Guests
by Jonny Geller, December 22, 2006 11:33 AM
When we look back on 2006, will we be able to say, 2006 was a good year for the Jews? Let's face it, how many years can we honestly expect that answer to be yes? This one though, has been an unusually difficult one. And not for the usual reasons. Yes, there was the coma of Ariel Sharon that swerved an unlikely peace off its bumpy road. Yes, Iraq plunged even deeper into chaos, bloodshed and anarchy. And, yes, Hezbollah managed to become the most popular gang of villains in the Middle East, thanks to, well, Israel. But the real event that caused Jews everywhere panic, fear and terror was much more serious than the events outlined above. The single most important event in the Jewish world in 2006, the incident that had Jews up all night debating with each other in huddled, frightened corners, was of course the altercation between Mel Gibson and a Californian Law Enforcement Officer last summer. Yes, Mel, the son of an outspoken Holocaust denier (expect to see Mel Senior ? Hutton Gibson ? in snapshots from the conference on Holocaust denial held in Tehran last week), Mel the auteur of the most virulent piece of violent porn since The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (The Passion of the Christ); Mel the Munificent, Mel the Money Maker, Mel Gibson, or as we know him in the UK, Meshuggeneh Max III. To be fair to him, in a transcript of his recent AA meeting (Anti-semites Anonymous), he was revealed to have categorically denied his anti-Semitic outburst against Deputy James Mee, the arresting officer in Malibu. I wasn't so shocked by his accusations that Jews started all the wars as the fact that Mr. Mee was Jewish! You have Jewish Law Enforcers in America? In England that is no job for a nice Jewish boy. Law, yes. Enforcement? No. Now that he has revealed his true self (him and Iranian President) Jews can smile and breathe out knowing it is not hidden or being fuelled into vicarious projects. However, being blackballed by Hollywood (his ABC series on, yes you guessed it, the HOLOCAUST, has been shelved) might make people rehash the old conspiracy theory that the Jews run Hollywood. So not good. Also, the poor 81-year-old Dutch woman whose story ABC was going to tell is now "no longer in development," so this is not good for this Jew. Therefore, Mel's welcome expression of his inner true feelings is, ultimately, Not Good for the
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Guests
by Jonny Geller, December 21, 2006 11:58 AM
Why write a book called Yes, But Is It Good for the Jews? Does Yes, But Is It Good for Islam?, or Yes, But Is It Good for Native American Indians? work in the same way? Yes, I think it would work, but differently. I think it is a peculiarly Jewish way to look at the world ? be so concerned, nay paranoid, about how the world views you. Some might say there are 5,000 years of reasons why Jews should be so nervy. But the Jews can't help but think whether something is good or bad for them. I'll give you an example: when a Jewish politician comes to prominence, the Jewish community tends to feel nervous in case they say something wrong, become entangled in some scandal, or become a Republican. When Jack Abramoff was indicted for bribes in Washington last year, Jewish households everywhere shuddered. When Joan Rivers opens her mouth, we all await the next pogrom... I am convinced this is a natural reaction. One that every nation, color, creed or community shares. In the UK, if a natural disaster happens somewhere, like in South East Asia, headlines in every national paper will read "DISASTER: EARTHQUAKE KILLS 1000. ONE BRITON FEARED MISSING" and then everyone will become obsessed with the missing British person, who, of course, ends up found in a bar somewhere, pissed, a week later. Let's face it, there is a lot of humor to be had by finding the Jewish in everything; from colonic irrigation to Star Wars, from Sudoku to the Madonna, there is a Jewish component to almost everything ? should you wish to look for it. Do Non-Jews look at the world this way? I don't know, but I suspect they do. However, there are definite differences in the ways of looking. For example, in the book, under the heading Complaining: Is It Good for the Jews, I tell these stories: A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. "Please, God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." Suddenly, the rage of the sea quietens and there, as if by miracle, the little boy is delivered to her on the seashore. Grandma looks up to heaven and says: "And the Hat?!" A devout Christian joins a monastery, a new Order where the vow of silence is only broken every seven years when he is allowed to say two words. After the first seven years, he is summoned to the Brothers and quietly says his two words. "Very Draughty." Brother Augustus nods. Seven more years pass. The young man coughs and whispers his words, "Hard Floor." Brother Augustus nods. Seven more years pass. "I quit," he says. Brother Augustus sighs and says, "Well, that's no surprise, you've done nothing but complain since the moment you got
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Guests
by Jonny Geller, December 20, 2006 10:41 AM
Borat the movie was not only the funniest movie of '06 but also the most prescient. He exposed an undercurrent of polite antisemitism in America which shocked as well as entertained. When Jay Leno put to Borat that many people found his movie "offensive, racist, and homophobic," he replied, "Why, thank you." After Mel we now have Judith. Allegedly, Ms Judith Regan, the highly successful publisher at HarperCollins, blamed a "cabal" of jewish publishers for her recent downturn in fortunes at the Murdoch-owned media empire. Her lawyer claims the word Jewish was not used and cabal is not offensive to him, a Jew. So, that's all right then. Who knows whether this is true or not. Having said that, I think it is marvelous that U.S. publishing has such diversity. I think it is wonderful that non-Jews are allowed to work in the media. Talk about diversity. Bravo to Judith for doing so well as a minority. The fact is that antisemitic jibes are clearly de nos jours. When I was a kid and there were Holocaust survivors around, anti-Jewish comments were much more guarded. Even in cosy UK where antisemitism exists in polite forms like, "Oh, i didn't know you were Jewish. You don't look it," desecration of Jewish cemeteries is nearly a weekly occurrence. I used to prefer the Adminejad school of anti-semitism. Better out than in. At least we know our enemy; when he says "Let's wipe the Jews off the face of the Earth," you kinda know he ain't joking. From Nasser of Egypt to Bin Laden of Bora Bora, you know where you stand. The coded, discreet and euphemistic technique of diplomatic antisemitism of the Post War period was much trickier, in my view. Now, I'm not so sure. I'd quite like them to shut up and keep the demons in the bottle. Blame someone else. Like Bush. Or Martha
