Chapter One
The Dark Side of Wealth
Youre at a party. Someone asks you casually, "So, what do you do?"
Most people just answer the question. But you're different, both in your
circumstances and in your reaction. You experience a sense of panic, "Oh,
no, not again! I hate that question!" You try to think of how to
make a hobby sound like a profession. Words such as nothing, parasite, fraud,
and lost soul leap to mind, along with concerns over how to make
yourself sound like a responsible adult.
"Oh, I do a lot of things
," you reply finally with a weak smile.
You almost add resentfully, "Well, I have money. I dont have to
do anything."
Instead, you deflect attention from yourself by asking quickly, "And
what is it you do?" suddenly feeling foolish and very self-conscious,
the mood of the moment ruined. You hear little of the reply as you ask yourself
miserably, "Does it show how little I do that is of any real value?"
An extreme reaction to an innocent circumstance? You may well think so,
for unless youre an inheritor you may find it hard to relate to this story.
But if you have inherited substantial wealth, then you know that it is harder
for you than for most people to achieve a sense of purpose and an extensive
sense of competence.
They have experienced and successfully
navigated through what I call the
Dark Side of wealth.
For you, there is good news. It is possible for the wealthy to have
such a conversation with confidence and enthusiasm. It might take some work
to reach this place of guilt-free acceptance of your material ease, but it can
be done.
The first step is to ask yourself, "What do I want to do?"
Not "What do I have to do to be at peace with my wealth since most
other people have to work hard for everything they have?"
When you deliberately ask yourself, "What is it I want?"
other questions must follow to illuminate the path: "What do I already
do that I enjoy and that is fulfilling to me?" "What other things
would I like to try?" "Is there any reason why I cant do them?"
If you have an interest that you are aware of, then the question becomes,
"Do I know anyone who could be my mentor in this?"
Asking yourself these questions is part of a step-by-step process through
which you can intentionally structure what you do with your time. And, by so
doing, build your sense of purpose in the world.
It can be done. People just like you and me are doing it all the time.
In the process, they are refusing to accept the personal limitations imposed
on them when they received what the outside world regards as a windfall.
They have experienced and successfully navigated through what I call the
Dark Side of wealth.
Rebecca is a beautiful thirty-year-old woman whose inherited fortune
has kept her childlike in every way but physically. Her name and here have been
fictionalized, as have the names and stories of the rest of the people depicted
in this book, in order to protect their privacy. During our first session, my
immediate reactionwhich I later saw as a classic example of countertransferencewas
a strong desire to protect her. As she continued in therapy with me, I had to
fight the urge to give her a crash course in the realities of life while sheltering
her the whole time.
Aimless, easily led, and transparently shallow, Rebecca remained unmotivated
in therapy, sometimes canceling appointments well ahead of their scheduled dates.
And although her stated objective was to determine what to do with her life,
her usual affect was unfeigned apathy.
Her father was a strong person, she reported, with whom she had a positive
connection, but none of her relationships with other men had lasted very long
or had been very deep. Her immediate goal, she said, was marriage and a family
with a partner who would respect and care for her.
Treatment consisted primarily of engaging her intellect and emotions
in order to heighten the awareness of her present lifestyle in all its dimensions,
attitudes, and behaviors. The sessions ended after thirteen months when she
traveled to California to pursue a graduate program of study and to explore
a relationship that seemed promising to her at the time.
Professional observations: Ive had several of these aimless clients
and Im always surprised that they come in at all. They tend to be likeable
but challenging to me as a therapist. Certainly it is easier to work with more
motivated individuals, and I have to remind myself that those who feel apathetic
and purposeless (one of the common traits of children of wealth) deserve as
much of a chance to fulfill themselves as anyone else.
For them, I can be a hand, reaching in to help them out of something
they don't even realize surrounds them: the spirit-sapping dark side of wealth.
Other inheritors feel a need to work, yet they haven't found a way to do
it that seems right.
Michelle is a case in point. She became my client when she was thirty-five,
an inheritor whose father had been hugely successful in business. She herself
had already started three very labor-intensive businesses. She was busy working
most of the time, even though her father would give her money from her trusts
whenever she wanted it. She felt she should be successful in business too. Sometimes
her friends asked her, "Why do you work so hard? You dont have to work at all."
