Surviving Domestic Violence Voices of Women Who Broke Free

This is not a reference text about domestic violence. It is not an instructional manual on how to escape from a batterer. Plenty of these exist. It is a travel guide to a country no one visits willingly, the collective tales of past travelers making the landscape less threatening, less alien. I hope the many voices in this book will convince you that these stories belong to all of us. Domestic abuse doesn't just happen "out there" somewhereit happens in our town, in our neighborhood, on our street. It happens to people we see at the supermarket, the movie theater, the ballet, the bowling alley, and the PTA board meeting. It happens to our friends, our coworkers, and our family members. Women who have experienced domestic abuse look just like everyone else. They look just like me. Abused women look just like Judy North, a first-grade teacher from Nebraska who remained with her abusive husband for ten years, until the night she finally stood up to him...and woke up in the emergency room. Abused women look just like Whitney Benson, a Mormon college student from southern Utah. She worries about the scars on her face from her boyfriend's class ring; I worry about the scars on her soul from his carefully crafted campaign of criticism, intimidation, and punishing rape. And abused women look just like Andrea Hartley, a pediatrician in her late forties who considers herself extremely fortunate. Although the man she married when she was thirty proved to be extremely violent, the emotional support of her family, friends, and medical colleagues enabled her to leave him only four months later. They come from all walks of life. Some are well educated; others barely finished high school. Some come from wealthy families; others come from poor ones. Some witnessed terrifying family violence as children; others never heard an angry word. Some were raised by warm, supportive families; others by cold, distant families. Some married young; others married late. They worship in churches, in synagogues, or not at all. They come from big cities, small towns, farming communities, and suburbs. What these women have in common is that each was in an intimate relationship with a man who abused her. Some were abused physically. Some were abused sexually. All were abused psychologically...the most devastating type of abuse, leaving the deepest wounds. This is not a book about guns, knives, emergency rooms, or police reports. Many stories focus instead on the subtle campaign of abuse, wearying and corrosive, which trapped their teller in a web of daily threat. Yet despite the humiliation, fear, and isolation, each woman managed to escape from her abuser. Theirs are stories, not of frailty, but of clarity, resourcefulness, and strength.

"Elaine Weiss' powerful stories of women who left abusive relationships is a book that all who care for those women will want to read. As a gynecologist who has many abuse survivors in my practice (all physicians do, whether they know it or not), I found myself moved, inspired, and re-committed to screening for abuse as I read these accounts of good women who found a way to leave bad relationships and thrive afterwards. Women who may be in similarly pain-filled relationships will be heartened and encouraged by these ordinary yet extraordinary survivors' tales. I will be donating copies of this book to my local shelter for battered women, and to other community resources who can provide help to women in violent relationships, no matter whether they need to stay for the present, are in the process of leaving, or have left and are getting on with their lives." Christine M. Peterson, MD, Assistant Professor of Clinical Obstetrics and Gynecology, University of Virginia

"Early in the marriage, I was too immature to recognize that damage could occur emotionally to my son. But as Bobby got older, and I matured, then I knew I didn't want him to be exposed to any more of this. So my job was to find a way to get free. And then I just started plotting, and biding my time till I was secure enough to let the plan unfold.' Carolee Curtis, Hospital Administrator "My mother said, [Judy, he has an invisible whip that he's just whipping you with all the time.' I thought, you know, he has whipped me enough. I am not going to allow him to whip me any more." Judy North, First-Grade Teacher. "When I woke up in the hospital, I knew that I didn't deserve what he had been doing to me for all those years. It wasn't right. It wasn't my fault, and there was no way I'd ever want to be around him again." Maryellen Kasimian, Medical Student

These are stories of twelve women from various walks of life, including professionals. Each a victim of domestic violence. Each escaped from her abuser. Each reclaimed her dignity, reconstructed her life, rediscovered peace. Every woman who has left an abuserevery woman who has yet to leavewill find encouragement and support in the voices of these women who broke free.

This is the only book on the market today that focuses on the entire spectrum of emotional, verbal, sexual, and physical abuse. Written by University of Utah Clinical Associate Professor Elaine Weiss, a survivor, the book goes right to the heart of the reader and changes their perspective on this topic. She paints a clear picture of women who stay in a marriage because of their fierce loyalty and commitment to the sanctity of marriage. Elaine emphasizes the period of time after women leave their abuser and describes in detail what they go on to do with their lives. These are stories of twelve women from various walks of life, including professionals. Each a victim of domestic violence. Each escaped from her abuser. Each reclaimed her dignity, reconstructed her life, rediscovered peace. Every woman who has left an abuserevery woman who has yet to leavewill find encouragement and support in the voices of these women who broke free.

Dr. Weiss is a domestic violence educator who conducts domestic violence training sessions around the country. She is a member of an international task force on domestic violence prevention, and her writings about domestic violence have appeared in local and national publications and are used as a teaching resource. She is also a survivor of domestic abuse.

Foreword by Michael Magill, MD Introduction About the Women Acknowledgments SECTION I WHY DON'T THEY JUST LEAVE? 1 My Story: Why It Took Me 8 Years, 7 Months, and 21 Days 2 Judy North: It Was As Though He Had an Invisible Whip 3 Mandy Winchester: I Kept Trying to Get It Right SECTION II GETTING OUT 4 Peg McBride: I Assembled the Jigsaw Puzzle 5 Carolee Curtis: I Bided My Time 6 Becky Pepper: I Balanced the Fears SECTION III AFTER IT'S OVER, IT'S NOT OVER 7 Whitney Benson: Will the Scars Ever Heal? 8 Andrea Hartley: Was It My Fault? 9 Dawn Kincaid: Am I Really Safe? SECTION IV LETTING GO. GOING ON 10 Jesusa Fox: I Am Picturing the Future 11 Lillia Lopez: I Am Making a Difference 12 Maryellen Kasimian: I Am Stronger Than Ever Afterword by Leigh Neumayer, MD Recommended Readings About the Author