If you happen to have noticed any of the following signs: unexplained disappearance of millions of people from around the world; a world war; worldwide earthquakes leveling every mountain into the sea followed by the darkening of the sun and moon; a colossal meteor shower; unprecedented storms and floods; fire being hurled to Earth that will burn one-third of the planet; a star called Wormwood that falls onto Earth, poisoning all rivers and streams; nuclear winter; plagues of indestructible demonic locusts causing endless pain; 200 million horsemen killing one-third of the wicked; seas turning to blood; painful boils afflicting all left on Earth; and a cataclysmic battle between good and evil, all of which will kill hundreds of millions of people, well, we have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that the Rapture has come and you've been left behind. The good news is that you can still have one hell of a good time. For those who think being born once was bad enough, Jim Gerard's Beam Me Up, Jesus will help you navigate your way through born-again America. You'll discover tips on how to make sure you're not Left Behind, how to protect yourself against giant demonic locusts, and find a guide to class-action suits and post-Rapture therapy.