She didnt really have an answer, except to say that she wanted to. What she
told me was that she felt pressured to work hard, and she recognized that the
pressure came from within herself. She was hoping to ease up on it, but she
didnt know how.
Professional observations: Sometimes daughters as well as sons feel driven
by their fathers big shadow to work as hard as he did (or does), and this pressure
may be coming entirely from within. Often, inheritors believe they must do everything
better than anyone else. After all, theyve been given a big leg-up in life
with all their opportunities and wealth. Surely, they think, the cynics of the
world would need greater proof from them than from everyone else that they are
worthwhile people.
Trying to provide that proof, and always failing to live up to your own
impossible standards, is one of the darkest corners of the dark side of wealth.
My inspiration to write this book came from different challenges than the
ones presented in these stories. For years, I had been drawn into conversations
at parties, on airplanes, during my childrens sporting events, virtually everywhere
I met new people, with the conversational gambit, "So, what do you do?"
And my reaction was always the same.
Immediately, Id ascertain what time it was and determine how soon I could
finish talking with this individual while remaining civil. If I had no time,
Id simply reply, "Mainly, Im a mom. I have two young children."
If I had a few moments to spare and felt there was a reason to impart the nature
of my profession, Id add, "Im also a psychotherapist, and I help people with
the challenges of wealth." Then Id leave some space for the person to
make a bit of sense out of my morsel of information.
I bring this up now because I believe many will misunderstand the premise
of this book. Im used to seeing people visibly confused as they ponder what
challenges financial abundance could possibly impose: "Poor little rich
kids? Give me a break!"
Im also well aware that many in our society resent the rich. One of my
objectives, therefore, is to shed light on the dark side of wealth to enlighten
the intellectually curious while offering healing to the objects of their curiosityin
the hope that this awareness and understanding will bring compassion.
This books caution, then, is about the impoverishment
of the human spirit that material wealth can bring,
for no one gets a free ride through life,
particularly those who believe they deserve one
simply because they have the price of a ticket.
A favorite fantasy for those who arent wealthy is what their lives would
be like if they were. Certainly, its not hard to see that being able
to pay the bills and, beyond that, being able to afford all of ones material
desires would seem an incredibly freeing situation. The Catch-22, however, is
that there is much more to being wealthy than attaining financial ease, and
this "much more" bears its own price. For some, that price is deceptively huge.
Financial abundance typically encompasses time-consuming decisions regarding
investments, legal entities, philanthropy, relationships, and work, to name
a few concerns. Yes, these decisions can be handled well, but not without considerable
time and effort. For instance, let's look at an apparently straightforward example.
Let's say you receive a fortune, clearly more than you could possibly ever need
for your own expenses. Soon, your very bright, motivated, and deserving best
friend asks you to foot the bill for the education he has always coveted.
You must decide how to answer this request. You could just say no, and
then you would have to decide how to handle your feelings (perhaps of guilt,
selfishness, or callousness) and their effect on the relationship with your
friend. Or you could say yes, and then you would have to decide how to
foot the bill. Is it a gift? Is it a loan? Is it a loan that turns into a gift
after a certain period of time? After how long? What will be best for your friendship?
Is the relationship the most important element of your decision?
The challenge is to handle many complicated decisions wellvery complex
choices that nothing in this society has prepared us for. Otherwise you will
end up psychologically running, hiding, or feeling isolated.
Furthermore, far from buying happiness and contentment, money tends to
exacerbate rather than end "the heartache and the thousand natural shocks
that flesh is heir to," in Shakespeares immortal words, particularly in
our society where money is often a steadfast end rather than a necessary means
and, for many, even a religion.
"To the extent that the delight in money becomes a transcendent faith,"
points out Lewis H. Lapham in his outspoken, irreverent book, Money and Class
in America, "the converts to the worlds leading religion imagine
that money stands as surrogate for all the other denominations of human currencyfor
love, work, art, play, and thought. Believing that they can buy the future and
make time stand still, the faithful fall victim to a nameless and stupefying
dread."
This books focus, therefore, is not on the illusory delights that money
can buy but on the hard work and tough decisions required to live life fully
as a wealthy person. Furthermore, it is about the excitement and fulfillment
reaped by those who meet the challenges well.
