Terrifying childhood experiences
—Got your nose!
—Please just kill me. Better to die than to live the rest of my life as a monster.
—Whats that in your ear? Hey—its a quarter!
—Why is everybody laughing? I have a horrifying brain disease.
—Jesus Christ. You came out of nowhere.
When I lost my first tooth
me: Youre never going to believe this. I was hanging out with my friends and all of a sudden, a tooth fell out of my mouth. I think theres something seriously wrong with me.
mom: Looks like the tooth fairys coming to town!
mom: The tooth fairy. She visits children in the middle of the night and takes their teeth.
me: Is she . . . a cannibal?
mom: No, shes a fairy.
me: What else does she take? Does she take eyes?
mom: No, just teeth. And when shes done, she leaves a surprise under your pillow.
me: Oh my God.
mom: I wonder what itll be this time?
me: Okay . . . lets not panic here. Theres got to be a way to trap her or kill her. We just need to think.
mom: You dont want to kill the tooth fairy.
me: Why not? Wait a minute . . . I see whats going on. Youre in cahoots with her! God, it all makes sense now . . . how else would she know that I had lost a tooth in the first place?
mom: I think someones getting a little sleepy.
me: Wait until Dad finds out about this!
mom: He knows about the tooth fairy, sweetie.
me: Jesus Christ. How high up does this thing go?
mom: Lets get you tucked in.
me: Listen . . . as long as were laying it all on the line, you might as well be straight with me. What other fairies are you working with? Is there a face fairy?
mom: Theres just a tooth fairy, sweetie. She comes every time you lose a tooth.
me: What do you mean “every time”? Im going to lose more teeth?
mom: Youre going to lose all of them.
A conversation between the people who hid in my closet every night when I was seven
freddy krueger: When do you guys want to kill him?
murderer from the six oclock news: How about right now?
dead uncle whose body i saw at an open casket funeral: I say we do it when he gets up to pee. You know, when hes walking down the hallway, in the dark.
freddy krueger: What if he doesnt get up?
murderer: Hell get up. Look at how hes squirming. Its only a matter of time.
dead uncle: Man, I cannot wait to kill this kid.
murderer: Same here.
freddy krueger: Ive wanted to kill him ever since he saw my movie.
dead uncle: Hey, do you guys remember that night-light Simon used to have?
murderer: Man, that thing scared the heck out of me.
freddy krueger: Its a good thing his mom got rid of it. Now theres nothing to stop us from killing him. (Everyone nods in agreement.)
dr. murphy: Hey, guys, sorry Im late. I was busy scheduling an appointment with Simon, to give him shots. freddy krueger: No problem.
(Freddy Krueger and Dr. Murphy do their secret handshake.)
murderer: Its getting kind of crowded in here. Chucky, can you move over?
chucky: Im over as far as I can get.
murderer: I need more space than youre giving me. Im a lot bigger than you.
chucky: Are you calling me short?
dr. murphy: Hey, guys, relax, all right? Were all here for the same reason: to kill and possibly eat Simon.
murderer: (Sighs.) Youre right. Im sorry.
chucky: Yeah . . . me too. I kind of lost perspective.
dr. murphy: Its okay. Just remember: were all in this together.
dead uncle: Hey, it looks like hes getting up! Wait a minute . . . wheres he going?
chucky: I think hes running into his moms room!
dead uncle: Maybe we should follow him?
chucky: Are you insane? Im not facing that kids mother. That woman is terrifying!
murderer: Seriously, there is no way Im going in there.
freddy krueger: (Sighs.) I guess tonights a bust. Lets try tomorrow, okay? Same time, same place.
If adults were subjected to the same indignities as children
zoe: Dad, Im throwing a party tonight, so youll have to stay in your room. Dont worry, though: one of my friends brought over his father for you to play with. His name is Comptroller Brooks and hes about your age, so Im sure youll have lots in common. Ill come check on you in a couple of hours. (Leaves.)
comptroller brooks: Hello.
mr. higgins: Hello.
comptroller brooks: So . . . um . . . do you follow city politics?
mr. higgins: Not really.
comptroller brooks: Oh.
zoe: I forgot to tell you: I told my friends youd perform for them after dinner. Ill come get you when its time. (Leaves.)
comptroller brooks: Oh God, what are we going to do?
mr. higgins: I know a dance . . . but its pretty humiliating.
comptroller brooks: Just teach it to me.
From the Hardcover edition.