counters; dry with a soft cloth
Granite
Stone soap; mild liquid dish soap and warm water
Products containing lemon, vinegar, or other acids;
scouring powders or creams
Wash with a sponge or soft cloth; rinse thoroughly so as to avoid soap buildup;
dry completely with a soft cloth
Marble
Stone soap; mild liquid dish soap and warm water
Products containing lemon, vinegar, or other acids; scouring powders or creams; rust removers
Wash with a sponge or soft cloth; rinse thoroughly so as to avoid soap buildup;
dry completely with a soft cloth
The Full Monty Hard Clean
This is the hard clean that addresses the innards of your kitchen in addition to the exterior surfaces that we addressed in the regular hard clean. You can treat these as one task or two separate projects. If your kitchen is huge and you have a vast pantry, I hate you. Oh, and also youll probably benefit from treating a cabinet/pantry cleanup as a thing you do apart from tackling the counters, appliances, sink, etc. It will save your sanity, and youll also be much more likely to complete the task if you take it on in that manner. If your kitchen and storage space are tiny, come sit by me and well weep over it together.
The instructions for a pantry clean are actually really simple, which is deceptive. Its simple, but it is most assuredly time-consuming, and far more frustrating than youd expect. This is true for two main reasons: (1) the pantry has a lot more stuff in it than youd think and (2) it requires that you throw things away, which can be agonizing for a lot of people. It feels wasteful! Ill offer this by way of advice: if something in your pantry isnt being used, its no more wasteful sitting there than it will be in your trash.
Real talk.
Just like with the regular hard clean, the first step is to take everything out of the pantry or cabinet. If youre working with multiple cabinets, consider tackling one or two at a time based on whats stored in them. If youve got no discernible order to how youve stored things, then take everything out all at once, because you should take this opportunity to make sense of things. Your life will be much easier if youre storing all your glasses together rather than jumbling them in with your dried bean and bouillon collection.
Once everything is out of the way, its time to clean all the interior surfaces. If there are a lot of crumbs and youve got one, a handheld vacuum cleaner is a good first pass. Then, using a sponge or a ragbut not paper towels because theyre not tough enough for thiswipe down the shelves, back, and sides of the cabinets. Good old soap and water is great for this! Just, like, the dish soap youve already got hanging around in your kitchen space. But if you feel you want or need something stronger, you can use an all-purpose cleaner.
If you find that you have sticky spills to contend with honey is a common offendergrab a rag and soak it in hot water, as hot as you can stand. Wring it out and press it on the honey; the hot water will liquefy it, rendering it easier to wipe up. If there are greasy spills, such as oil, ammonia is the ticket. Just be sure that youre not using another product that contains bleach, as bleach + ammonia = sudden death. Okay, not really sudden death, but the two in concert produce a lethal gas, and that is no joke. Youll hear me bang on about this again because its a super important cleaning lesson to learn: NEVER MIX BLEACH WITH AMMONIA. It will kill you. And then youll be dead, and your house wont be clean, and people will judge you, THE END.
Once the cabinets are clean, leave the doors open to allow them to dry while you turn your attention to the stuff youve taken out.
Get out your garbage pail, take a deep breath and prepare to purge, purge, purge. Check expiration dates and throw away anything past its prime. Toss out things you dont use and/or donate any unopened dry or canned goods. Try to find the joy in thisits really very freeing! If you start to get the agita over the amount of things youre getting rid of, that are going to waste, remind yourself of my earlier advice: if youre not using it, its no more wasteful in the trash can than it is in your pantry.
Then youll want to survey whats left and begin grouping things. Do this before you begin putting things away, because the size of your groupings will help you to determine where best to place them. Then, once like things are with like things, go ahead and restock your shelves. Put bulky and less-often-used items on higher shelves and the things you reach for most often in the most convenient spot. If youve got a lot of small, loose items like tea bags or sugar packets, put them in a small container to keep them from roaming about willy-nilly. If you have open bags of staples like flour and sugar, consider investing in glass or plastic storage containers to help prevent spillage. Or worse.