Stephen, forty-five, would never be a psychotherapy client, mostly because
its unlikely he would concede his need for this kind of help. He epitomizes
a large group of outwardly successful people, primarily men, many of whom constitute
the "new" wealth of today, having set their financial sights high
in the greed-driven years of the 1980s. They well may have targeted their lives
long before then, but it was in the decades of the 80s and 90s that they
achievedand, in some cases, surpassedtheir most cherished dreams of material
success.
Now, as they try to ease their work loads to enjoy the rightful fruits
of their labor, they typically dont feel the sense of fulfillment they expected.
Nor do they understand what is missing from their lives. True to their core
beliefs, they assume subconsciously that since they dont feel what they thought
they would feel or should feel, obviously they need more money. Sometimes they
go at it again, even harder.
Stephen is a first-generation American from a large Neopolitan family,
whom I met when we were seated next to each other at a dinner party. Although
his initial conversation consisted mostly of jokes, many of them cynical, beneath
the humor I detected a serious foundation riddled by ambition. As we talked,
it became clear to me he was used to success, having acquired it easily. In
fact, he now expected it as his proper due. It was also obvious he had decided
at an early age to attain great financial rewards. His whole family had struggled
their entire lives and changing his own destiny had become an all-consuming
mission.
Friendly, outgoing, attractive to look at, and immediately engaging
Stephen had become an insurance salesman and excelled at it. His annual income
after taxes, he proudly revealed, exceeded $200,000, which he now maintained
by working only half-time. He had married late, he told me, had two young children,
and bragged that their life together was going to be "perfect."
He intended to make sure his children had everything they ever needed
or wanted. When I asked him whether he was worried they would become spoiled,
he nonchalantly dismissed my concern and I remember thinking to myself, "Hes
going to give them every material thing he didnt have himself at an early age.
He believes thats all he has to do to make them happy. Doesnt he see the trouble
ahead?" But plainly he didnt.
Stephen complained about not having people to play golf with now that
hed worked his way up to where he had plenty of weekday time to indulge his
favorite sport. It was frustrating, he remarked, and didnt seem fair. I also
gathered from observing his wife that he had married "up" and I wondered
if he hadnt also used his friends and relations to further his career.
Listening to him, I was tempted to ask why he didnt play golf with
his wife, since she didnt work and would (happily, maybe) be available. Or
why he didnt share his ample leisure time with his children. I wondered, instead,
about the intimacyor lack of itin his marriage. Talking with Stephen, my sense
of him was that of a frustrated, lost person, confused that his easy financial
success didnt automatically bring him happiness and contentment as well but
had led him instead to emotional poverty.
Professional observations: Stephen is a prime example of successful
business people who have plainly "arrived," but at a place that is
dismayingly empty. This void, he must bring himself to realize, cannot be filled
by all the money in the worldbut instead with love, spirituality, and emotional
intimacy. Many people like Stephen havent felt the need to examine their values,
priorities, or attitudes. Or to look inside themselves for the fulfillment they
desire and think they richly deserve. Increasingly dissatisfied and lonely,
they havent yet realized that their answers lie in spiritualnot physicalattainments
and in improving the quality of their daily lives with those closest to them.
Stephen is creating a legacy for his children which reaches far beyond money.
If he is fortunate, he will become concerned about the entire scope of his childrens
inheritance.
If not, he will plunge them into the dark side of wealth.
This books caution, then, is about the impoverishment of the human spirit
that material riches can bring, for no one gets a free ride through life, particularly
those who believe they deserve one simply because they have the price of a ticket.
"Life is difficult," M. Scott Peck makes eminently clear in his monumental
best-seller, The Road Less Traveled. These are the books opening
words and its guiding premise. Life is a series of emotional and spiritual
challenges, Dr. Peck assures us, and enlightened disciplinenot more moneyis
our basic tool for coping with its problems and achieving our happiness and
fulfillment.
The bottom line is that were all dealt a hand of cards at birth. Our success
in life is based on how we play those cards, not on the number of chips were
given to play them.
Because Im an inheritor myself, with many friends and acquaintancesincluding
most of my clientswho are inheritors as well, I have collected a fair amount
of firsthand knowledge about the benefits and pitfalls of wealth, its bounties,
its perils, and its luxuries, and the silken threads of tyranny those seductive
luxuries can weave. What's more, I've discovered there are few resources for
people who have experienced the dark side of wealth. Their problems are invisible
to most of the professional community, their challenges unacknowledged by society
at large, their pains and difficulties untended by the normal systems that comfort
those who are born in other circumstances. This is curious because our affluent
society is turning people over to this emotional limbo with incredible speed
and abandoning them in this place where fulfillment is said to be abundant yet
is almost impossible to find.