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Guests
by Jonny Geller, December 19, 2006 11:27 AM
Perhaps it is too early to be thinking about New Year's Eve and resolutions for 2007, but spare a thought for the Jews around this time. Very confusing for us ? after all, we've celebrated our New Year back in September with Rosh Hashanah* ? and now we are called upon to drink more cheap champagne and pretend to be happy that another year has passed. Besides, 2007 is a strange number. We all know the world was created 5,767 years ago so what is with the discount? Ah, I know. Jesus was born 2,007 years ago and that is when the calendar starts! But no, I was taught at school that the Gregorian calendar began in 1584 and was an adaptation of the Julian calendar which started 45 years before the birth of Christ, so where does 2007 come from? Feh, who cares. The point is, for Jews, January 1st holds no significance other than another free holiday. In fact, January 1st is a significant date for non-Jews as it is also the Feast of the Circumcision. Yes, the day to commemorate the messianic snip. In other words, the day Jesus became a Jew! Surely, an important day for world jewry? Although, again the numbers don't add up. We all know that young Jewish kids get chopped 8 days after birth, but Jan 1st, the Feast of Circumcision, is actually 7 days. Oh well, maybe details are not that important in religion. January 1st is also the Solemnity of Mary Day for Catholics and we Jews must have some sympathy for this celebration. Which Jew is going to be brave enough to complain about a day devoted to Mothers? In Israel, of course, New Year's Day is not celebrated. In fact, they go so far as to rub it in by calling it Sylvester's Day. A rather ironic nod to the 4th century Pope who baptized Constantine, introduced harsh anti-Semitic legislation, and banned Jews from entering Jerusalem. So, not huge festivities on this day in Israel. But then, why the name after him? Jewish humor, I suppose. However, go to Tel Aviv on December 31st and see the thousands of Israelis "not celebrating." The hangovers at work on Jan 1st in Israel could threaten peace worldwide, so spare a thought for those grumpy Israelis in their offices on this day. So, is New Year's Eve/Day Good for the Jews? You decide. Remember, the calculation is: each category marked out of 7. Antisemitic Potential + Impact on the World x J-Factor = Tzurus (Yiddish for Troubles). Divide Tzurus by 7 (Kabbalistic spiritual number). = 0-7 Not good for the Jews 8-14 Good for the Jews 7-8 Borderline. Therefore Not Good for the Jews. * Actually, religious Jews have four days to choose for their New Year's Day: Rosh Hashanah in September; the Festival of Trees in January; New Year for Kings in April; New Year for Animal Tithes in August.
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Guests
by Jonny Geller, December 18, 2006 11:18 AM
If you are one of those secular Jews who like to shout about being Jewish but never go to Temple, never eat Kosher, and only become politically active when you see a critical piece about Israel on CNN, then you are likely to suffer the worst of both worlds. Not only do you get stiffed for eight nights of gift giving on Chanukah (after all, you are proud to be Jewish), you have to cough up for a whole new round of presents on Christmas Day (after all, you are proud to be American). Tut, gets expensive. On the other hand, if you feel a bit stronger about your Jewish identity and make a stand against Christmas, you can watch all the meshugganehs spending their money on over-priced electrical items and luxury goods, with the full knowledge that in a mere few days you will be buying the same stuff for half the price! You can also waltz into work in January, wearing a supercilious smile on your face as you proudly tell people, "Ach, I just stayed at home, watched a couple of movies, did my tax returns," and watch their stricken faces as they recall the furious rows they had during the interminable Christmas lunch with the family. Christmas is good for the Jews. Unlike Easter we don't have to lie low. No blood libels in this festival, just a fat, round man with a white beard giving children iPods and Nintendos. Besides, Jews should be proud of Christmas (or "Krutzmus," as my grandmother used to call it). What else is it but the celebration of the World's Most Famous Jew! We should all be celebrating. As a matter of fact, we have always taken Christmas seriously ? who wrote the most famous Xmas song ever? A Jew called Irving Berlin ("White Christmas"). Which film was one of the highest grossing xmas movies of all time? Elf ? written by, produced by, and starring Jews! So we know how to enjoy Christmas. Over the coming week, I'd like to invite you to discuss whether Chanukah, Christmas, gift giving, retail therapy or whatever takes your fancy, is good for the Jews. To reassure you that this is not some subjective rant, in my book, Yes, But Is It Good for the Jews?, I explain the ancient science of Judology ? the mathematical formula which proves whether something or someone is good for the Jews ? and use it to explore popular culture and world history. I'd be happy to cast a Judological eye over your suggestions. The formula is simple. Please go to my website to see it ? www.isitgoodforthejews.com. We at the Institute (the Judological Institute of Spiritual Mathematics, or JISM) welcome your thoughts
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