Chapter One PARENTS AND CHILDREN
Myth offers us a vast array of stories about parent -- child relationships. From the hilarious squabblings of the Olympian gods to the tragic destinies of kingly dynasties, the human imagination has always found both solace and enlightenment in creating tales about mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, and the mystery of what binds us together through unbreakable emotional cords. There is no parent -- child dilemma that does not have a mythic counterpart, and no resolution of conflict that is not reflected in mythic tales.
Thetis and Achilles
Great expectations
THE FIRST OF OUR FAMILY MYTHS TELLS US ABOUT HOW PARENTS EXPECT NOTHING LESS THAN EVERYTHING FROM THEIR CHILDREN. PERHAPS THE MOST IMPORTANT THEME IN THIS GREEK STORY IS THE AMBITION THETIS HAS FOR HER CHILD -- SHE WANTS HIM TO BE A GOD. THIS STORY HAS A SAD ENDING, BUT IT CONVEYS PROFOUND INSIGHT INTO THE SECRET HOPES, DREAMS AND LONGINGS WE MAY UNKNOWINGLY ASK OUR CHILDREN TO CARRY -- SOMETIMES TO THEIR COST.
Thetis was the great goddess of the sea and ruled over all that moved in its depths. But it was time she married, and Zeus, king of the gods, had received a prophecy that, if Thetis married a god, she would bear a son who would be greater than Zeus himself. Worried about losing his position, Zeus espoused the sea-goddess to a mortal man called Peleus. This mixed marriage was not unsuccessful, and the two settled down relatively comfortably -- although Peleus sometimes resented his wife's supernatural powers, and Thetis sometimes felt she had married beneath her station.
In time, Thetis bore a son, whom she called Achilles. Because he was fathered by a mortal, he was a mortal child, allotted his time on earth by the Fates, as are all mortal beings. But Thetis was not content with this prospect. Being immortal herself, she did not wish to remain eternally young while watching her son grow old and die. So she secretly carried the newborn child to the River Styx, in whose waters lay the gift of immortality. She held the child by one heel and dipped him in the waters, believing thereby that she had made him immortal. But the heel by which she held him remained untouched by the waters of Styx, and therefore Achilles was vulnerable through this one place.
When he reached adulthood and fought in the Trojan War, Achilles received his death wound through an arrow in the heel. Although Achilles achieved great glory and was remembered forever, Thetis could not cheat the Fates, nor turn that which was human into the stuff of the gods.
COMMENTARY: Many parents unconsciously wish their children to be divine, although usually not as literally as Thetis. We do not hope that our children will live forever, but we may want them to be better than other children, more beautiful, more gifted, more brilliant, unique and special, and exempt from the ordinary limitations of life. No child can live up to such unconscious expectations, and any child may suffer because his or her ordinary humanity is overlooked in the parents' strenuous efforts to produce something superhuman. We may also hope that our children will somehow redeem us -- make good what we ourselves have spoiled, or live out what we have been denied in life. We may make sacrifices in the hope that our children will provide meaning for our own lives, rather than allowing them to live theirs. And when they stumble and fall, as all humans do, or show insufficient gratitude for our efforts, we may feel outraged and disappointed. All this can be read into the story of Thetis and Achilles.
Thetis, the goddess mother who wants her child to be divine like her rather than mortal like his father, is also an image of a certain attitude towards mothering. If a mother wishes to wholly possess her child, and is unwilling or unable to share the child's love, then many problems may ensue. The marriage of Thetis and Peleus, with Achilles as its progeny, portrays a marriage in which there is an imbalance between the parents. Thetis feels superior to Peleus and hopes that her child will take after her. This is a common enough dilemma; we may secretly fantasize a child's identity, rather than recognizing that two parents have contributed to the child's existence. This can happen when a marriage is unhappy or unfulfilled. Fathers may also idealize their daughters as Thetis does her son, and may unconsciously strive to separate mother and daughter so that no outsider can mar the unity of the father-daughter bond. (See Orion and Oenopion, pages 19-22.)
All these are dilemmas of parenting which, rather than being pathological, are merely human. But myths are about human beings, even when their main characters are gods. How do we deal with these issues of over-expectation and possessiveness? If we bring children into the world, we owe them fairness and justice in our emotional dealings with them. First and foremost, we need to be conscious of our hidden feelings. If we know we are expecting too much from our children, we can show them love even when they are not achieving what we hope, and we can also encourage them to follow the path of their own hearts and souls rather than the one we ourselves wish we could have followed. Feelings which are conscious and contained do not destroy. Unconscious feelings, which result in unconscious behavior, can cause great injury to a child. No parent's life is perfect and we all harbor unrealistic hopes for our children. This is human and natural. But our children are not divine, nor are they on this earth for our greater glory or the redemption of our own lives. In the marriage of Thetis and Peleus, created through the wisdom of Zeus, lies a profound image of the mixture of human and divine which stands behind every human being's origin. Every child partakes of both. If we can remember this and allow our offspring to be the humans that they are, then this ancient myth can help us to be wiser and more generous parents.
Hera and Hephaistos
The ugly duckling
THE STORY OF HERA AND HEPHAISTOS IS ANOTHER TALB ABOUT PARENTAL EXPECTATIONS. HERE IT IS NOT IMMORTALITY THAT IS EXPECTED OF THE CHILD, BUT RATHER PHYSICAL BEAUTY BEFITTING AN OLYMPIAN. UNLIKE MANY STORIES OF THE GODS. THIS ONE HAS A HAPPY ENDING -- HEPHAISTOS IS ULTIMATELY RECOGNIZED FOR HIS GREAT TALENT AND IS GIVEN AN HONORED PLACE IN THE FAMILY. BUT HE MUST SUFFER TO EARN THIS PLACE, AND HIS SUFFERING IS UNJUST.
Zeus and Hera, king and queen of the gods, conceived their son Hephaistos in an excess of passion before they were married. Sadly, this child was born ill-made. His feet were twisted, and his stumbling gait and dislocated hips aroused the unquenchable laughter of all the immortals when he walked among them. Hera, ashamed that with all her beauty and grandeur she should produce such an imperfect progeny, tried to rid herself of him. She threw him from the heights of Olympus into the sea, where he was taken in by Thetis, ruler of the sea.
For nine years, the boy remained hidden away beneath the waters. But Hephaistos was as gifted as he was ugly, and he spent the time forging a thousand ingenious objects for his friends the sea-nymphs. He was also, understandably, furious at the treatment he had received and, as he grew stronger in body and mind, he planned a cunning revenge. One day Hera received a gift from her absent son -- an exquisite golden throne, beautifully wrought and decorated. She sat on it with delight, but, when she tried to rise again, she was suddenly gripped by invisible bands. In vain the other gods tried to extricate her from the throne. Only Hephaistos was capable of releasing her, but he refused to leave the depths of the ocean. The war-god Ares, his irascible brother, tried to drag him up by force, but Hephaistos threw burning brands at him. Dionysus, Hephaistos' half-brother and god of wine, was more succe