THE EFFECT ON HIS CAMPAIGN OF THE RELEASE OF GEORGE W. BUSHS COLLEGE TRANSCRIPT
Obliviously on he sails,
With marks not quite as good as Quayles.
—November 29, 1999
The fact that those marks at Yale got him into Harvard Business School is yet another reminder of which class of Americans has always benefited from the original affirmative action program. When George W. Bush began to be spoken of as a possible presidential candidate, he had to counter a widespread impression that he was just a shallow rich boy who had failed at everything except riding along on family connections. Given what Bushs college transcript revealed, it occurred to me that Dick Cheney, who flunked out of Yale twice, might have been put on the ticket because he was the only living American politician who had a less distinguished academic record at Yale than George W. Bush.
The theory prevalent more responsible observers was that Cheney, who had been in charge of finding the Republican vice-presidential nominee, selected himself as a sort of nanny to the relatively inexperienced Bush. I have always thought of Cheney as The Droner. His greatest talent has been to create a public persona that makes him appear to be, despite his congressional voting record and his views, too boring to be extreme.
In the past, Id suggested campaign slogans to candidates of both parties—sometimes the same slogan, as in the tried-and-true “Never Been Indicted.” In that spirit, I offered Bush a campaign slogan that Id once offered Quayle, a student of similar limitations who was in the DePauw chapter of Bushs college fraternity, Delta Kappa Epsilon: “Definitely Not the Dumbest Guy in the Deke House.” The offer was not accepted.
a SCIENTIFIC OBSERVATION ON THE SPEAKING PROBLEMS THAT SEEM TO RUN IN THE BUSH FAMILY
He thinks that hostiles hostage.
He cannot say subliminal.
The way Bush treats the language
Is bordering on criminal.
His daddy had the problem:
He used the nounless predicate.
Those cowboy boots can do that
To people from Connecticut.
—October 9, 2000
ON THE WHITE HOUSE DRESS CODE
The Presidents demanding proper dress—
A tie, a coat, a shine on shoes or boots.
I guess were meant to find this a relief:
Weve now returned to government by suits.
—April 2, 2001
DICK CHENEYS PRIMER ON THE CONSTITUTION
So whats it called if during war you criticize the President for any reason?
Treason.
And how long does this war go on (and this is where this theorys really pretty clever)?
Forever.
—June 10, 2002
CHENEYS HEAD: AN EXPLANATION
One mystery Ive tried to disentangle:
Why Cheneys head is always at an angle.
He tries to come on straight, and yet I cant
Help notice that his head is at a slant.
When Cheneys questioned on the Sunday shows,
The Voice of Reason is his favorite pose.
He drones in monotones. He never smiles—
Explaining why some suspects dont need trials,
Or why right now it simply stands to reason
That criticizing Bush amounts to treason,
Or which important precept it would spoil
To know who wrote our policy on oil,
Or why as CEO he wouldnt know
What Halliburtons books were meant to show.
And as he speaks Ive kept a careful check
On when his heads held crooked on his neck.
The code is broken, after years of trying:
He only cocks his head when he is lying.
—June 24, 2002
A SHORT HISTORY OF DICK CHENEY AS MINDER
At first, we thought we should be glad
To have a nanny for the lad—
Young Bush, who might be overawed,
Whod barely even been abroad,
Who seemed to us a lightweight laddie
Whod need a sitter sent by daddy.
But Cheneys shop became the place
Where fantasists would make their case:
Iraqis threaten. At the least,
Wed rearrange the Middle East
And rule the world forevermore
If we just smashed them in a war.
Dick bought this bunk, and sold it, too.
He lied back then, and hes not through.
Hed fooled the rubes like you and me
Who never thought that he would be
A zealot once he got installed.
Stealth Nannys what he should be called.
—December 8, 2003
im an old cowhand, as sung by george w. bush
(With apologies to Johnny Mercer)
Im an old cowhand from the hinterland,
Which an Eastern wuss wouldnt understand.
Aint a rich folks tax cut I wouldnt sign,
But I dont know no one who drinks white wine.
How bout Kenneth Lay? Werent no friend of mine.
Yippee i oh ti-ay! Yippee i oh ti-ay!
Im a cowpoke, folks. Dont eat artichokes.
Burgers do me fine. Wash em down with Cokes.
In my battle flight suit Ill stike a pose,
But I got compassion, down to my toes.
Its for unborn babies and CEOs.
Yippee i oh ti-ay! Yippee i oh ti-ay!
Im a cowboy, guys. This is no disguise.
I dont flip or flop. I dont agonize.
Aint no bad guy goin I wont bombard.
Kerrys soft on bad guys and I am hard—
Toughest hombre ever hid in the Guard.
Yippee i oh ti-ay! Yippee i oh ti-ay!
—April 5, 2004