Excerpt
The stories in this book are true. They are not case studies, nor are they composite sketches. Since I began teaching and writing about domestic violence in 1994, hundreds of women have generously shared portions of their stories with me. Their memories bubbled up and spilled over. In part this was because they recognized in me a fellow survivorsomeone who would understand. Mostly it was because I listened with compassion and without judgment. I never asked, "Why didn't you...." I never admonished, "You should have...." I said, in fact, very little. I conducted in-depth interviews with thirty women, and ultimately selected twelve to include in this book. The interviews, which lasted anywhere from forty-five minutes to three hours, were taped and later transcribed. Working from the tapes, the transcriptions, and my own notes, I have rendered a faithful portrait of each woman. I present them to you as they presented themselves to me. My goal has been to capture what is unique about each woman's voice; consequently, all quotes are accurate, only occasionally edited for clarity. The facts of each woman's life are also accurate. I have, however, changed such identifying details as names and places. Many of these women are still at risk from their abusers. All are entitled to their privacy. Their willingness to be interviewed should not be taken lightly. You dig around like this, and memories come wiggling out like worms. Each woman who entrusted me with her story had stomped the earth down strong and tight. But the worms were still down there, alive and thriving under the hard-packed surface. Talking with me was the first time that many of these women had allowed themselves to revisit their history, to relive their feelings of shame, pain, betrayal, and fear. It is awful to listen to these stories. But we must listen. I have written this book because I want others to see these women as I see them. They are neither submissive martyrs nor comic-book heroines. They are real people who faced difficult situations, had limited options, and made tough choices. It has become fashionable to transform victims into plucky survivors, as if to imply that there is always light after darkness, that personal tragedy always leads unerringly to rebirth. The truth is that no life has such clear delineations. These women all survived domestic violence, yet they are much more than simply domestic violence survivors. These are ordinary people, leading ordinary lives. At the same time, they are extraordinary human beings. I do not glorify battered women. I do not hold them up as braver, stronger, or more courageous than everyone else. But they nonetheless deserve to be honored for their bravery, their strength, and their courage.