Synopses & Reviews
Most parenting guides begin with the question "How can we get kids to do what they're told?"--and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking "What do kids need--and how can we meet those needs?" What follows from that question are ideas for working with children rather than doing things to them.
One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including "time-outs"), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn cites a body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That's precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it's not the message most parents intend to send.
More than just another book about discipline, though, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from "doing to" to "working with" parenting--including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people. This is an eye-opening, paradigm-shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents.
"Author of nine books, including the controversial Punished by Rewards, Kohn expands upon the theme of what's wrong with our society's emphasis on punishments and rewards. Kohn, the father of young children, sprinkles his text with anecdotes that shore up his well-researched hypothesis that children do best with unconditional love, respect and the opportunity to make their own choices. Kohn questions why parents and parenting literature focus on compliance and quick fixes, and points out that docility and short-term obedience are not what most parents desire of their children in the long run. He insists that 'controlling parents' are actually conveying to their kids that they love them conditionally that is, only when they achieve or behave. Tactics like time-out, bribes and threats, Kohn claims, just worsen matters. Caustic, witty and thought-provoking, Kohn's arguments challenge much of today's parenting wisdom, yet his assertion that 'the way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions' rings true. Kohn suggests parents help kids solve problems; provide them with choices; and use reason, humor and, as a last resort, a restorative time away (not a punitive time-out). This lively book will surely rile parents who want to be boss. Those seeking alternative methods of raising confident, well-loved children, however, will warmly embrace Kohn's message. Forecast: Kohn is a controversial and popular author/speaker, well regarded by scholars and educators. This title should appeal to parents who want to explore the 'whys' and not just the 'hows' of raising kids." Publishers Weekly (Copyright Reed Business Information, Inc.)
"This book underscores an important parenting principle: Discipline is more about having the right relationship with your child than having the right techniques."
--William Sears, The Baby Book and The Discipline Book
is going to make you think--hard--about the type of relationship you want to have with your child, about your parenting priorities, and about how to avoid many of the mistakes of our predecessors. It's what we've come to expect from Alfie Kohn, and this is unquestionably one of his most persuasive, important works. For your sake and your child's...read it!"
--Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child
"A gift to parents! Armed with voluminous research, Alfie Kohn exposes the harm inherent in widely accepted disciplinary practices and offers a variety of powerful alternatives that make it possible for children to become their most thoughtful, caring, responsible selves."
--Adele Faber, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
"Alfie Kohn holds a crucial position in the American dialogue on parenting. Unconditional Parenting
is a very important book that can challenge, support, and even change our perspective on what parents do."
--Michael Gurian, The Wonder of Boys and The Wonder of Girls
"Alfie Kohn does it again: He takes a topic (parenting) that has been studied and written about for years and gives us a wise way of adjusting our lenses so that we really see it clearly. He doesn't give simple rules, he gives deep understanding and a core foundation for parents."
--JoAnn Deak, Girls Will Be Girls
Table of Contents
1: Conditional Parenting
2: Giving and Withholding Love
3: Too Much Control
4: Punitive Damages
5: Pushed To Succeed
6: What Holds Us Back?
7: Principles of Unconditional Parenting
8: Love Without Strings Attached
9: Choices for Children
10: The Child¹s Perspective
Appendix Parenting Styles: The Relevance of Culture, Class, and Race