"Witty and sobering by turn, these delightful gems never advocate unreflective submission to flag and country; rather, they celebrate the diversity, the opportunity, the eccentricities, the contradictions, and the dreams and realities that combine to make this nation great." Booklist
CONTENTS
Preface 1
1. We Have a Very Well Written Constitution 5
In which the fellow who actually wrote the document (no, it wasn't Jefferson or Madison) is finally given his due
2. We Are Free to Be You, Me, Stupid, and Dead 9
In which the author defends your right to say anything, no matter how awful, as long as it is not about him
3. We're Dignified. That's What I Said-Dignified 15
In which the preposterous idea is put forward that we are not as vulgar as we think we are
4. But We're Extremely Disloyal 21
In which the loyalty of such Americans as Ronald Reagan, John Dean, George McGovern, Rose Mary Woods, and Benedict Arnold is called into question
5. Everyone's a Liberal (Oh, Go Ahead and Read It Anyway) 27
In which the author picks a fight with conservatives, including his old man
6. God Is Not on Our Side 35
In which one is invited to consider whether He is or is not, or She is or is not, or whether one can know or not know, or should know or should not-or not
7. A River Runs Through Us 41
In which we're exhilarated and scared to death as we round the bend
8. I Guess We Let Anybody In 47
In which we do and enjoy highlights and a makeover at the Hello Gorgeous Beauty Salon
9. Our Leaders Say the Darndest Things 55
In which we watch the Detroit Tigers on the radio when we can, discover that Hawaii is in the Pacific, yet try not to throw out the baby with the dishes
10. We Are a Bunch of Losers, Ourselves 61
In which we stand by the proposition that losing isn't the only thing, it's everything
11. Our House Is a Very Very Very Fine House 67
In which we look at the Constitution as if we lived there. Who chose those drapes?
12. We Can Live with It 75
In which such problematic issues as abortion, affirmative action, war, privacy, and capital punishment are settled to everyone's satisfaction
13. We'd Rather Not Be Rich 83
In which it is established that the rich are different from you and me-they're funnier
14. We Shame Monsters 89
In which the free exercise of public opinion forces two big, bad wolves to see the light
15. Still Historical after All These Years 95
In which we dive into the past, where we splash about quite happily, thanks
16. We Don't Stop the Presses 101
In which all the complex arguments and characteristics that involve freedom of the press... are reduced to a single question
17. We Won't Be Hornswoggled 103
In which the astonishingly good sense of most of the people most of the time makes most of the media look silly
18. When Left to Our Own Devices, We Begin 107
to Behave Pretty Well
In which the hypothesis is offered that Americans are growing kinder with one another and may be experiencing evolutionary improvement
19. We Wave 115
In which the author may be making too much of a small, casual gesture by citing it as a symbol of democracy-but he doesn't think so
20. We're Old-Fashioned 119
In which the author goes back to the America of his childhood to visit three old ladies who cheated at
canasta
21. We Dig That Hokey, Corny Presidential Talk 125
In which the author makes an impassioned yet dignified plea for more and more bullshit
22. We're Nobody's All-American 131
In which Ronald Reagan is recalled as an example of both an ideal and the undesirability of achieving it
23. Basically, We're Out of This World 139
In which we digress
24. Annie Drops Her Gun (Smile When You Say That) 145
In which the author, heaving with sunny optimism, as usual, declares that one more reason to love the country is that it's about to dump its weapons. Wanna bet on it?
25. We're Not That Innocent 153
In which a line from a Britney Spears song is adopted to indicate how hip the author is and to make a point about national virtue
26. We're Mighty Purty 159
In which the sheer beauty of the country is noted, suggesting that the best argument for preserving the environment is the environment
27. I Vermont, You Vermont, We Vermont 165
In which a very special state is singled out as the embodiment of our nonsensical pursuit of unhappiness
28. We Play Ball 171
In which the author produces the mandatory essay praising baseball in order to try to make a larger point about America's need to stay young. Does he do it?
29. Let Us Now Praise Famous Cities 177
In which it is pointed out that the Bronx is up and the Battery down-but not out
30. We Have an Enormous Inventory or, What Is This 183
Thing Called Love?
In which the author paddles his canoe down a stream of unconsciousness and discovers the country of his dreams
Acknowledgments 193