The O'Reilly Factor for Kids: A Survival Guide for America's Families

Dear Readers, I want you to remember this day. I am pleased to announce that sometime between now and the day I die, I'm going to write a book for tweens and teens called Life Sucks Until You're Old Enough to Buy Beer and Get Laid. It's going to take a while to write, so those of you who are the parents of teenagers might want to seek alternative books to give your kids. If encouraging your kids to be devoid of any compassion, originality, or critical thinking is your goal, you may want to consider The O'Reilly Factor for Kids by Bill O'Reilly.

Yes, folks, that's right: television's highest rated haranguer wants to bond with kids and guide them through the minefield that is adolescence. The tie-less, sweater-wearing visage of O'Reilly on the cover is there to let kids know this isn't bullying, opinionated, hatchet-man O'Reilly that's speaking to them. It's patronizing, out-of-touch, painfully-attempting-to-identify O'Reilly. And believe me, when it comes to relating with kids, O'Reilly is about as believable as a high school narc.

He opens the book with a testimonial from one of his young viewers, saying that she's worried about "the future...about having babies and graduating high school, and if [she's] going to college or not." One might assume that if this viewer is having babies before she graduates from high school, college is likely out of the question. But have no fear, young viewer, O'Reilly has written "a survival guide" that will "give you the edge in facing the challenges of this crazy but exciting time of your life."

And what is his stated qualification for writing this book? In O'Reilly's words, his pedigree is tied to the fact that he "has a career that's lots of fun and makes [him] a lot of money. [And he's] also never forgotten what it was like to be a teenager. No one does." Oh, I see. So, anybody who was once a teenager and grew up to have fun jobs that made them rich is qualified to write a book telling teens how to act? If I can extend the absurdity of that logic a bit further, could brutal dictators and corporate criminals write books like The O'Reilly Factor for Kids? I'm sure they find their jobs fun and were probably teenagers at some point in their lives.

The quality of logic found in this book is what you would expect from a man who sells "Boycott France" bumper stickers on his website (where bulk rates are available for the rapacious Francophobe). He starts by telling readers: "The O'Reilly Factor for Kids is not about me. This book is about you [emphasis his]." But every chapter has a section called "My Story" where O'Reilly goes about explaining some knuckleheaded thing he did when he was growing up, or some situation he found vexing that ultimately made him a better person. So much for the book being about its target audience -- rather it's merely an extension of his public megalomania and his on-air bully pulpit.

As with his television show, the longer you follow along the more O'Reilly becomes unhinged. Case in point, when writing about other adults he says, "I hope you're not the kind of pinhead kid who thinks that adults are living in a world that has nothing to do with them." I'm sure there are lots of teenagers who love being called "pinhead" or even "kid." But, my particular favorite is in his discussion of the music business. In one sentence, he is empowering the reader, saying that their buying power is what drives the industry: "You drive the market." Then in the next sentence, he goes on to say, "you know who I think is the smartest in this whole situation? Those guys and gals who are performing and taking your money, because they are actually doing something."

There are so many things that are just plain wrong: the unintended irony of a chapter called "Striking a Compromise"; his description of kissing a flight attendant who smoked (I'll take "Images I Didn't Need" for $1,000, Alex); his telling readers to put together a profile of themselves, "you know -- the kind the FBI puts out when they're looking for a serial killer." But perhaps the most nauseating thing O'Reilly does in this book is his pathetic attempt to connect to kids by writing in the shorthand reserved for instant messaging. Hence, there are chapters that are littered with CMIIW (Correct Me If I'm Wrong) and IMHO (In My Honest Opinion). I suppose that such foolishness only serves to prove the point that O'Reilly brings up early in the book, "Here's a rule to remember: Adults who don't act like adults are dangerous."

What do you know? There is a part of the book I agree with.

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