Everybody knows merry Santa Claus is fat.
But in this day and age, there's something unhealthy about that.
"Don't you watch the news?" cries Santa's hip wife.
"Chubby's bad, lean is good. So get a new life!"
"What, give up my Twinkies?" gasps Santa, with a shudder.
"Just throw 'em all out? And never enjoy another?"
"Yes, your Twinkies, and trans-fats, and silly snack bits ?
And gimme those pretzels!" cries Mrs. Kringle. And she practically spits.
"Not my pretzels ? no, never! They're what keeps me jolly!"
This Santa protests, adding, "And to heck with the holly!"
Away frantic Kringle huffs through the house,
Clutching his pretzels and pursued by his spouse.
He wheezes for the stairs, but he's so flaboso (the lardo lunk),
He sprawls ? oof! ? down on top of his pretzels, with a squashy crunchy clunk!
"Aha!" crows his wifey. "So let this be your lesson.
From now on it's bean sprouts, Krissie, and green beans, with a smidgen of dressin'!"
And so this Christmas if you spot Santa, why he'll be slim as a reed.
But no jolly "Ho-Ho-Ho!" Just a muttered ravenous, "Bah, humbug…" Indeed…
Barry Yourgrau's third Nastybook will be published this spring. Yet Another NASTYbook: MiniNasties includes poems, yes, but also quickie stories and some fabulous illustrations by Neil Swaab.