I grew up in an environment of affluence, so I have an intimate, firsthand
knowledge of the issues explored in this book. Again, though they might seem
ludicrous to some, I assure you the challenges are quite real and can be painful
to inheritors, for whom I bear much compassion and admiration for confronting
their endemic challenges.
Approaching the meridian of my life,
I contemplated my own hellish journey to the dark side and back,
accepting that the trip down had been entirely of my own making,
with Satan, no doubt, right there, cheering me on.
Before writing this book, however, I first had to sort through my reasons
for wanting to do so. What were my real motivations? What could I hope to accomplish?
Well, my own healing, for one thing. Approaching the meridian of my life, I
contemplated my own hellish journey to the dark side and back, accepting that
the trip down had been entirely of my own making, with Satan, no doubt, right
there, cheering me on.
The destructive choices I made were of my own free will, but so were the
restorative decisions I made on the arduous journey back, eased by the compassionate
friends and professional healers who came into my life and helped me make it
infinitely better. The real recovery began when I embraced my spirituality,
when I realized the critical need to nurture my relationship with God if I was
to right myself and achieve the strong, positive life I wanted.
I stumbled seriously at times, particularly in the early going, falling
often, sometimes sliding backwards, before picking myself up to recontinue the
dogged journey. Always, though, there was the certainty that I would succeed,
born of the awareness that I had to lead my life according to Gods will if
I was going to become the person I desperately wanted to be. Since then, the
healing has been remarkable, consisting of a recovery I wanted to fully fathom
and offer to others in their own struggles. Since I was able to make this journey,
others can too. I believe this with all my heart.
I hope to bequeath some of what Ive learned and to nurture, counsel, and
guide others on their own paths out of the darkness. I cant imagine a greater
privilege than the work I do, to be trusted enough to be allowed into the deepest
recesses of peoples hearts and psyches, to be able to help facilitate their
most cherished hopes and dreams.
Each of us has a god, whether or not we acknowledge it,
whether or not we can name it.
It is simply who or what you value most in life.
For those of you who doubt you can achieve the same faith that I did or
call on your relationship with your own god, it is important to think about
what the word god means. Each of us has a god, whether or not we acknowledge
it, whether or not we can name it. It is simply who or what you value most in
life. What do you think about when making any important decision? What is your
greatest resource? Is it money, family, of control? Is it the God of the Bible,
the Torah, or another spiritual tradition? Whatever you find as the biggest
presence when you search your life, there you will find your god.
And though I remind myself often that I am a psychotherapist, not a spiritual
teacher, I remain steadfast in my belief that a strong, healthy spiritual life
is of vital importance and that the greatest challenge of wealth is spiritual.
. . .
"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle,
than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God. . . .
but with God all things are possible."Matthew 19:2426
I want to say, too, that I dont think money is either good or bad. It
is a resource, like any other, which we can use for the attainment of our personal
goals. It is simply neutral, possessing no moral value whatsoever. Yet, in our
highly materialistic society, many people ascribe morality to money, and most,
certainly, to wealth. Material riches present us with a unique spiritual challenge:
that we distinguish moral values from money¾ and recognize that, in and
of itself, money is neutral in nature. Whether money is "good" or
"bad" depends on the purpose for which the user is engaging it.
To see how great that challenge is, one need look no further than the Bible.
In Matthew 19, verses 2324, Jesus cautions, "Truly I say to you, it is
hard for a rich person to enter the kingdom of heaven," and then he immediately
stresses, "And again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through
the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God."
Reading these verses for the first time as an adult, having acquired precious
little maturity by then, I was terribly disheartened. "A camel through
the eye of a needle! How could that be possible?" I asked myself
dejectedly. As I read on, however, I saw that Jesus promptly assured his disciples,
who were astonished by His words as I was ". . . but with God all things
are possible" (Matthew 19:26). This last phrase in is the key to Jesus
teaching here. His disciples and I were dwelling on the letter, not the spirit,
of the law. Jesus was talking about what happens when you focus on temporal
wealth rather than on treasure in Heaven.
Later, in John 3:16, I read, "For God so loved the world that He gave
His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish,
but have eternal life" (italics mine). I realized then that the God I know would
not exclude me from the kingdom of God purely on the basis of my inherited wealth.
