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 amn. By allowing weapons inspectors back into Iraq "without
conditions," Saddam has really thrown a wrench into our invasion
plans. And just when we thought we'd been given the green light.
Now what are we going to do?
Only time will tell, of course. But it is clear what we're not
going to do. We're not going to sit back and let a bunch of European
pansies and UN legalists deprive us of the satisfaction we so
richly deserve. Let's be honest. We're itching to blow Saddam
back to the Stone Age. If he continues to play "rope-a-dope with
the world," though, who knows when we'll get a chance to pop the
top on that can of whoop-ass.
Fortunately, we don't have to mobilize the entire American military
in a costly and controversial action to bring Saddam to his knees.
This is a new millennium. Bombs and missiles are so last year.
Today, we have far better methods at our disposal. Instead of
blowing Saddam to kingdom come, why don't we just annoy him into
submission.
Sure it's possible. We have the technology. We have the resources.
We're blessed with the lion's share of world experts. Why not
push our advantage? I hereby propose Operation Enduring Irritation.
After we get through grating on Saddam's nerves, he'll be begging
for mercy (we won't give it to him).
Still skeptical? Well, why don't you read through some of my
ideas, and see if you aren't convinced.
- With the help of the folks at Orbitz, X-10, and Verizon we
could hijack a few of Saddam's favorite websites and plant a
series of pop-up minefields. Every time Saddam or one of his
henchmen visited alqaeda.com, gasyourneighbor.com, or playboy.com,
their browser would disgorge a few dozen tiny windows proclaiming
cheap airline tickets, miniature cameras, or free DVDs. He'll
be so busy closing windows and cursing Bill Gates he won't have
time for evil deeds.
- We could appoint Shirley MacLaine ambassador to Iraq.
- We could tap the expertise of the Internet porn industry and
those companies who "consolidate debt" and coordinate
a massive spam blitz. Sure, Saddam might actually appreciate
finding e-mails in his inbox each morning with headers like
"Add 1 to 3 inches to your penis" or "Guess who
Britney Spears had sex with?" And who knows, the world's
most potent dictator might be in the market for "Discounted
Viagra." But after his inbox is flooded with 400 e-mails
a day making obviously fraudulent offers ("Earn $5,000
a week doing e-mail from home") and flagrant claims ("I
lost 30 lbs. in 10 days") Saddam will begin pulling that
Castro Street mustache out by the roots.
- We could leaflet the Iraqi countryside with samples of Jewel's
poetry.
- We could accidentally — oops! — give each of Saddam's
palaces free basic cable. He'll be thrilled when he finds out
that he now has 97 channels. But he'll go bonkers when he finds
out he still has wait for the new season of the Sopranos
to come out on video.
- We could drop ten thousand copies of Celine Dion's Greatest
Hits onto the streets of Baghdad.
- We could rent every billboard in Baghdad and blanket the city
with That Seventies Show ads.
- We could give each household in the country one horse trailer-sized
SUV, each equipped with a tiny, Mountain Bar-sized cell phone.
With the country bumper to bumper with harried soccer moms,
one eye on the road, one eye on the brats in the backseat, complete
attention on the juicy gossip bubbling from the Mountain Bar
clutched to her ear, Saddam will succumb to road rage each evening
when he's trying to get to his secret bunker du jour.
- We could produce a made for TV movie of Saddam's life starring
Keanu Reeves as Saddam and broadcast it on the Food Channel.
- Survivor Iraq.
- We could set up mammoth radio towers in the countries surrounding
Iraq and barrage the nation with talk radio. Dr. Laura from
Turkey, Howard Stern from Jordan, Rush Limbaugh from Kuwait,
and 24 hours-a-day, every day, a steady barrage of the Satellite
Sisters. People close to Saddam will undoubtedly die as a result.
But hey, it'll be worth it to watch him squirm.
- We could send both of Saddam's wives a complimentary copy
of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and attach
the following note: "This book is sooooo amazing, Pita.
We'll talk."
- We could send Saddam a complimentary copy of Southpark:
Bigger, Longer, & Uncut.
- We could book Ann Coulter onto every Iraqi talk show.
- Saddam may feel pretty confident he can play games with the
president, but we could tell Tom Cruise that Saddam claimed
"he had passionate sex with Cruise on several occasions."
He'd learn quick enough how the big boys play hardball.
- We could sink a hundred million dollars into an Iraqi multimedia
advertising campaign for Vagisil.
- We could convince several hundred neo-primitive body artists
to defect to Iraq.
- We could tell the tabloids that Saddam possesses the smoking
gun on the JonBenet Ramsey case, not to mention those nude photos
of Diana.
I'm no irritation expert, but look at all the great ideas I was
able to produce. Just think what a real expert like Donald Rumsfeld
could come up with.
Of course, the fundamental question is, will it work? Oh, come on.
What country could withstand such a ruthless, incessant assault
on its intelligence, its aesthetic integrity, and its fundamental
need for peace and quiet? No, wait. Don't answer that.
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