Good day, readers. I wrote the following blog while drunk on absinthe (though I had also just eaten a plate of four-cheese ravioli to take the edge off).
In case you don't know, I wrote a book called How Not to Read: Harnessing the Power of a Literature-Free Life based on my website Better Book Titles. Seriously, how could you not know that by now? Have you been off the Internet for days? I've been tweeting DMs to all of you individually with phrases like: "CAUGHT YOU DOING SOMETHING NAUGHTY... " then included a link to my blog. That can't be ignored!!
I thought now would be a good time to explain why my book is the best and how you, esteemed member of the hoi polio, can enjoy it.
I bet you thought you could read my blog for free without being coerced into buying my book. I bet you also thought The Town was a decent movie! Ha! Well… you were right on both counts, but wait — let's explore why you might NOT buy my book:
- You've never heard of me. Understandable. I'm not the most famous comedian working today. I'm no Red Skelton or George Burns or whoever the kids are into nowadays. But I'm going to be known someday, and you'll be able to say things like, "I had his book BEFORE he got famous... for setting fire to that flag on TV" or "I took a chance on Dan Wilbur's book, and I gotta say, I love it... I gotta say that or he won't tell me where he's keeping my family!! PLEASE! HELP ME!!!"
- You've heard of me and you think I'm a dick. Yes. That's true, but maybe I'll be less of a dick if I had a little more money to feed myself. We're in a catch-22 here. I'll keep being a dick if I don't eat, and you won't give me money because you're a dick. Did I misunderstand what a catch-22 is?
- You're not a reader of books. You're my target audience! Please buy my book so you can continue not reading!
If you've ever read a book before, you're already one step behind in enjoying my book. My book's not supposed to be read! It's supposed to be purchased and put on a shelf in your three-room library, so that when guests arrive you can float a limp hand in the direction of the shelves and say, "tawdry books all, save for Dan Wilbur's," then rest easy that night knowing you appear to be the smartest man or woman with the largest penis or vagina.
Here are a few ways to enjoy my book without reading it (all require that you BUY a copy from Powell's):
1. Burn it. Maybe it's government-ordered censorship, like in Fahrenheit 451, also known as:
Or maybe you need to keep warm after a long day of tinkering in a snow-covered, heatless house you built yourself, like in Tinkers:
Whatever the reason, feel free to buy my book and burn it. It's easy and fun!
2. Use it as a pillow. After a long day of not reading, it's nice to curl up and spend a few hours on the couch not reading some more!
3. Ruin a childhood. Just because you're no longer a child doesn't mean you have to miss out on messing up a kid's psyche…
Try showing them any of the following:
There. Now that kid knows how adults feel about these stories. Buy my book. It ruins childhoods.
Special thanks to Jake (the kid whose childhood I ruined).