Which brings us to this: unfortunately, one of the circumstances under which you might find yourself needing to execute a hard clean and/or a full monty hard clean on your kitchen is if you have a critter invasion. So lets talk a bit about what to do if uninvited guests of the pestilent variety make their way into your home.
First of alland this is so important to meI dont want you to get upset with yourself if it happens. Unless you really and truly are leaving foodstuffs and garbage strewn all over the house, you didnt bring this upon yourself. Vermin and insects happen. Especially in urban areas and/or in warmer months when we often have our windows open. Butand this is equally important to meyouve really got to get right on top of things as soon as possible. The instinct to flee or pretend like nothing is wrong is one that you must fight, fight, fight. And when youre done fighting that, youll get right into fighting off the invaders. Like youre a Viking or something. Just think of it that way. You have my permission to wear one of those plastic horned Viking helmets if it will make you feel better about things.
Given the pesty nature of critters, it should come as no surprise to learn that different sorts of bugs and vermin require different elimination strategies. So well take them by type and then scream and pull at our hair and then pour a stiff drink because shudderrrrrrrr.
Critter
Character Traits
What He Loves
What He Hates
Pantry Moth
Brown, winged
creatures
Insidious things
Grains
Plastic, cardboard, and foil containers/ wrappers that he can chew through
Cupboard moth traps
Bay leaves
Essential oils such as peppermint, eucalyptus, tea tree, or citronella
Glass or metal containers
Fruit Fly
Winged
Reproductively
blessed
Not very smart
Cannot swim
Fruit
Wine
Beer
Apple-cider
vinegar
Wine, beer, apple-cider vinegar, or fruit juice in a jar or high-sided bowl with a few drops of dish soap. Fruit flies are
attracted to the liquid and
fly into the trap. The dish soap coats their wings, rendering them unable to fly out to safety, and they will drown. That got kind of sad.
Ant
Lives in
colonies
Sends out scouts to check out your homebeware the lone ant!
Enjoys marching, particularly two by two
Sugar
Greasy foods/
residue
Ant baits
Ant insecticide aerosols
Boric acid
Pepper
Cinnamon
Peppermint
Salt
Bay leaves
Cockroach
Night owls
Reproductively
blessed
Disease and bacteria carriers
Vile, pestilent
things
Prone to
skittering
Coffee
Water
All foodstuffs
Roach Motels
Boric acid*
Bay leaves
*W hen using boric acid, less is more, as roaches and other critters will walk around it if the powder is piled too high. A thin lining of boric acid along baseboards and such will suffice!
Silverfish
Silvery, a half
inch long
Night owls
Dark, wet
places
Starchy foods
Sugar
Wallpaper
paste
Books, paper, and natural fibers
Mold and
fungus
CimeXa Insecticide Dust
D-Fense Dust
Intice Granular Bait
Dekko Silverfish Paks
Critter
Character Traits
What He Loves
What He Hates
Centipede
Leggy
Fast-moving
Moist
environments
Clutter
The dark
Bedbugs, silverfish, spiders, termites, roaches centipedes eat em!
Aerosol insecticides
Sticky traps
The bottom of your shoe
Spider
Hangs out in a
web
Leggy
Other insects
Diatomaceous earth
Eucalyptus
The bottom of your shoe
Mouse
Scurrying, furry, beady- eyed hell demons
Your food
supply
Warmth
Glue traps
Mouse poison
Peppermint oil and mint
leaves
Ammonia
Cats
I think Im going to stop here. You probably already have. Thats so sad; theres still so much book to read! So, hey, how about we talk about something more fun? Like doing your dishes? Wait, whats that? You dont think thats at all fun? Mmm-hmm, well see about that.
Your Sinks and Dishes
I can hear you now. Heres what you sound like, Holy crap, this lady still has more to say about cleaning kitchens?? Im exhausted just reading this, how can I be expected to actually do this stuff when Im in such a state??