And so my own spiritual challenge began with the resolve to learn where those
startling words in Matthew could lead me. How on earth could I become the person
God intended despite the financial wealth bestowed on me?
Like most inheritors, I have been presented with an unusual opportunity
in life. On the one hand, I have the financial ease to apply myself to being
receptive to Gods will for me, to act in the ways God directs me. On the other
hand, I also have the financial ease to be very self-indulgent. God gives me
a lot of choices. By making the right ones, I can truly honor God. I can contribute
something large or small to society. This is the opportunity that wealth provides.
It is the same for all inheritors. Recognizing this opportunity is the
first step away from the dark side toward personal fulfillment.
On the one hand, I was dismally impressed
by more than a few elderly men and
women I had encountered who possessed
many millions of dollars yet seemed to
be sour, unfulfilled individuals.
How, you might ask, did I decide on the specialization of my work? Many
factors came into play. Among the early ones were two attitudes about wealth
that struck me forcibly, one the complete opposite of the other.
On one hand, I was dismally impressed by more than a few elderly men and
women I had encountered who possessed many millions of dollars yet seemed to
be sour, unfulfilled individuals. They were convinced that virtually everyone
in the world was out to get their money, including all financial and legal professionals,
every fund-raising organization, as well as most relatives, strangers, and even
close friends. On the whole, this was a small group of fearful, cynical, wretched
malcontents.
I remember talking with a woman in her early forties who had recently divorced
and wound up with ten million dollars. She was miserable and bitter over having
"completely lost" her former lifestyle. She regarded her settlement
as leftover change, fixating on the luxurious trips she now could not take,
on the exotic vacation homes in faraway places she no longer could afford. Her
Mercedes was more than a year old, she complained, and she should be replacing
it with a new one, but she was afraid to spend the money. I couldnt believe
how totally negative her attitude was.
On the other hand, immediately after my conversation with her, I listened
to an elementary-school teacher speak to a group of around fifty parents. I
knew this mans salary was modest in the eyes of the world and that his wife
wasnt employed, except "in the home" caring for their children. He
had received honors for his teaching excellence, which is why he was addressing
us on this occasion. In the course of the evening, he said something I will
never forget.
"I have the best job in the world, teaching third graders,"
he told his captivated audience. "I absolutely cannot imagine a greater
privilege or more personally rewarding work. I honestly dont know why everyone
doesnt want to teach third grade." His face shone with delight as he spoke,
and there was no mistaking the passion and fulfillment he felt.
And so I began asking myself, "What is wealth?" What I
came up with is that attitude determines the answer. Attitude is the
largest part of the equation in reconciling the circumstances of true wealth.
Perhaps its the whole equation.
. . .
One of the main influencers of peoples attitudes is pain. The reactions
and responses to pain run the gamut, and attitudes can be built or destroyed
by pain. Some of us have a low threshold for emotional pain, and often we find
ourselves growing because of this pain.
For some people, emotional pain is ever-present and oh-so-familiar, but
awareness of it is lacking. Outsiders can see the pain, and in fact, it may
look to them like it would be easy for the person to just give up the pain.
But sometimes when there is a great sense of entitlement and little self-discipline,
the motivation to grow just isnt there. After all, the attitude of entitlement
feels like a power base. This attitude often masks the pain and seems to bury
the psychological discomforts behind a wall.
The problem is that since the assumption of entitlement is a false power
base, it carries with it a hidden burden¾ hidden because what feels like
power is actually hollow.
Tess came into my office to work through some very difficult issues in her
family of origin. She was forty-two when I met her, and in giving me her personal
history, she clearly identified the major turning point of her life. Her gratitude
for this experience was evident even before she started telling the story.
She had grown up in a wealthy family where relationships were poor. She
had been given a lot of opportunities, and the family had created trusts in
her name. During her twenties she had a rough relationship history. In fact,
it was so rough that when she was thirty-one and a friend suggested that she
attend a residential program which was set up to help people get their lives
on track, she decided to sign up. The location of the program was on a remote
island, and the leaders were "teachers." Looking back on the experience, she
realized that these teachers were actually skilled therapistseven though they
didnt call themselves therapistsand that she had been blessed with their commitment
to help others and with the talent and skills they had to offer.
