Every single day of my life I went to bed asking God to make my dad disappear. I didn't pray for him to die, just to leave. If I really wanted him dead, I didn't say it because that would be a sin. A big one. And I couldn't have big sins because I wanted something else from God. Something special.
The easiest thing would be for my dad to meet another lady and go away with her because my mom goes crazy whenever he looks at anyone else. The minute Mom catches him sneaking a look, she cusses in Spanish, tells him she's leaving, then walks across town to buy a pack of cigarettes. When she comes back, she sits in the living room smoking every one of them till the pack is gone.
My dad likes looking at girls--all kinds, all the time. If a girl he likes has big chiches, he smiles and looks at her like he's about to eat pudding. Nothing makes him happier, though, than a lady with big nalgas. The bigger, the better. If a lady like that walks by, he'll stare at her butt till he practically drills a hole in it. Then he'll turn and tell whoever's standing around how much he loves big women and how he'd like to get his hands on one. "Marci," he'd say jerking his head toward a lady twice his size. "If I could have one night with something like that."
I don't even know what my dad would do with a lady with big nalgas. He's so little he'd probably get crushed if one sat on him. He likes to talk like he's big and tough. But to me, he's just little and mean.
***
When night comes, that's when everything is best. Right before I go to sleep, I turn into Supergirl. Don't be surprised. It feels good to be her. When I'm Supergirl I can fly over people's heads, and San Lorenzo, where I live. On TV, George Reeves plays Superman, but he's a fake because he's soft and doughy. Plus, if you look at him sideways, you'll swear his head looks like a ham. I'd make a better Superman because I'm stronger and smarter. They ought to put me on that show. Girls could be on it. They could make me Superman's sister.
I watch lots of Superman but I've only seen one girl: Lois Lane. On top of that, she's old and white. If you look at her face hard, though, you can see she might be part Mexican like Rita Hayworth. My dad said Rita Hayworth was really Margarita Carmen Cansino. She changed her name so she could make it in Hollywood. Movie stars are always changing their names, which means they can't sound real, and for sure not Mexican.
After my dad told me about Rita Hayworth, I spent the next week thinking of a Hollywood name for myself and nothing I came up with sounded good: Mary Cross, Marci Christa, or maybe Margi Cress. But those names were stupid, so I told my mom and Tía Leti I was dyeing my hair blonde and calling myself Linda Ledoux, since I like both names. Boy, did they laugh. Tía Leti, who has a really big butt (one of the few my dad doesn't look at), was sitting next to my mom and laughed so hard she peed her pants. The spot went right through her dress onto the couch. They were laughing so much they didn't care.
I didn't think it was that funny. When Mom could finally talk, she said, "Ay, no. You look too much like one of the Indians from the Texas Rangers. Y, también, being named Linda means you have to be pretty."
Tía Leti said I was "too goddamn dark to be running around with blonde hair," which made them laugh again.
I held my arm up to the light and looked at it. Who needs blonde hair anyway when it's easier being Supergirl? Every night I dreamed I saved beautiful girls. Usually, a mean man was hurting the girl. I'd beat the man up, then carry her away. She would be so happy I saved her, she'd want to marry me. I'd say yes and the dream would end with me kissing her neck and feeling her chiches.
***
I have to tell you what I need from God. I have to change into a boy. This is what I want and it's not an easy thing to ask for. Not like wanting a new bike or a football. This takes special powers, and let me tell you, I've been wanting it a long time. It's not because I think Im a boy, though sometimes it sure seems like I am. It's because I like girls. I don't know how or when it happened. Maybe I was born this way, but the second I saw chiches, I wanted them. I couldn't stop thinking of girls, during the day at school, at night in my dreams, and especially when I watched TV. Now, I know you can't be with a girl if you are a girl. So that's why I have to change into a boy. And it needs to happen by the time I'm fourteen since my science books say that's when a boy's birdy gets bigger. Anyone can see I needed help. And I had to be good. That way, God or Baby Jesus would hear my wish. I had to think, say, and do the right things. Because I know if I messed up, that would be it. And my wish, just like my life, would be dust.
This wish was what I want for myself. I already told you my other wish was for my dad to go away. That one was for me, my sister, and my mom. Me and Corin want our dad to go away but not our mom. I'm wishing it for her anyway because, like Tía Leti says, "She can't even think straight when it comes to that man."
My mom's smart. She can do math fast, plan every dime we spend on food, and know when someone's pulling her leg. But when it's about my dad, she's practically retarded. I swear, I sometimes think she's taking drugs because she never remembers what he does to her, or Corin and me. And she doesn't listen either, even when other people tell her how much my dad looks at other girls. "She don't hear shit, she don't see shit, and she don't do shit." That's what Grandma Flor says when she comes to visit. Grandma Flor says she sometimes can't believe my mom is her own flesh and blood. I told Grandma, "Mom's wearing ear muffs and blinders." Grandma looked at me, squinted up her eyes, blew out cigarette smoke, then cracked up so hard she cried.