Synopses & Reviews
Get ready for the read of your life. Never before has a single book combined awesome vans, unicorns, Billy Joel, and erotic fiction in such a potent combination. A writing tour de force? Perhaps. A reading experience that will sear itself into your consciousness like a red-hot branding iron? Without question.
Comedian and basic cable superstar Michael Ian Black unleashes the full fury of his astonishing intellect in this collection of short comic essays. My Custom Van is a no-holds-barred assault to the funny bone that will literally beat you into submission with hilarity*.
How did he do it? How did he create such a fine anthology? Answer: With love. Michael opened his heart and used the magical power of love to write more than fifty thought-provoking essays like, "Why I Used a Day-Glo Magic Marker to Color My Dick Yellow," and "An Open Letter to the Hair Stylist Who Somehow Convinced Me to Get a Perm When I Was in Sixth Grade."
Maybe you think love is not a substitute for "good writing skills" and "spell check." Bull pucky! When it comes to writing books, love is the most powerful word processor of all.
Sounds pretty great, right? And yet...something is still holding you back from paying the full purchase price of this book. What is it? Perhaps you secretly believe you do not deserve a book this good. Nonsense -- you deserve this book and so much more. In fact, if Michael could have written you all the stars in the sky, that's what he would have done. But he couldn't do that, due to his lack of knowledge in the area of astronomy. So he wrote this book instead.
And this flap copy.
* Michael Ian Black is not responsible for any actual injuries caused by reading this book.
About the Author
Michael Ian Black is a writer, comedian, and actor who has created and starred in many television series, including Michael and Michael Have Issues, Stella, and The State. He also starred in the NBC television show Ed and on VH1’s I Love The... series. He wrote the screenplay for the film Run, Fatboy, Run and wrote and directed the film Wedding Daze. Michael regularly tours the country as a stand-up comedian and is the bestselling author of the book My Custom Van (and 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face) and the children’s books Chicken Cheeks, The Purple Kangaroo, A Pig Parade Is a Terrible Idea, I’m Bored, Naked!, and Cock-a-Doodle-Doo-Bop. Michael lives in Connecticut with his wife and two children.
Table of Contents
Foreword by Abraham Lincoln
What I Would Be Thinking If I Were Billy Joel Driving to a Holiday Party Where I Knew There Was Going to Be a Piano
One Day, I'm Going to Open a Scented Candle Shoppe
Why I've Decided to Go Blonde
A Series of Letters to a Squirrel
Join Our Club!
Hey, David Sedaris -- Why Don't You Just Go Ahead and Suck It?
Erotic Fiction: The Elevator
A College Application Essay to Harvard That Might Have Been Written by a High School Senior Who Has Absolutely No Chance of Getting Accepted
Vampires -- Good for the Economy?
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Meeting People More Famous Than You
My Custom Van
A Meditation on Salami
Now We Will Join Forces, You and I
Using the Socratic Method to Determine What It Would Take for Me to Voluntarily Eat Dog Shit for the Rest of My Life
Why I Used a Day-Glo Magic Marker to Color My Dick Yellow
Announcing the Imminent Arrival of the Handlebar Mustache Certain People Said I'd Never Be Able to Grow
Erotic Fiction: The Beach
When I Finally Get Around to Building My Robot, This Is What It Will Be Like
A Description of Myself for a Dating Service If I Were a Chicken
A Series of Letters to the First Girl I Ever Fingered
How I Might Address My Players at Halftime If I Were a Self-Loathing High School Football Coach in a Game Where We Were Losing 49-3
How I Might Address My Players at Halftime If I Were a Self-Loathing High School Football Coach in a Game Where We Were Winning 49-3
Testing the Infinite Monkey Probability Theorem
This Is How I Party
A Suicide Note
Stan the Oracle
Lewis Black Hates Candy Corn: A Rebuttal
I No Longer Love You, Magic Unicorn
Some DJ Names I've Been Considering
I Have an Indomitable Spirit
Incident at the Torpedo
Good Skiing Form
An Open Letter to the Hairstylist Who Somehow Convinced Me to Get a Perm When I Was in Sixth Grade
Instructions for the Cleaning Lady
How to Approach the Sensitive Question: Anal?
Do Not Buy Tundra from a Door-to-Door Salesman
DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!!!
Erotic Fiction: The Mad Scientist
A Series of Letters to Celine Dion's Husband, René Angélil
A Few Words About My Jug Band
Chapter 19 of My Science Fiction Epic, The Pirates of Dagganon 6, Which I Am Only Able to Write Because of a Generous Grant from the Makers of Barq's Root Beer
My Top 50 New Year's Resolutions
In Conclusion: A First Draft of the Acceptance Speech I Plan to Give Upon Receiving Some Kind of Important Literary Prize for Writing This Book