Excerpt
Parrotfish andlt;link rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" href="../styles/9781442466814.css"andgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#160;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#160;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;h2 andgt;andlt;a id="page_1"andgt;andlt;/aandgt;andlt;a id="ch01"andgt;andlt;/aandgt;andlt;a href="content.html#content"andgt;Chapter Oneandlt;/aandgt;andlt;/h2andgt; andlt;BRandgt;I could hear Mom on the phone in the kitchen gleefully shrieking to her younger sister, my aunt Gail. I was in the garage, as always on the day after Thanksgiving, dragging out carton after carton of Christmas crap, helping Dad turn our house into a local tourist attraction and us, once again, into the laughingstock of Buxton, Massachusetts.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;Dad handed me down another box from the highest shelf. and#8220;Sounds like Gail had the baby,and#8221; he said. and#8220;You guys finally got a cousin.and#8221;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;A little late for me to enjoy,and#8221; I said.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;Iand#8217;m sure sheand#8217;ll let you babysit sometime,and#8221; Dad said, grinning. He knows how I feel about that job. But then his eyes met mine and his smile faded a little, as if heand#8217;d just remembered something important. No doubt he had.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;I was separating forty strands of lights into two pilesand#8212;white and multicoloredand#8212;when Mom came flying through the screen door, her eyes all watery andlt;a id="page_2"andgt;andlt;/aandgt;and glistening. and#8220;Itand#8217;s a boy!and#8221; she said. and#8220;A healthy baby boy!and#8221;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;I dropped the lights I was holding and glared at her. Goddamn it, hadnand#8217;t she learned anything from me?andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;Healthy,and#8221; Dad said quickly. and#8220;Thatand#8217;s the main thing.and#8221; Thank you, Dad. At least he was making an effort to understand.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;Of course it is,and#8221; Mom said, trying clumsily to plaster over her mistake. and#8220;Thatand#8217;s what I said. A healthy boy.and#8221;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;A chill ran down my back, and I turned away from them, imagining in my head the conversation between Mom and Aunt Gail. I do that sometimes to keep my mind off reality.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#160;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;GAIL: Oh Judy, Iand#8217;m finally holding my own baby in my arms!andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;MOM: So, tell me the important stuff! Is it a boy or a girl?andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;GAIL: A boy! A beautiful boy!andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;MOM: Thatand#8217;s wonderful, Gail! A real boy!andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;GAIL: Do you have any advice for me, Judy? Since you always do everything perfectly, and I just struggle through life without a plan?andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;MOM: Glad you asked. You need to get yourself two more kids and a husbandand#8212;so youand#8217;ll be andlt;a id="page_3"andgt;andlt;/aandgt;just like me! Of course, if you couldnand#8217;t find a man before, having a squalling infant with a loaded diaper connected to your hip isnand#8217;t going to help much.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;GAIL: Oh, Judy, you know how much I hate you when youand#8217;re right.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;MOM: Well, donand#8217;t worryand#8212;Iand#8217;m hardly ever right in my own house anymore.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#160;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;Okay, my mother isnand#8217;t really that obnoxious to her sister. But when I imagine my little scenes in my head, I make people speak as if they werenand#8217;t afraid of what other people thought. What they would say if they were suddenly turned inside out and everybody knew all their secrets anyway, so lying was beside the point.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;But I knew the first question Mom asked Gail was, Is it a boy or a girl? Because, for some reason, that is the first thing everybody wants to know the minute youand#8217;re born. Should we label it with pink or blue? Wouldnand#8217;t want anyone to mistake the gender of an infant! Why is that so important? Itand#8217;s a baby! And why does it have to be a simple answer? One or the other? Not all of us fit so neatly into the category we get saddled with on Day One when the doctor glances down and makes a quick assessment of the available andlt;a id="page_4"andgt;andlt;/aandgt;equipment. Whatand#8217;s the big rush, anyway?andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;Sheand#8217;s naming him Michael. Michael Eli Katz. Iand#8217;m so happy for her.and#8221; Mom brushed away a stray tear, and I wondered who it was for.