Within a week of arriving, she was in a session with her "Basic" group when
her teacher, Barry Fisher, in response to a comment she made, said, "You are
an ingrate. You are a spoiled brat. And until you give up those attitudes, you
will not have the life you want." She was stunned. He had said it with such
love, strength, and truth that she knew he was right. She felt the tears welling
up and could hardly hold herself together for the rest of that session. She
made it back to her cabin and sat and cried on the front step and then cried
for two more days. The tears, she explained to me, were tears of despair and
fear. Tess knew that Barry was right about her ungrateful attitudes and spoiled-brat
behaviors, but she was used to being who she wasshe didnt know how to be any
other way.
She had the fear that things had to be the way they were in her life.
Being from a well-known prominent family, she was used to people being deferential
to her. She was used to having the best seats at every performance, a brand-new
car whenever she wanted one, and others paying her way just because they were
so honored to be with her. She had an awareness of being on top socially and
felt that this was where she belonged. The question she struggled with was,
"If I didnt have to have everything the best and the way I want it, wouldnt
that mean I would be a loser?" She felt terrified to give up any of her "rights."
After letting her think about it for two days, Barry walked up to her cabin
and sat down on the step beside her. He said, "So, howre you doing?" Tess answered,
"I feel bad." Barrywhose nickname, she later found out, was "Bottom Line Barry"said,
"Are you ready to work?" She said, "Well, I dont know
" Barry stood up to leave,
and seeing that, she added, "No, wait!" He stopped and turned around, so she
continued, "Its just that if I give up who I have been, I dont know who Ill
be." He said, "Right, thats your fear. I know who youll be. Youll be that
beautiful person youve kept locked up inside of you." Tess knew that again
he was right, and she found the courage to say, "OK, Im ready to work." She
stayed for four months, worked harder than she had worked in her life on anything,
and made it all the way through the "Advanced" group.
Professional observations: Most people who are allowed to grow up without
gratitude, appreciation, and humility have little if any awareness of their
attitudes and behaviors. It is unusual for an inheritor to acquire that awareness
and have the motivation and the self-discipline to give up destructive attitudes.
It happens when an inheritor gets into more pain than he or she is willing to
live with. Tess was fortunate that she found great guidance and support in giving
up ingratitude and bratty behaviors, and she was able to begin the wonderful
journey of becoming the person she had always known secretly was there inside
of her.
"When do people finally decide to change, to truly
change?"
We change because we get into more pain
than we are willing to tolerate any longer.
Sometimes I asked myself, "When do people finally decide to change,
to truly change?" The answer to this question strikes me as simple:
pain. We change because we get into more pain than we are willing to
tolerate any longer.
Its obvious when you think about it. Our intellectual understanding of
the behaviors and attitudes we would like to acquire comes to us relatively
quickly and easily. The courage, however, to act on that understanding doesn't
come as readilybecause its hard work to find the courage, and the work itself
is painful. This is why, even when we can use our intellects to clearly envision
the benefits of decisive change and fresh courses of action, it may take us
considerably longer to gather the will, motivation, and self-discipline to enact
those bold changes.
Like wealth itself, pain is also relative. Tess had a sensitivity and awareness
that brought her to the threshold of more pain than she was willing to tolerate
any longer. Pain works in different ways in each individuals life. In the following
story Amys, Claudias and Kevins experiences with pain and their responses
to those experiences are all very different from each other.
I first met Amy when she was in her twenties. She came into my office
at the urging of a friend. She longed for a settled and fairly traditional life
with a family of her own, but so far she had found this goal to be terribly
elusive. We started our work with her fear of relationships, her attitude of
entitlement, and a certain rudderless quality to her existence. But she faced
her challenges with courage and energy. To her credit, she saw that the only
way she could possibly reach her goal was through her own efforts: no one could
do it for her. I became her coach.
During our work together, she met and began dating Kevin Marshall, twenty-five,
a man new to Seattle, where they both lived. He immediately struck her as smart,
very funny, wild and loose, extremely enjoyable to be with, just her type, she
thought. He also was extremely wealthy, which didnt particularly impress or
interest her since she herself was an inheritor of several million dollars.
They were together for most of a year, during which time she discovered he was
a womanizer. NaV ve as Amy was, she knew she definitely wanted marriage
in her future, and she broke off the relationship on the basis of his womanizing
alone.
