An interview with Stewie Griffin
Family Guy: Stewie's Guide to World Domination
Why did you write this book?
Well, as I tell my minions, true domination can only result from bearing this single truth in mind: the key to being able to dominate the world is understanding the world around you. Hence, this weighty tome serves as a sort of guide toward that end. And besides, I figured Bill Clinton didn't do too shabby with his book. I mean, come on, that thing read like a giant braindump transcribed from doodled-on legal pads and soiled cocktail napkins and he certainly cashed in.
Having completed it with this purpose in mind, are you any closer to achieving complete enlightenment and thus world domination?
World domination is right around the corner for me. Just as soon as I can get my laptop and my PDA networked. I have an IT guy coming to look at it, but he keeps rescheduling on me. And regarding enlightenment, I try to get myself to yoga twice a week. It gives me a feeling of calm and centeredness while allowing me to scope out some of the neighborhood MILFs.
Just about every kid thinks they're adopted at some point in their life. And it's no secret that you are very different from the other members of your family. Genetically speaking, where do you suppose you get your unique brand of genius?
Having been incarcerated in her vile womb for 9 months I can say with certainty that wretched nasally-voiced redhead is my mother, but one glance at the fat man tells you I'm hardly a chip off the old moron. So, let's just say I wouldn't be surprised if you were to tell me the milkman has an enormous, football-shaped head.
If you could choose to join any other family in history what family would that be?
Dr. Phil's. Not because I think it'd be smooth sailing, mind you. You know, what if the guy's life is really a complete train wreck? Imagine the perverted pleasure I'd get observing the irony of someone like that lining his pockets by shouting inane aphorisms to white trash couples on national television.
You take television (and pop culture in general) to task in this book. If you had your own show what would it be like?
One part "Sonny and Cher." One part "Hawaii 5-0." Three Parts "Benny Hill."
However, I'm certain that such a show would inevitably get jostled around into six or seven time slots over a year and a half's time, only to be ruthlessly cancelled by the powers-that-be, whereupon I would have no choice but to command my loyal masses to lead a revolt to get the program reinstated on the airwaves. Or something like that, I don't know...
You also criticize the school system heavily in your book. If there were one mandatory thing in classrooms everywhere what do you think that should be?
You write extensively about young people today and some about the stresses of being a baby, too. If you could remain one age for all of life what age would that be?
Two. By then you're tall enough to reach most things around the house, yet I would assume people would take you a bit more seriously than when you were only one. However, you're still young enough to get away with having someone else demean themselves by changing your back-loaded diapers.
You also talk a good deal about the sexes in this book. You actually sound as if you are talking from personal experience. Have you ever been in love before?
Well, fans of the show would know that I was briefly in love with a harlot named Janet, before I realized she was only using me for my cookies. And there was one other love in my life, but pending legal action prevents me from discussing her publicly...or coming within two hundred yards of her.
You wax on about what you've learned from literature. What do you hope readers will learn from your book?
That while you can't choose the family you're born into, you can choose which method of enslaving them will prove most amusing to you.
Fashion Horrors is also a favorite topic in the book. You dress down several people for their poor sartorial judgment. But is there anyone you think consistently dresses to kill, as they say?
Of course, Ted Bundy always did. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but even you have to admit you totally set me up for that. On a serious note, though, I must say that naysayers be damned, I always thought Bjork nailed it.
Not even the local news escaped your sharp tongue. If you were ever to make the evening news, what would you hope it would be for?
I'm tempted to say, "making the best-seller list," but the honest answer is that I've always wanted to be featured in the sports round-up footage as one of those quirky fans who cleverly writes an acronym off the network that aired the game and then posts it on a giant poster. You know, like, "Can't Beat the Seahawks." That always tickles me. Of course, I don't particularly like the Seahawks...In fact, I've never even been to Seattle, but, you know, you see my point.
You cover a hell of a lot more than just these topics in your book, but two I have not yet mentioned yet, though I thought they are particularly interesting coming from a toddler, were the chapters on work and taxes. If you got a whopping tax refund...or a lot of money in royalties, what would spend that money on?
Weapons-grade plutonium, a manual on interrogation techniques, and a hoppity horse.