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;Everybody would have been happy for Aunt Gail whether her baby was a boy or a girl. I knew that. As long as itand#8217;s healthyand#8212;thatand#8217;s what they always say about babies. Why donand#8217;t they say that when youand#8217;re older? I was perfectly healthy, but nobody was applauding it anymore.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;Dad got off the ladder and gave Mom a hug. and#8220;And now youand#8217;re going to tell me youand#8217;re off to the hospital this minute, arenand#8217;t you?and#8221;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;She smiled. and#8220;Sorry, Joe. Iand#8217;m so anxious to see the baby. But I promise to help you set up the yard the rest of the weekend.and#8221;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;Go on,and#8221; he said. and#8220;The kids will help me.and#8221;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;Actually, Laura wants to come with me,and#8221; Mom said a little sheepishly, just as my younger sister slammed through the door, lips eggplant purple to match her thick eye shadow. Mom calls Lauraand#8217;s adventures with makeup and#8220;experimentation.and#8221; I call them brainwashing by Maybelline.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;Iand#8217;ve never been to a maternity ward before,and#8221; Laura said, twitching her shoulders with excitement. and#8220;I want to see all the babies lined up in those little beds.and#8221;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;andlt;a id="page_5"andgt;andlt;/aandgt;and#8220;Howling like Siamese cats,and#8221; I said wistfully. Laura gave me an evil look.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;Charlieand#8217;s staying here, though,and#8221; Mom said, as if Charlie were ever any help to anybody.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;Donand#8217;t worry, Dad,and#8221; I said. and#8220;Iand#8217;ll help you.and#8221;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;Angie, you should come with us,and#8221; Laura said. and#8220;This is our first cousin.and#8221;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;If you want to go, Angela, itand#8217;s fine,and#8221; Dad said. and#8220;Weand#8217;ll just work extra hard tomorrow.and#8221;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;Nah,and#8221; I said, and#8220;babies arenand#8217;t my thing. Iand#8217;d rather get Rudolph to balance on the roof ridge, and you know how much fun that is. Tell Aunt Gail I said congratulations. Iand#8217;ll be eager to see the kid once he can talk and tie his own shoes.and#8221; Was it wrong to enjoy annoying my sister so much?andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;Laura smacked me on the shoulder. and#8220;Angie, you suck!and#8221; She generally found me exasperating, and I generally didnand#8217;t care.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;Angela doesnand#8217;t have to come along if she doesnand#8217;t want to,and#8221; Mom said, pointedly not looking at me. Disappointing her had become my fulltime job.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;By the way, Iand#8217;ve decided on my new name,and#8221; I said. and#8220;So you can stop calling me Angela.and#8221;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;Laura huffed in disgust. and#8220;You arenand#8217;t really doing that, are you?and#8221;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;I said I was. Didnand#8217;t you believe me?and#8221;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;andlt;a id="page_6"andgt;andlt;/aandgt;and#8220;You canand#8217;t just change your name overnight!and#8221;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;Sure I can. People do it all the time.and#8221;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;So, what are we supposed to call you now?and#8221; Mom asked impatiently, the car keys jingling in her hand.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;Grady.and#8221; I liked the way it sounded when I said it out loud. Yeah, it was good.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;and#8216;Gradyand#8217;? What kind of a name is that?and#8221; Laura wanted to know. and#8220;Is that even a boyand#8217;s name?and#8221;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;Itand#8217;s a name that could belong to either gender,and#8221; I said. and#8220;Also, I like the gray part of itand#8212;you know, not black, not white. Somewhere in the middle.and#8221;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;Grady,and#8221; Mom said quietly, her eyes sweeping my newly short haircut.