She continued to work on her relationship skills in therapy and practiced
them in her life. She found a career that she loved, and this gave her more
ways to practice her growing relationship skills. Well on her way, she decided
that she had reached her goals in therapy, and we ended our work.
Several years later, after having married and started a family, she came
back to me. She had been asked to join the Art Museum board, and since art was
related to her work, she felt complimented and was delighted to accept. During
the intervening years, Amy had brought herself into a straight-and-narrow lifestyle,
motivated by her vision of the kind of marriage and family she wanted. Much
to her surprise, the first person she saw as she walked into the room for her
first board meeting was Kevin.
When Kevin first saw Amy, he greeted her warmly, since they had parted on
amicable terms. At about the time of Amys marriage, Kevin had married Claudia.
He told Amy that he and Claudia had dated for five years before their marriage.
Amy wondered about this marriage but hoped that, like her, Kevin had found his
way to values and priorities that would support marriage well.
Kevin had referred to "old times" once or twice in casual conversations
with her after meetings, and Amy grew to suspect that Kevin had not embraced
the values needed for a successful marriage. One clue had been evident to her
at the first museum event both couples had attended. Amys husband, Brian, had
lingered at the door to check their coats when Amy, looking at the crowd, saw
Kevin approaching her to say hello. As they talked animatedly, she noticed that
Kevins wife, Claudia, intruded abruptly into the conversation. "This woman
is worried about her husbands connection with me," Amy thought at the
time, but she shrugged off the notion because it wasnt her problem.
It wasnt long before her doubts that her lifestyle was really quite different
from Kevins proved to be well-founded. He continued to attempt to reminisce
with her about their former wild times together, and she sensed uneasily that
he would overstep the boundaries of friendship if she would just unlatch the
gate.
The common sense she had developed helped her set her boundaries. After
telling him only that she "really didnt remember much" about their
old days together, he gave up on that connection. The truth, however, was that
Amy did remember much more than she cared to admit. She remembered his
womanizing character, for one thing, but she simply decided to compartmentalize
the past. Nor did she see any benefit that could possibly result from revealing
to either Brian or Claudia the details of her bygone romance with Kevin. Amys
refusal to revisit their years together also sent a clear message to Kevin and
drew a line he knew he could not cross. She did, however, observe his and Claudias
relationship with a fair amount of interest. Amy was particularly curious about
how Claudia handled the inevitable "other" women in Kevins life.
One of the reasons Amy came back to therapy was that in spite of her clarity
about her own relationships, she had become aware of moments of envy, in particular
toward Claudia and the many expensive and exquisite gifts she received from
Kevin. Amy knew that the work she had done in therapy was irrevocable. She could
not go back, Kevin had not changed, and she liked her own marriage. But she
was surprised to find that she felt envious of what looked like an abundance
of gifts from Kevin to Claudia.
Eventually, as we worked on strengthening Amys sense of her worth and her
values, she found out more about the context of Claudias gifts. They had been
"Im sorry" gifts for his affairs, Claudia disclosed. Claudias revelation came
as she was building the case for her divorce from Kevin. "You know," she told
Amy, "all the beautiful, expensive jewelry I have, even the boats, the horses,
the cars, the houses, theyre all gifts he gave me to make up for screwing around
with other women. Im really disgusted by it all." In that instant, any envy
Amy had ever felt for Claudias exquisite, extravagant possessions instantly
evaporated.
Professional observations: Amy clearly had developed strong and appropriate
boundaries in her relationships. Even though Amy had worked hard to develop
values she felt she could build her life on, she was "human." The
pull of "worldly" values is strong. The negative emotion of envy had
caused Amy pain beyond her ability to cope without outside help, and the emotional
pain of the occasional envy she felt was enough to motivate her to examine her
life and to work through her feelings. A conscious review of chosen values and
priorities is often enough to shed the emotion of envy.
Amys story also illustrates the relative value of wealth. Despite being
an inheritor herself, she had far less money than did Kevin and yet she "felt"
wealthy most of the time even though she had been tested by her envy of the
luxuries lavished on Claudia by her husband. To Amys credit, once she discovered
the context of these gifts, her envy, already fading, disappeared entirely.
Only, it seems, when our old behaviors and attitudes get us into enough
pain do we become sufficiently brave, determined, and impelled to start the
long journey back to the best person we can be. That journeythrough the eye
of the proverbial needleis what this book is all about.