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;Nice name,and#8221; Dad said as he climbed back up the ladder. Heand#8217;d been amazingly calm about my recent declaration, but he didnand#8217;t seem to want to discuss it much.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;Itand#8217;s a stupid name,and#8221; Laura said. and#8220;What if we all decided to go and change our names? What if I decided Iand#8217;d rather be called Cinderella or something?and#8221;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;I shrugged. and#8220;Then Iand#8217;d call you Cinderella.and#8221;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;Or, what if I changed it to Madonna? Or, or . . . Corned Beef Sandwich!and#8221;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;Mom gave her a push toward the driveway. andlt;a id="page_7"andgt;andlt;/aandgt;and#8220;Letand#8217;s get going now. We can talk about this later.and#8221;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#8220;Bye now, Corned Beef!and#8221; I called. It looked to me as if Mom was having a hard time keeping a little smile off her face. I always could make her laugh.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;I watched them slide into the car and pull away. No doubt they were complaining about me before they were out of the driveway.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#160;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;LAURA: God, it was bad enough when Angie thought she was a lesbian. Now she wants us to call her by that dumb name. Why canand#8217;t she just act like a girl?andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;MOM: [heavy sigh] Your sister never did act like a girl.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;LAURA: And that horrible haircut she gave herselfand#8212;ugh. It looks like somebody ran over her with a lawn mower. Iand#8217;m so embarrassed when people find out sheand#8217;s my sister.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;MOM: I always loved the name Angela. It was my first choice for a girl.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;LAURA: [grumbling] You should have given it to me. Itand#8217;s better than Laura.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;MOM: Another satisfied customer.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;LAURA: You know, Miraand#8217;s cousin is a lesbian, and she still wears makeup and dresses like a regular person. Sheand#8217;s pretty, too!andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;andlt;a id="page_8"andgt;andlt;/aandgt;MOM: [eyes glued to the road] Angela isnand#8217;t a lesbian anymore, or so she says. She could still be pretty, though, if sheand#8217;d wear decent clothing instead of those secondhand leftovers from the Goodwill.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;LAURA: Are you kidding? Ma, Angie looks like Woody Allen dressed as a hobbit.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;and#160;MOM: Oh, Laura, thatand#8217;s not fair. Angela is taller than Woody Allen.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;and#160;andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;I guess I donand#8217;t really look like Woody Allen, especially since I got my contacts. But what do I look like? Kind of skinny. Kind of tall. Brown hair, shaved at the neck, floppy in the front. I look like everybody and nobody. Am I invisible? Probably not, because people sometimes stare. But I donand#8217;t trust the mirror for this kind of information. Girl? Boy? The mirror canand#8217;t even tell me that.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;Why canand#8217;t I act like a girl? I used to ask myself that question all the time. When the swimming teacher said, and#8220;Boys in this line; girls in the other,and#8221; why did I want so badly to stand with those rowdy, pushy boys, even though my nonexistent six-year-old boobettes were already hidden behind shiny pink fabric, making it clear which line I was supposed to stand in? I wondered, even then, why I couldnand#8217;t be a boy if I wanted to. I wasnand#8217;t unhappy andlt;a id="page_9"andgt;andlt;/aandgt;exactly; I was just puzzled. Why did everybody think I was a girl? And after that: Why was it such a big freaking deal what I looked like or acted like? I looked like myself. I acted like myself. But everybody wanted me to fit into a category, so I let them call me a tomboy, though I knew that only girls were tomboys, and I was not a girl. By high school I said I was a lesbian, because it seemed closer to the truth than giving everyone hope that someday Iand#8217;d turn into a regular hairdo-and-high-heels female. I was just getting us all ready for the truth. I was crawling toward the truth on my hands and knees.andlt;BRandgt; andlt;BRandgt;I came out once, but that was just a rehearsaland#8212;now it was time for the real thing. Because I was tired of lying. And the truth was, inside the body of this strange, never-quite-right girl hid the soul of a typical, average, ordinary boy.